W2W: Fate and Change…...

This week would be the last week of the Semester 1 of the year 2012. Time flies…

I remembered last Friday, Issac told me that, this Friday there will be a party in the school to celebrate the belated Teacher’s Day. The actual Teacher’s Day is on the 18th May 2012, which was last Friday

I think the school must be postponed the celebration due to, the whole last week was the examination week.

He said to me, “Mummy, Teacher Thein asked us to bring some food to school for party.”

“ OK. Then what you think you want to bring leh?”

“I don’t know…”

“OK. Let Mummy think what to give or let you bring the school for party at…”

Then, I just remembered Renee’s son Keenan is same class with Issac. Then, I text her…

21 May at 12:44

“Hi, check with u, got teacher’s day celebration at school when at?”

 

21 May at 14:34

“I also not quite sure. Friday.”

21 May at 16:09

“This Friday. There will be a small party in the class. U can cook or buy the food. What u wanna bring on that day?”

 

21 May at 17:07

“I dun have any idea. Actually quite tough time for me n my kids now. I m in the process of going thru divorce with Alvin. It had been almost 3 weeks the kids didn’t see their dad, n my son is very attach to him. I think of something at least can make my son happy..I don't know what to say, his dad having another affair again, n he is so madly in love now w a Christian girl at 28 years old…haiz…he willing to let go this family, n now I’ll got to take care of 2 kids…

 

21 May at 17:09

“Haiz…He never change. U can do it. Ivan is young, he will get used to new arrangement. Alvin left? Juz like that? As for d teacher’s day Friday, u get Ivan to to inform teacher what to bring. I bought cakes for Keenan.”

 

21 May at 17:17

“He started his new relationship only 15/3/12, n he lies to the girl he had been divorced. 21/3/12 he just wrote email to me request divorce. After that, I just go mad n look for the evidence, etc. Anyway, is history now, what made me hurt is he never call n talk to the kids anymore, even weekends too, dun bother to come back to c the kids. He told me, he now been baptized, n believe in god already. I told him, I believe in god too, n god knows what is happening…he moved out from the house already. Since last month, we had been discussed on the child support monies…probably this is my karma… n I still believe in karma. Just I got to learn how to let go…”

 

21 May at 17:34

“He is so cruel. Juz forget him. Hope he will pay d child support. Otherwise u will be very tight. What's your next plan?”

 

21 May at 18:08

“Last year I just quit my fulltime job, n do insurance fulltime just to make sure I get ready n fetch Ivan on time. It’s a sudden lower income. N this thing happen, luckily or god do take care of me, after CNY my friend got a project n ask me to manage for her, at least got a stabile income till July. I might look for a fulltime job later, insurance side still goes on…she might got more project…just keep the finger cross…”

 

21 May at 18:15

“Tell them, I mean d kids.”

21 May at 18:18

“You must find a fulltime job for sure to let children have more security. Currently both at d day care right? When’s d proceeding going to be finalized? What did u tell him?”

 

21 May at 21:48

“This week lawyer will be sending the joint petition, after sign off, wait for go to court…he is so desperate, I just feel like I had been taken advantage from him all these years. His name just cleared out from insolvency, n he is buying a condo. He didn’t know that I know everything, because I traced his emails, FB, his love blog with the girl.”

 

21 May at 21:56

“U help him pay the debt? Where he knows her? U very good n patient with him. It’s his lost.”

 

21 May at 21:58

“Initially I dun 1 2 divorce, but after I found out the ugly truth, no point for me to drag, n I dun have the mental strength to play the game. Better I just grab the kids while he wiling to let go, n start my life with the kids. It’s pain, because at the age of 39, he willing to let go this family n start all over again. He is the director n actor of whole show in front of his family, they didn’t call me n ask me about anything. They just know that, he had affair 4 years ago, n I am the 1 who take revenge on him. They dun even know he been together with the 1st still recently, n now got the 2nd 1.”

 

21 May at 22:00

“I didn’t pay his debt. Instead, he use my name to take personal loan to buy 2nd hand car for his 1st affair.”

 

21 May at 22:02

“His project supplier, he cover very well. I think even his brother didn’t know about that, even he work for his elder brother.”

 

21 May at 22:07

“OMG”

 

21 May at 22:09

“That is why I said, I accept it because this may b my karma. But I still believe in karma, because just like I saw at FB just now. No need for revenge, those who hurt u will eventually get busted. It is really hurt…”

 

21 May at 22:10

“Use it name…How? Take back d car lo. Man can b an asshole. And, how he can give up d kids. Hey, u must be strong. No point sad or headache of him. Not worth it. F*** off with his family too. Y they say u want revenge? They blind or what?

