Letter to My Spouse

There was a final project that every student required to complete during Week 13 while I was taken my Institute class of REL200 The Eternal Family - The Project: Understanding Sacred Duties few semesters ago. I can choose either Option A: Building Faith and Providing Encouragement or Option B: Letters to Current or Future Family.

I had chosen Option B. I required to write two letters: one to my future or current spouse, and one to my future or current children. In the letter to my spouse, I need to list five or more promises that will help me love and support my spouse as an equal partner. I have to ensure that my promises focus on the divinely appointed role of my spouses as mentioned in the sixth and seventh paragraphs of the family proclamation. After each of these promises write why I think this promise is so important.

It was quite an emotional roller coaster while I worked on this assignment. My term with Alvin was not good at all. I feel as it was awkward and not comfortable at all, but after pondered and prayed much, I had written the following letter.

Dear Alvin (Husband), 

I promise to have faith. It is the first principle of the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is not only faith in God and His beloved Son, not only in the living prophets, but faith must be the first principle of our marriage – to have a sincere and ever-growing faith in you and also in our children. We attend sacrament and other meetings every week, hold family home evenings, pray, and study the scriptures together. Our faith will grow as we keep the commandments, and so will the harmony and joy in marriage.

I promise to respect and support you by your side by focusing first on home, helping and sharing responsibilities, and making our homes a safe place where everyone in the family feels love and a sense of belonging. It is because every family member is different with our unique gifts, abilities, and differences. Teach our children by being examples in keeping our covenant and the Lord’s commandments.

I promise to read the scriptures with you more often as a couple. It is because the best place to go for insight into marriage is to the Lord – through prayer and the scriptures. Searching the scriptures to find counsel is a way to strengthen our marriage.

I promise to “reason together” with you as we hold the family councils, which means no arguing, haranguing, or backbiting but instead reasoning with soft-spoken voices. After “reason together” and being guided by the spirit, we decide to move confidently and harmonize with the Lord. It is because I know that I should stand equally yoked together, just as we are meant to share equally in every blessing that the Lord endowed to our family when we made our temple covenant in His presence. I know that we can achieve the eternal objective of becoming one before God.

I promise to pray for the love which allows me to see the goodness in you. Pray for the love that sees weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your joy mine. Pray for the love to want to bear your burdens and soften your sorrows. It is because I know I am imperfect. All these unseen differences accumulated day after day may add to a possible future breakdown in our marital relationship. I promise to pray with you and include our Heavenly Father in our marriage. I know that He will help bring us even closer every day.

Love,

Your Dear Wife

Worlds without End by J. Kirk Richards. Image via jkirkrichards.wpcomstaging.com

I feel as if it is impossible for both of us to reach there, but I know that I should and shall trust in Him that He knows what the best for me and my family. I love the Lord with all my Heart, Mind and Soul. I could not imagine my life without Him - to calm my fears, gives me peace and comfort. I know I am in His good hands. My Redeemer lives.

Church Membership

This afternoon we received a WhatsApp message in our family group chat. It is a message from him.

Dear Koko and Mei Mei, I have things to tell u all.  This Thursday church will have a membership interview with me at 830pm.  Daddy admits I am not a person who follows thy commandments I may choose to release as a church member and retrieve my temple recommend.  Let me find out where am I and what to choose ya.  The following advice like to highlight for the coming event:

1) Koko end May 24 we will still be in Bangkok temple but I won’t be witness you in the temple ya cause I cannot enter.   But no matter how I will be with u all in Bangkok.

2) Koko you are a Melchizedek priesthood already, and a well grown up gentleman.  Daddy is proud of you and Mei Mei for self-learning and being so obedient children.

3) This is always my family which I will be taking care of ya.

Don’t worry about me.  I have very strong faith in the Father in Heaven, he still and the Holy Ghost always guide me on every path I go.  I still pray and listen to thy message.

I love you all ya.❤️

I can feel my heart aching when I read his message. I feel disappointed and sad as he is considering to give up his church membership. I have treasured my church membership so much that it is the most precious account that I could have in the world. I do not understand why he can treat it so lightly. I feel pain and broken again. It is the feeling that I felt once a long time ago, now after 12 years I feel it again.

I try my best not to judge but why does he still think that the Holy Ghost is with him? “the Spirit of the Lord doth not dwell in unholy temples” (Helaman 4:24). Even though we have received the gift of the Holy Ghost, the Spirit will dwell with us only when we keep the commandments. He will withdraw if we offend Him by profanity, uncleanliness, disobedience, rebellion, or other sins. This is not the path that Heavenly Father asked him to walk. Instead, Alvin using his agency to choose his own path now.

I hope my instinct is wrong. I feel as if he is considering or maybe wanting to convert the woman to Christian as she is an Indonesian Muslim. Or either he would consider to change religion? I do not know, but I do know that since long ago, whenever he fell in love with someone, he would be madly madly in love and would do things like this. I am not sure but this is not the first time he being through this. It happened before during our divorce. I feel heartache or rather heartbreak again…

My heartbreak is merciless grief that comes in waves, depriving me of both appetite and sleep. It is a shard that never goes away from my stomach, though maybe the edges will get softer with time. In quiet moments, it short circuits my head and chokes my breath, feeling as real as death and bereavement. What was once whole is shattered; where once was peace is emptiness, echoes of love I put my everything into.

