I was feeling hopeless, guilty and my mind was troubled for the past 2 weeks ever since I came back from Kuching. Last night, and tonight again Alvin told me off regards to both Issac and Annabelle school current syllabus. We were discussed about this last week and Alvin requested a report of their studies.
I was feeling helpless and guilty after the ‘counselling’ the other day at Kuching with Sister Agatha. And here again, I had been lectured by Alvin. Suddenly I just felt that there are so much loads and roles that I need to be.
I am not a good wife. I am not a good mother. I am not a good daughter. I just do not know how to manage my children. They are seems like still kids and do not know about manners when they are in the public.
That supposed to be my responsibility as a mother to nurture them. Alvin was so angry that the children were still watching TV and did not play their music lesson, do their homework and do the revision of the subjects learned. He told me off, “If these things still did not change, I would do whatever I told you 7 or 8 years ago!”
I know what he meant. It means he would walk off from this family. All these are not the things he wants and all these things supposed to be my responsibility to do it.
I know that I should be doing all these things… Everyday I came back from work, I was so tired and just feel exhausted after bathing almost 8.30pm. I had difficulties in concentration more on staying focus to look and check both Issac and Annabelle homework.
I have always had a strong testimony of the children growing up in the Church and their love to God come first than anything else. That is why I was enthusiastic during they were in the Primary time, and teaching them on the ‘Faith in God’ program.
However, when it comes to their academic has always been the exact opposition of my learning as a mother on how to teach them. I found myself fighting and struggling to even stay calm and hold my tempers as I try to teach them and checking on their subjects.
May be it is due to my childhood time, my mum did not use this method to teach me. I was quite an independent child when it comes to study. I know what I want. I know that I have to study hard in order to get into the local university. Even though in the end I end up with fail almost all the subjects in STPM, but that was another story of mine.
Ever since I got the calling as the Relief Society President, I was still in the delema of shock and surprise if there is things which the Lord wants me to learn through this calling that able to help me to grows especially in my marriage and my family. And yet every time, I am not getting the answers.
I felt my sense of guilt keenly whenever I red this from the The Family : A Proclamation to the World:
“ HUSBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives – mothers and fathers – will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.”
“… Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities… Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children…”
And here I am, sitting down alone after been scolded by Alvin. Tired of the guilt, tired of trying. Ready for letting go everything. But then, I felt a gentle pull suggesting that I should browse through the Church website. I saw an article.
I realized that I was not having a faith crisis as I thought I am going through every time challenges came out, as this children education discussion between Alvin and myself was not the first time. This discussion had been repeated again and again.
It seems as I do not know how to get things better. After I read the article, I suddenly know that God knows all my struggles, He knows all the reasons focusing was hard for me. I felt a flood of God’s awareness of me. He knew ME because I am His daughter.
Frankly I did too little and learned too little for the past 5 years and I had taken too much time to learn. The Lord revealed to me that I can do better. The Lord was not judging me or withholding blessings because of my imperfections; He was letting the blessings and knowledge pour down because I was where I needed to be. He helped me in this moment unfold a bit of my history to understand what I had gone through and what I learned during the past years since my remarriage with Alvin.
Isaiah wrote, “Come ye, and let us go up to the mountain of the Lord… and he will teach us of his ways” (Isaiah 2:3).
The Lord will teach us in His House. He has promised it, and we can count on His promises. But His path is not our path. His ways are not our ways. And His teachings might be different than what we think we are coming to learn.
I was not missing all these years but Heavenly Father is watching over me all the time. I was being taught all along. I realized that I was, and I am having an opportunity to practice my faith – to trust in the Lord that I can lean on Him in changing myself to become a better mother. I can see that my vision extended, and my spiritual knowledge increase.
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