 

21 May at 21:16

“I also dun think of 1 2 explain further to them. My friend ask me, y dun u just go to the girl n tell the truth? What next then? I believe the truth will be revealed itself when time comes. My dad said, raise up 2 kids, forget about that man.”

 

21 May at 22:20

“Ask me to take personal loan to buy 2nd hand car for his own use n hire purchase loan, after few months then say 1 2 change car. Then old me that old car sell off to his friend. N, I am the most stupid woman in the world to trust him, because I still believe in him n our family.”

 

21 May at 22:24

“U know me during our schooling time. Am I like that? I need to live well, n earn back my pride n dignity, n educate 2 kids well. To live well just for myself, even better than the past 10 years with him!”

 

21 May at 22:33

“Oh…I agreed with it dad. Forget him. No point confront d girl. Coz u never know she will face d same as hid he x change. So, juz get rid of him. Raise it kids is d priority. Take back d car. Or sell it.”

 

21 May at 22:36

“U see when we r married, we change. For better or worst. At times, we r blinded with what happening n hope something god will eventually happened. U gave him changes. Too bad he dun see it. U must keep going. So, dun think about d past.”

 

21 May at 22:37

“Where’s your dad? Is he nearby? Now u need family backup. Your siblings?”

 

21 May at 22:37

“He got a bit of conscience, as the car he sold off n settle already. Imagine for the last 5 years, he is been paying 2 sides expenses, n he only back for 3 to 4 days a week.”

 

21 May at 22:41

“He is here, staying with Esiang at Subang. I am the earlier on who isolated with them. U know what? 4 years ago, Esiang is the 1 called him busted. Now, I m the one call him that.”

 

21 May at 22:53

“Oh…Dun think like that. Esiang will understand de. U choose to give him chance to change. It x work out d way u want. But I think u know deep down, only u dun want to accept. Still, its never too late.”

 

After I saw the last message, I didn’t reply already. Ya, may be she is right…deep down inside my heart, I just do not want to accept it…

I keep on running away from my fate… It comes to me eventually…

My Precious Have Grown So Fast!

I do not realise and I cannot believe both of my children have grown up so fast! Just remember the time during both were still toddlers and young, they were so tiny and cute!

Now they truly are their own persons. They love to play with Lego, drawings and any kind of games.

Both know what they want, even ordering their favourite KFC. They are always enjoy companionship with each other, and quarrel sometimes.

They are always listening, even when they are tumbling around and acting crazy, and suddenly say word for word something they just heard someone else say. And, that amazed me!

My Issac and Annabelle, I cannot imagine my life without both of them! Love them so much!

A Marriage…

Aunt Jasmine actually posted this video clip on her wall someday ago. I noticed it, but I did not really open the video and play it, as I saw it is a dharma talk, and I do not have time to look at it. It is almost an hour clip.

During last Friday dinner at the Forum Ah Yatt Abalone Restaurant, she asked me to watch it, because there is something more than the gay marriage that the monk is talking.

“ In a marriage, you should never think as yourself; in a marriage, you must not think as your partner; in a marriage you just think of us. And, it is not about me – the selfishness; It is not about sacrifice in myself to my partner; In a marriage, it is about losing yourself to the relationship, losing yourself in renouncing me, to us.”

“ It is not about trusting yourself, is not about trusting your partner, is trusting the relationship, the us part of thing. What happened is the us-ness, and the us-ness is the spiritual thing. None selfness. That is why a marriage is a spiritual thing.”

It is the marriage all about, in the eyes of Buddhism. Ajahn Brahm talks really does open my eyes to the mistake that I done. The us-ness, which probably previously I did not feel it or do it or realize it, that is why probably sometimes he felt so fed up on me, especially when doing the household chores?

I do not know…When I think deeply, it is not just me only who do it, how about him? He was and always is having an affair non-stop, right? That does not matter now.

I just noticed it now, that this clip was published on 21 March 2012. It was the day which I received the divorce letter from him. Everything happened for a reason, am I right? It is just the matter of time?

Our Last 7th Anniversary…

Today is 17th May 2012. 7 years ago at this date, we had our traditional wedding ceremony at Kuching, Sister Agatha’s house.

Today I am quite ok to work, probably I was keep myself busy and do not want to think too much of the divorce things. Came back from work, settled the children food, bathing, playing, chatting, accompanied them to the bed around 10:30pm.

Around 11:00pm, he called and told me about his first gym experience which yesterday he told me. His background sounds like just finish his training session, he was grasping. He said, he was nearly fainted and very tired on the training session, using the equipment and practiced 12 times each equipment.