Those feelings appeared again… I feel as if Alvin and I are not made for each other because this is the second chance we have and still we end up like this. Both of us could not compliment or complete each other, instead, we became the worst version of ourselves which is not the best couple and friends for each other. End up he could not keep or uphold his covenants and become better.

I told Annabelle and Issac that I must be madly in love with their dad during the premortal life, that I must keep on begging and convincing Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that Alvin and I must be together when we come to earth. That is the reason why we are here we are now. Both their dad and mummy got so many opportunities to fix and repair but still in vain.

My heart was overflowing with gratefulness for the gospel and the abundance of spiritual gifts that had arrived to support, guide, and assist me, especially my two little angels who lift me every time. I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me and my family, and I know my Redeemer lives!

Guiding Light by Annie Henrie Nader. Image via AltusFineArt.com

Lead kindly light, amid th’encircling gloom. Lead thou me on! The night is dark, and I am far from home; Lead thou me on! Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see The distant scene – one step enough for me. ~ Lead, Kindly Light; Hymn 97

You are a Daughter of God

My mind was cluttered with all sorts of conversations, reactions, responses, facial expressions, tonalities, and how I felt yesterday when I woke up in the morning. Today is a Monday, and yes, I need to focus my mind and thoughts on what I am supposed to on my work and children.

I noticed there was a WhatsApp message on my handphone early in the morning, but I was too busy to open and look at it. After almost came to an end of a day work, I checked all the messages and realized that this morning message was by a sister in the Church.

I was so touched and my eyes filled with tears when I read her beautiful message. I just feel as the message was from the Lord delivered specifically just for me:

Hi dear! Am thinking about you and feeling sorry for the things you are going through now. I know it hurts a lot because of your deep love towards your hubby. I learn through the years is not having to beg to be loved . It has to be given freely and through the heart.

I know you have been living up to your covenant path diligently and righteously but sometimes things happened in our life because Heavenly Father see things we do not and He has better plan for us.

We just need to trust Him and continue living in faith knowing blessing will come eventually for those who stay steadfast and immovable despite the challengers we are going through.

Enduring to the end is a hard process but it is glorious in the end.

You are a great example to your kids and they will cherished you for all that you have gone through for them to stay in the covenant path.

Believe me when I say it is hard now for you but it will be better has you listen to the still small voice guiding you in the things you should do.

You deserve to be happy so don't give in the Satan for trying so hard to break you down.

Remember who you are - YOU ARE A DAUGHTER of GOD and you are loved, cherished, and watched over by your FATHER in HEAVEN.

We love you too.

Light Bearers by Annie Henrie Nader. Image via AltusFineArt.com

That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light growth brighter and brighter until the perfect day. ~ Doctrine & Covenants 50:24

I am pondering about what I have been through in my marriage for the past almost 10 years - before I know the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ and ever since became the member of the Church after our second R.O.M. What were the things that I missed out on this second marriage and causes this happened today, again?

It is hurtful to think back to the past,open up the wound, dig it deep and re-look for the second time again. There indeed must be something I had missed out and not sensitive enough to listen to the prompting of the Holy Ghost, that I had missed my opportunities to fix and repair our relationship.

A second thought, I feel as enough is enough, may be it is time that we should end here after so many years of infidelity and he has no more feelings towards me. It is time to move forward… May be the message was in just-in-time.

VIVIAN HSU《不愛自己現在的樣子 Letting Go》

VIVIAN HSU《不愛自己現在的樣子 Letting Go》

 

///Song Credit

演唱 Performer｜徐若瑄 Vivian Hsu

詞 Lyricist｜徐若瑄 Vivian Hsu

曲 Composer｜江承柏 Ray Jiang

製作人Producer｜陳建瑋 Jacky Chen

編曲 Arrangement｜張晁毓 Dato Cha

 

聽著一首歌

把心事留在這裡

懂我的人能不能是你

好無力 好可惜 好擁擠

 

好多不快樂 都變得身不由己

淡淡的表情 也都得用盡力氣

我知道相愛也不容易

揮不去 回不去 會嘆息

讓我開始否定自己的人 是你

 

一直說愛我的人

一次次傷得我更深

一道道留下的疤痕

你怎麼忘了有多疼

我真的不愛自己 現在的樣子

用沈默說話的人

 

一點點累積 那些瑣碎的事情

碎得我們都無能為力

安靜了 願意了 相信了

愛到最後是等誰開口說 不愛了

 

一直說愛我的人

一次次傷得我更深

一道道留下的疤痕

你怎麼 忘了有多疼

我真的不愛自己 現在的樣子

假裝堅定 努力拼湊幸福的樣子

 

Oh~

忘了有多疼

我是我 你還是你 都做回自己

不必微笑 努力拼湊 我們的樣子

 

一直說愛我的人

一次次傷得我更深

一道道留下的疤痕

你怎麼忘了有多疼

時間不等人 愛 它無所不能

我們的明天 各自 好好的

 

              ***     ***     ***     ***     ***     ***     ***     ***     ***

 

我真的不愛自己

現在的樣子

假裝堅定

努力拼湊幸福的樣子

Looking Inside: Submissive to the Lord’s will… to be continued

• Submit our will to the Lord’s will (see 3 Nephi 11:11; Moroni 10:32)

3 Nephi 11:11

And behold, I am the light and the life of the world; and I have drunk out of that bitter cup which the Father hath given me, and have glorified the Father in taking upon me the sins of the world, in the which I have suffered the will of the Father in all things from the beginning.

Moroni 10:32

32 Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God.

These past few weeks were not easy for me. All these feelings of uneasiness started after I did the interest survey in the academic planning in the BYU-Pathway Student Portal. We will take the first course of our first certificate during PathwayConnect.

After we finish PathwayConnect, we will take 3–4 more courses to complete your first certificate. But it seems like we have only five certificate choices that we can choose from, namely Technical Support Engineer Certificate, Fundamentals of Medical Coding Certificate, Hospitality and Tourism Management Certificate, Project Management Certificate, and Basic Accounting Certificate.

It does not have the Marriage, Family, and Human Relations Certificate that I desire, which motivated me to enroll in the PathwayConnect program. It is unsettling for me, and it feels as it defeats the purpose why I register to pursue an education again. It is kind of hard to accept the fact like this.

I am wondering, for these past weeks, a big WHY? Why could I not get what I wanted? And it is just as simple as taking the course that I wish to? I am wondering if this is the will of the Lord that I should study other than Marriage and Family Studies. It is really to accept the fact as it is. I had expressed my disappointment to Issac and Alvin on the limited choices of certificate courses that I could take.

Out of the five mentioned above, I am more comfortable with either a Project Management Certificate or Fundamentals of Medical Coding Certificate. I prefer Project Management Certificate is because this is what I am currently doing in my job. Maybe a certificate is good for me as I have worked without a certificate or diploma for so many years. But it alone could not form a Bachelor Degree of something that specializes in, wither Bachelor Degree of Applied Business with stack together with another Business & Leadership Skills Certificate and Business Administration certificate.

Another option would be a Bachelor's Degree in Professional Studies which can choose another two certificates, including the Marriage and Family Studies certificate. I feel unsettled, and it seems like not have a complete Bachelor's Degree in Marriage and Family Studies. It has other certifications such as Human Services Certificate, Parent and Family Education Certificate, and Child and Family Advocacy Certificate for the final year, which I would not be able to include in the degree then.

I have been thinking about these two options past few days, and I am finding some peace when I research more on the details course of the Fundamentals of Medical Coding certificate. It is a brand new subject for me, but somehow I do not feel any unfamiliar because it studies the human body, and it is kind of related to what I learned in Biology during my SPM days.

I asked Issac what his opinion is if he is in my current situation now. After listening to what I had to tell him, he suggested that maybe this Fundamentals of Medical Coding Certificate might be a good one for me, and I could perhaps try something new. He advised me to pray about it.

I sought Alvin's advice, he too, said that this course might be the one for me because of the things that I desired why I chose Marriage and Family Studies, whereby this would be the closest that match my intention of studying again.

Indeed I am feeling good, peace, and comfort in choosing the Fundamentals of Medical Certificate. I think that this will be a test of submissive to the will of the Lord? Earlier this month, I just said to myself that I am not the type of person that submits to the will of the Lord. It is tough for me, and I guess this is a good moment and time to do that. Suppose now might not be the best time to study that subject I wanted.

There must be some reasons that I do not know off, but I am OK with it if the Lord knows. The Lord knows the best what is lying ahead of me, and I can accept this peacefully. I am not sure, but if this is the case, tonight I shall give a prayer to Heavenly Father to repent of my earlier unfriendly thoughts and let Him know that I feel alright to accept the things that He is giving me, and I will strive to study sound and achieve the best marks that I can.

• I try to accept the Lord’s will, whatever it may be (see Mosiah 24:15).

Mosiah 24:15

15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

The Gospel Media credit to https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org.

Christmas Caroling Special Number

Here are Sister Jennifer and Brother Tesh. Especially make this video combining of both couples for the music celebration! It is indeed so sweet of her and the efforts and her time that she put in.

Virtual Christmas Caroling #3 ~ We Wish You a Merry Christmas

Here is our Yu Family caroling ^^

Virtual Christmas Caroling #1 ~ Joy to the World

Due to the Covid-19 pandemic, we are still unable to go to Church for sacrament meetings. This year the members of the Church would be celebrating Christmas in our own home instead, not like the previous years that we can have our branch Christmas party in the chapel.

 

Sister Jennifer was so thoughtful and kind enough to help organize a virtual Christmas caroling for the members of the Church. She gathered most of the Christmas carol members to prepare singing video at our homes and forward to her to do some editing for the videos. Here is one of the group songs that both Alvin and myself, but in different costumes!

Something to Be Grateful For

Today is a day that has a little bit challenge but it is indeed a blessed day!

I was driving to client’s office at Pandan Perdana to pick up a cheque. During on my way back to office, I noticed that the water temperature was up and the air-cond started to blow warm air. I stopped my car at the nearest petrol station to cool the radiator down and pumped the petrol at the same time.

The car was running fine when I started to drive again, until almost reach office, the water temperature heat up again. I was panic and called Alvin, seeking his opinions and advice what to do.

I think he was also driving at that time, then he asked me to send to the nearest car workshop to check the car radiator and see how. Fortunately for me that there is a car workshop just behind the street from my office.

After awhile, the mechanic Vincent WhatsApp voice message about the problem of the car and what need to be done. He listed down what are the items that need to be changed. It seems as I need to change the whole radiator complete with the hoses, thermostat and coolant.

I had forwarded the messages to Alvin and seek for his advise, after which he did get Vincent’s hand phone number from me and he called and talked to him. At last, Alvin managed to negotiate with him till RM650.00 and my car need to be left at the workshop for a night and only can get back the car tomorrow.

To be honest, I am a little bit flattered on Alvin’s response and the way he helped me to handle this issue. I never thought that he will help me to bear the cost of replacement of the car radiator. It is because earlier car accident, that he already voiced out that he would not support me in anything, unless for the children’s sake. Or may be this car is the vehicle that I use for transporting both children for schools and their classes, that is the reason why he helped. I know it is bad for me to think that, but I am grateful and thankful for his kindness in this.

There were so many times recently I felt our marriage, seemed as if everything was falling apart again. It was painful and extremely challenging, as we had tied the knot again from our broken marriage. Eventually it seems as the past still haunted me, and I know that he is struggling to fight too.

How grateful I was and I am now for my testimony of Jesus Christ to give me something to stand out at such a shaky time. I feel as I probably managed better now compare with last time.

I am grateful to Heavenly Father for all that I learned through these chapters in my life. I hope and try my best learn to work really hard on my marriage. I need to learn and gain a much strength of communication and understanding through listen and be more compassionate about one another’s differences.

I am not sure and do not expect of this but I am grateful that Alvin has helped me solve the problem. Both of us are not perfect now, and we are still have rooms for improvement especially in our communication. But I am so grateful for all I gained from this past few weeks.

Recently the week before Thanks Giving, President Russell M. Nelson had extended an invitation to all to flood social media for the following seven days with our own personal gratitude journal using #GiveThanks and join with him and others in thanking God through daily prayer.

President Russell M. Nelson said,

“I have concluded that counting our blessings is far better than recounting our problems. No matter our situation, showing gratitude for our privileges is a unique, fast-acting, and long-lasting spiritual prescription. Simply stated, “In every thing give thanks” (1 Thessalonians 5:18).”

Even in our lowest points—especially in our lowest points—I have learned that we should always turn our eyes upward to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

I know that if we strive to focus our eyes on Jesus Christ with a grateful heart, we will see daily miracles from God’s hand in our lives, and those things have brought me peace even on my worst days.

There is always something to be grateful for, and I’m grateful for that.

Why Didn’t the Lord Direct Me Through My Trials?

There are always promptings I guess from the Lord, during I am seeking and cried to the Lord for comfort.

This week really started with a foolish thing that I had done - accidentally knocked Alvin’s car. And this accident had started the sparks of series of angers and quarrels from him.

I was thinking about personal revelation and how I have felt like I have so many times cried to the Lord and I cannot hear anything at all. It is like in this accident of mine, I was still in the shock or blur that do not understand why this happened? And, why do I acted so carelessly? Why do the Lord did not warn me or helped me prevent this from happened?

As today I read a similar blog at the Church website, as the author said, “So many of us struggle with a similar problem. We ask the Lord for help, yet the heavens feel close to us. It is like getting the answer, “Good luck, kid, but you are on your own this time!”

“It’s especially hard when we are told we can “hear Him” and receive revelation like Joseph Smith, who asked Heavenly Father a simple question and got such an incredible answer! The silence can cause us to feel isolated, lonely, and abandoned by our Heavenly Father, even when we have faith that He does want to guide us in some way.”

At that moment I was immediately feels as this is the message that Father in Heaven wants to tell me and want me to know what is in His mind that He wants me to know.

The author was mentioning about a talk that late Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (1928 – 2015) said about recognise the answers from the Lord.

And, it was exactly the same General Conference talk that I was studying and pondering for the whole last week, before this accident happened.

While I was reading this point, this bring back to my memories and remind myself again that Father in Heaven has never abandoned me! I remembered that I had this doubt before and I wrote down in my journal, and now the same trial of faith happened again but in different scenario and background.

What if He has never abandoned me? What if I am the one who are a stranger to Him? What if I am the one who do not hear His voice or recognize His gentle Spirit calling me by my name?

No wonder the first thought that came into my mind after I had expressed my fears and worries to Him that night, was to “Hear Him”. I was listening to President Russell M. Nelson’s General Conference talk of the same title – “Hear Him” repeatedly over and over again for the past few days.

And today after I had read this blog, helped me to know that the Lord is always there beside me even before the trials or making my big mistakes. He was already there to prepare myself to help me search for the answers that I would need. I am the one whom did not realized it. It reminds me of the same thing that happened to me last 2 years back.

I just surrendered and asked Heavenly Father if all these were the things that He thinks is best for me to experience and I will just take it. It was exactly what I felt yesterday when I was at the workshop.

I am grateful that I can always rely on my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to be there when I just want to cry or express out whatever I feel to Them, and the most importantly I can always feel the warmth, peace and comfort in my heart and it get me through.

I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me, I know that They live and always watching over me!

Regretted Decision Turns Out Right?

I am still a little bit stressed out because of last night argument, but it is a little bit better as this morning meeting with SSDU was OK and can be comprehend after the commercial part of the tender evaluation part that I involved had been concluded around 12 noon.

After which I was asked to join their consolidation of Technical part and Commercial part together which might be end at 3.00pm. I asked to excuse myself earlier around 1.45pm. while their SSDU internal project committee were discussing on some of the procedures which they need to do.

I need to go to the workshop to change the car tyres as asked by Alvin last night. The initial plan was to fetch both children from school then just go to the shop nearby our house.

I felt as I still a little bit time, so I drove to the mechanic that did the spray paint for my car last year during I was involved in the motorbike accident where the motorcyclist knocked my car bumper and rear tyre. I just need an estimates about how much it will cost and I need to arrange the monies and how am I going to get it done by this month as instructed by Alvin.

I went to TT Auto Workshop Ah Tee there. After Ah Tee saw my car, then he noticed that my rear tyre already worn out and he did check the price from his friend who opened the tyre shop. The Continental Tyre is about RM160+ for the size of my car tyres and he advised me to change only the both tyres at the back as I do not want to change all 4 tyres because there is 1 still only 1 year and 2 months old only.

Thus I called Alvin and asked about his opinion. He was in the tender interview at 3.00pm. So decided to just do it at Ah Tee’s workshop. After I fetched both Issac and Annabelle, it was already 4.00pm when I reached Ah Tee’s workshop. So I asked the children to stay in his workshop office and he drove the car to his friend’s place to change the tyres. According to him, it would only took 1.5 hour for that.

We were waited at Bandar Sunway from 4.00pm to 5.30pm, and Alvin was calling to chase us back to home and asking why it took so long to do it. He started to feel annoy on me as it was already started to rain and we know that it will going to be very jam later in the evening.

After I asked Ah Tee if the car is ready, then he called his friend and about 6.00pm he went off to take the car. I was wondering why it take him so long to get the car back, then only I know that he drove the car to his friend’s shop at Sungai Way. No wonder it took him so long!

I was kind of regretted about my decision to change the tyres at Ah Tee’s workshop, it would not be this late if I change it near our house there, which is just outside our home. Both kids would have at home already; I could send them back home first then only drive out to change the tyres; We could have dinner already near the shops there while waiting for the car to be ready; the most important of all, Alvin would not have worried and raised his voice to me because of this late.

I was thinking and wondering, why am I ended up here and change the tyres here? The clock is ticking, the sky is getting darker, the rain seems still and I yet to see any sign of my car back to the workshop. My mind was already stressed out and blanked. All kind of thoughts came into my mind. Why? Why? Why?

After what had happened last night, I thought everything was going to be better after the whole day of calmness and serene, and this is how I am going to end up for the day? Another day of quarrels again from Alvin? Oh gosh!

I just quietly prayed to the Lord that if this is the things that He wants me to go through, I just take it and go through it. I totally surrender! I do not want to think it anymore, be it the outcome will become worse or even Alvin and I can just split up, it is OK with me!

Finally Ah Tee drove back the car with the new tyres, and I asked children to go to the car while he was finalizing the cost. It was RM419.00. Immediately I WhatsApp Alvin about the cost and he transferred the amount to Ah Tee’s account.

It was about 7.00pm that we started to drive back home, and it was about 7.30pm when we reached home. Surprisingly Alvin asked us to go up to the home to take a bath first when I asked Issac to call him that we were at the downstairs if he wants to go out dinner.

We went to the Medan Selera Puchong Prima which is near our home and had our dinner there. Everything seems OK and normal with the presence of the children. I am grateful for the day end as it is. At least no quarrels.

I feel as Alvin unable to sleep well throughout the night and there is something on his mind that bothering him. And I do not know what is it. I just feel as I do not know the storm that lays underneath the calmness of the sea when will blow up someday?

I am grateful to the Lord that He was there and I know that I was so so worried at Ah Tee’s workshop, and I feel as He was there listening and watching me having my fears all around me and I know that He knows, that I know that I need to go through it.

I do not know why it is so difficult for me to hear Him and I am still trying my very best to listen to Him to guide me. But one thing for sure is that I know that He love me and my family, and that is enough for me at that moment.

I am Grateful

Last week I found out that my left breast would feel pain if I incidentally press on it, and I can feel a lump that is movable. I feel scared because I heard too much about women that diagnose with breast cancer and how it is the common cancer which happened in 1 out of 4 women in our country.

For that instance, I was so worried because I know that I have too many things that I not yet done, such as my family history work, my blogs that not yet fully update for my children to see my stories and their early childhood stories, lots of family photos which I not yet digitalized, and places which I not yet go, I want to see my both children get into BYU Hawaii if it is God’s will, I want to see both of them getting marry and have their own families, I want to be a temple worker or serve as senior couple missionary with Alvin if it is God’s will, and so many more. How can I just go away right now?

Thus, I told Alvin about this and I called SJMC to fix an appointment to see Dr. Yip after I getting advice from Jessie and Yee Suang to seek for a consultation and opinion, just to make sure. Alvin agreed and accompanied me to SJMC today.

I feel so relief when I heard the doctor told me that everything is normal and alright. After her initial check-up, the doctor asked me to go the imaging department to perform the mammogram and ultra sound scan.

It was quite a while as the imaging waiting room was crowded of people and patients. After the scanning, we went back to the Breast and Endocrine Surgery department and wait for Dr. Yip’s consultation.

This time around Alvin did not accompany me into the Dr Consultation room, but he was outside. He looked ok and he knows that it would be OK for me. It is true as Dr. Yip said there is nothing to worry about, and it might be the cists which I felt in my breast.

She is a very experienced doctor.She just took a needle and poked it to my left breast and taken out liquids in my breast and showed to me, and told me that I am OK.

I feel ease and my burden was lifted up. For the past week, I was quite uneasy and emotional not really feel good. One thing I know is that I have to keep and think on the positive side, because I need to have faith in the Lord and just surrender myself to Him.

Deep down in my heart, I just feel that Alvin is not so nervous or worry for me at all. I do not know why I have this feeling but I know that this kind of feeling doesn’t help in our relationship at all. Is this the instinct that I have which he still hides something from me still, or there is still another woman still which he is still lie to me?

I do not know… but I can just feel the love and care that he has for me is no longer that sort of intimate that what husband and wife should have… This may be is my trial that I need to work out for my own or the Lord wants me to go through it, it is on my way or my path…

I should put my trust in the Lord and I am grateful that all is well…

Feel Defeated Again…

After what was happened yesterday, today is a peaceful day. I was communicating with Sister Yong Yong as she is Sister Sandy’s ministering sister to see how we can further assist her spiritually.

I decided to give her a call to check on her how is she doing after I have settled down in the home. It was almost 9pm. She was quite offensive during starting of the conversation, but eventually she became relaxed a bit and started to tell me the whole story of her workplace stuffs which I think I need to do is to listen what she has to say.

It took almost 45 minutes and I knew that Alvin must be calling me but unable to get through because I was engaged online. I ended the tele-conversation by telling her that I need to call Alvin as we always will call each other at the night during this time.

Then, I sensed that Sister Sandy’s tone changed and she said that if I need to tell the sisters in the Church about what she had been through and told me that if I am free find one day go to the Labour Department with her together.

At that point of time, I feel really uneasy and not comfortable at all because she was sort of commanding me to go and settled her problem with her. I said to her that, I would seek the counsel from the Branch President on this. She did not say anything and we just casually ended the call.

I feel exhausted after having the tele-conversation with her. I called Alvin after that, I just told him what was happening for the past 2 days and I just totally feel mind drained because of Sister Sandy’s attitude. After he listened to what I have to say, then Alvin told me that, that was exactly what was happening years back during she just baptised into our Church.

Alvin purposely applied half day leave to drive her to the Vietnam Embassy to apply some official documentation. In the end, she was not satisfied in what the Vietnamese Officers requested, even would want to ask Alvin to argue with the officers for her.

Thus, Alvin felt that was the most that he can assist, further more the matter he assist her was her personal matter. That is the reason why after her case, he less and less do his home teaching as it is sometimes so burdening.

He advised me that we strive to assist and do our part and do whatever we can, if the matters are beyond our limitation, we cannot further pursue anymore. Why doing ministering so difficult?

This is the first time I am putting thoughts into it and want to improve my ministering work, and such things happened. It would definitely make me think twice when I think of ministering further. I really feel a little bit scare off after this. I have a sleepless night…

爱你就是你望着世界，我望着你

余世达！

我爱你，
就是你望着世界，
而我望着你。

Communication…

Alvin and I were texting on WhatsApp about Issac’s birthday present this year, that he already bought smart phones for both children. I was too surprised that he would spend this amount of monies for the children.

Alvin was very unhappy when I asked about the school fees for the children, may be I am not sensible enough to know when and what I should do next. I think this is the biggest problem that I have when I ‘communicate’ or ‘live together’ with him all these long…

[1:50 pm, 04/12/2018] C Alvin Yu: Yr payment this month i only can transfer 1500 and u help settle voilin n art class tq..

[1:51 pm, 04/12/2018] C Alvin Yu: Sorry for inconvenience this month.  And also no outstation trip this month also

[1:58 pm, 04/12/2018] ipeng: Dear.. we are fine if there is no trip this month.. as long as we can be together I am sure the kids are happy enough already…

[2:00 pm, 04/12/2018] ipeng: Because sometimes after you went back to JB, after 1 or 2 weeks  the kids would ask me that daddy will come back this week or next… they are really looking forward to be with you everytime they see you…

[2:01 pm, 04/12/2018] ipeng: Both children also would understand if we don’t have year end trip as usual…

[2:02 pm, 04/12/2018] ipeng: They are really excited and prepare so much for the school concert to give you surprise this time you come back…

[2:05 pm, 04/12/2018] ipeng: Even every night you see them didn’t talk much to you, but they really care and love you…

[2:07 pm, 04/12/2018] ipeng: Both are really understanding children, if just stay at JB and just going around only this Christmas is ok with them…

[7:34 pm, 04/12/2018] ipeng: Thanks dear..

[11:08 pm, 04/12/2018] ipeng: Good night dear from us! Just now Annabelle was given us the night prayer… you are in her prayer… that you healthy and good…

Frankly, I hate all these uneasy and unsecure feelings that I have whenever he is far away from home. It is like an open window to take the trust that I have for him… or vice versa…

One Bite Durian Puff Fans ^^

[3:32 pm, 03/12/2018] C Alvin Yu:

Remember this haha melaka trip... with durian puffur

[3:33 pm, 03/12/2018] ipeng: Haha.. I think 3 of you only la

[3:33 pm, 03/12/2018] ipeng: I am still on my way driving there

[3:36 pm, 03/12/2018] C Alvin Yu: Ya ya

Uneasy Thoughts

From the WhatsApp message that Alvin texted last night, I felt uneasy in my heart because it seems like there might be something that I do not know off. This kind of feeling make me uncomfortable.

This is not the first time that he did not pick up the video call at all, gives me a sense of he is hiding something behind me - I just feel as he has woman again in Johor Bahru.

It is not a good feeling and it hurts so much and again.

I thought that that feeling would not come as I had been through it much before, but the feeling of being betrayed and heartache are not immunized just because I had experienced before.

The pain was real before and the pain is real now.

What are the things that I am not doing last time and this time as well? Is all these my fault? I really do not know.

I really feel tired.

Conversation…

[2:10 pm, 30/11/2018] C Alvin Yu:

Dear, in fact 2 days back o also mid writing message to u regards lord's love to our family just too busy halfway wrote n deleted no time to finish what inside my thoughts. Indeed god love us from day before u and kids converted, dos loves n guidance started while I first excepted thee since I convert SIB. That night when I raise my hand surrender to him I felt holy ghost had never left me n include guiding u n children. But over the years n in LDS, I except the teaching I respect n believe the church n prophets, but on certain matters I not cannot accept or reluctant to believe, is just I understand d plan of salvation, I value d time we in this mortal timeframe, but choices is individual. We sin every moment, we seek his forgiveness every day, we be honest with him n our love one every day. Dear I trust god will never punish or neglect his children soon as his children pray n have faith with him.. but do not use force to force ppl to believe Christ or thee, cause god never which that happens eventually ppl will leave him n this is what he not willing to c… he like more followers with faith n love him trust him.

[2:11 pm, 30/11/2018] C Alvin Yu:

This is what I am at this juncture.

Dear prayer is important cause it shows always put god in us at d 1st place.  2nd is family.  Because without thy father in heaven we r nothing.

[2:15 pm, 30/11/2018] C Alvin Yu:

Dear, I love u n this family.  But do in fact sometimes u try want me to bring out myself to talk to u, but u yourself seems not stabilize to listen what I m going to speak n lead me also quite not to say much...  to receive matters to discuss have to be peaceful n mine clear, by not over react or over judgement... this only ppl will speak truth n heart to heart talk with each others.

[2:20 pm, 30/11/2018] C Alvin Yu:

U should know me well.  I m a focus person.  What I do or did n decision made with a plan but not in temporary (except guitar lesson, ha-ha but will still try to complete n learn yet give up, just need to stabilize myself 1st).  Dear u n kids are my beloved family n all happiness r from u all.  All burden stress all cause of u all I able to handle n put it down... cause I truly love u all.

[2:23 pm, 30/11/2018] C Alvin Yu:

I have things in myself, do like to honestly spell to u all, but need a right time for u to listen n solution... I do not like to have unhappiness faces or mood moment during all discussion.  Because I felt as a family if cannot spell out within family members it will really burden me.. n I do not know who else to talk to.

[2:24 pm, 30/11/2018] C Alvin Yu:

Maybe today u felt why I wrote in long messages.. is nothing but my feeling inside n maybe holy ghost would like me to express out at this moment but not other days..

Love u all dear.

[2:24 pm, 30/11/2018] ipeng: I am listening.. dear

[2:31 pm, 30/11/2018] ipeng: We love you too

[2:32 pm, 30/11/2018] ipeng: You can talk to us what is in your mind and heart.

[2:33 pm, 30/11/2018] ipeng: That is family are for

[2:36 pm, 30/11/2018] ipeng:

I just like can sense your mind is in troubled and there is something you are facing now.. I do not know what is that.. but it’s must be something that you are thinking about all the time..

[2:39 pm, 30/11/2018] C Alvin Yu: Nice right laptop wall paper

[2:40 pm, 30/11/2018] C Alvin Yu: Always c u all n soften my heart every moment I going frust

[3:02 pm, 30/11/2018] ipeng: ^^

I know it is not easy for one to say what was in his heart out, even though I might feel a little bit not so comfortable and not easy, but I am grateful for his willingness to share for this family.

Messages…

[7:57 am, 14/11/2018] ipeng: Dear.. we love you.. please remember.

[7:58 am, 14/11/2018] C Alvin Yu: Remember dear.. love you all too.

[7:58 am, 14/11/2018] ipeng: 若你現在正在面临人生的挑战，希望羅纳德。羅斯本長老的話能够增强你对神的信心，他说：當你處在人生大风暴之中，不要忘记你是神的儿女，这个神聖的傳承，也不要忘记你永恒的目标。)
神爱你

[7:59 am, 14/11/2018] ipeng: We are God’s children. We have great potential! We love you!

[8:00 am, 14/11/2018] C Alvin Yu: vision mission direction towards God yes forever remember.. but in me myself certain things i just have to be myself.. knowing God love us so much yes indeed never forget...

[9:31 am, 14/11/2018] ipeng: Dear... I know that I understand you not much, even we have been married for long time. You are always a really good family man in our eyes.. I know that you must been through a lot and much challenges, struggles and sufferings at points and moments which we were not seeing you, in your career working life and your personal struggles for all these years.. for you never tell us all your bitterness.. I know it is not easy for you to face that alone, and all those you have been through have made you become what you are today. I wish for all those years I have been there with you. I do not know

[9:46 am, 14/11/2018] ipeng: I do know that it is really not easy for you to go through all those years alone. I feel sad that for all these years I never walk into your heart, share your sadness and happiness. I was not grow up so fast as you have been progress. But one thing I know that is I love you from the day one I saw you till now. I know that you love us, but I can feel that you are not in love with me anymore... I feel sad.. what is happening between us

[10:04 am, 14/11/2018] ipeng: Dear.. can both of us try and try to make our relationship better ya? I love you.. dear

Connect All the Dots…

Today I sat down and think… refresh my memories and connect back all the dots and lines which I had been encountered for the past few days. I am indeed amazed!

For the past few days I was too blind and too deaf to hear the communications or the messages from Heavenly Father that I really missed had I not been striving to hear it and see it. Heavenly Father was and is trying to reach out to me everyday!

On last Friday, I received Sister Saffron message through WhatsApp. It was President Dieter F. Uchtdorf about Faith. “Faith comes to the humble, the diligent, the enduring.”

I was just read it through and did not put into my heart. I remembered that I did come across the scripture line that asked me to have faith in Heavenly Father and be humble, meekness and pray to Him.

On last Saturday, Sister Saffron sent this message to me, Elder Ronald A. Rasband said, “I begin by reminding you that you are a son or daughter of a loving Father in Heaven...” I too just read through the message and did not put into my heart at all.

I remembered that on Saturday,  I was watching The Nutcracker and the Four Realms as part of our programme in celebrating Issac’s birthday. Clara receives an egg-shaped box from her father as it is a present that her late mother given to her before she died.

The egg-shaped box which she is unable to unlock, together with a note saying "Everything you need is inside". While Clara’s godfather, a skilled engineer Drosselmeyer were talking to her in the movie, I sort of sensed that The Lord is talking to me in the movie too. And it has been as the Lord is telling me that I am His child, do not be afraid.

Finally Clara managed to open her egg-shaped music box and discover a mirror, illustrating that all she needed was herself. This message as it was from the Lord, was telling me that I am the answer to all my fear and troubles. He was telling me that I have a great talent that I have ever know. I am the key of all the questions and puzzles of all. I can feel His love at that instant.

Heavenly Father is reaching out to me everyday to tell me in every ways the things He wants me to know. It is really so miracle that the message each day is the same, just I did not see it! This is really a testimony that I have and I would not want to forget, and how the power of ministering able to reach to those who need.

All these sequences of spiritual experiences made me realise that I have to do in the Lord’s will. If I am too anxiously want the end results (prayer) in my will, I will feel lost… I think that was the reason being why I was worrying and troubling for the whole week.

Heavenly Father indeed knows me very well… That was the reason why He sent Sister E Chin to talk to me last Sunday. Suddenly for this instance, I just feel like, I am not a so obedient child at all, till Heavenly Father have to ‘speak loud’ to me on my face. I was too upset and that was the reason why hinder me from seeing and feeling.

This is the closest that I can feel and start to understand how Heavenly Father talk and answer my prayers. I really would not want to forget these precious moments for the rest of my life…

We were sending Alvin to the KLIA2 as he was taken the earliest flight back to Johor Bahru, after which I send both children to their school. We had our breakfast at 24 Hours KFC which is just near Mecaje this morning.

I know that there are still a lot of things will happened in front of our marriage journey, but the Lord let me knows that He is always there beside me, even though I cannot sense it or feel His presence because of I was too focus on my sadness, anxiety, worries that had blocked me from listening and feel Him.