I just smiled and answered, “It is good that you had taken up a coarse for yourself. You have to take care too, because you know you have a bit of low blood pressure…”. He paused, “ Yes, there is just now I felt a bit dizzy,”

I am not sure he was just answered it, or he was not happy that I spoken to him like that. Then, he just put down the phone, as he wanted to take his bathe.

I guessed he was forgotten about today…He just left our wedding ring here in our house before he walked out from the house. I saw and noticed the ring, and I had kept it in the small beg, together with mine. Both ring were written 17.5.2005 behind.

“ Do u still remember today? 17/5? I guess this would b our last anniversary, 7th…Thanks for all that happened thru out the years…n the 2 lovely kids v have…all the sour, sweet, bitter, spicy had came to an end…even both of us din work out n I unable to walk together down the road till your hair becomes silver white, I still want to thank u for everything n apologize whatever I did wrong without realizing it…just thanks for everything…”

“Happy Anniversary for the last time…thanks for everything…”

I can’t help myself, and my tears falling down, I was weeping for sometimes.

After a while, he called.

He just said, “ Sorry, for all these years, you are the one who is so heartfelt and remember all these tiny things, I am the one who is no good to you and our two children…”

I was weeping and crying, I just told him, “I am tired. I feel like sleeping…”

Then, there is a silence between us, except the weeping sounds…

“ We talk later after both of us calm down ya…”. He said, and there was no more calls…

I can’t really sleep and had a sleepless night …

Pick Up My Live Writer Again…

It’s been almost 2 weeks that I try my very best not to write any more. It is really hurt when I started to write and have to reveal my pains, and the scar in the heart. It is something like using a sharp knife, keep on digging my unhealed wound in my heart.

Till I saw Esiang’s post on his Facebook’s wall today. It is actually more on a letter which a young guy wrote to himself, after a 2 years backpacking life abroad, far away from his homeland, living alone, working and experienced a different life.

The first thing he wrote to himself, is keep on writing his diary or a journal. We will forgot someday…the things that we are writing now, at the very moment now, it is really hard and difficult, especially when you are going thru the hard and tough time, with the emotions.

Someday, in the near future, you will be forgotten all those things which happened to you, and your sanity will make it clearer for you. But, all those that you had been went thru is your life. And, your journal will keep you ‘awake’ that, do not be forgetful, as all the moments you went thru, had make up a very ‘unique’ you, and a mirror which reflect you…

That’s is why I pick up my Live Writer again…or more appropriate is my Life Writer…

             *****                    *****                 *****

写给24岁自己的一封信

 

两年前的我：

 

你好吗？我很好。你现在在幹嘛啊？机票买好了，新电脑准备好了，在更新iTunes裏你的最爱？在学习调好新电话的GPS？还是在努力的找你人生中第一张Couchsurfing沙发？

 

离开时，总有一点不捨得的。大学经济课唯一学到的，是机会成本。任何决定，必有得有失。纽西兰一年的打工度假，最重要的，不是你去过什麽地方，是给了你完整一年的时间做你自己想做，试你自己想试的事。这是只属於你的一年，暂时放下家庭的期许，朋友的比较，事业的方向，失败的压抑，隻身飞到一个全新的国度。在那裡，没有人认识你，没有人知道你的过去，你，可以做一个全新的自己。试一下不同的性格，试一下不同的生活方式，试一下你很想接触的经验，试一下不敢做的事情，试一下隨便认识朋友，试一下踏出你的安全网。这一年，你将开始一字一句的写下你人生一书很重要的一章。2010你的年，一个失败与成长的故事。

 

我还记得，你坐上飞机那一刻的感觉。“真的假的？幹嘛我会在这裡？我疯了吗？”。你没有疯，至少那一刻还没有 :P 这一年裏，你会做出让你意想不到，却难忘一生的事。路，不能说是平平坦坦，但一路走下去，你总会找到一个一个新的方向。

 

不用担心。你只是开始走一条跟大部份人不一样的路。到今天，我也不知道这是对还是错。毕竟，没有前人的脚步，每步前行，都是你自己发现的新道路。

 

谢谢你。这一年，你勇敢的做了这个很重要的决定。

 

走过了这一年多的路，从纽西兰打工度假毕业，请让我在这裡为未来一年提供一些意见:

 

1. 写日记

日复日记录自己的每一刻，真的很辛苦，特別是你心情低落时还要一字一句写下你最糟糕的经历。对你来说，这样花时间重温你的噩梦，肯定不是一件享受的事情。记得吗，你是你人生那本书的作者。今天的低落，只是让故事更好看的一个小结，每个扣人心弦的故事总得有高低起伏。这一年的结局，一直由你那支笔决定。日记，不是写给今天的你。若干年后，你会慢慢变得理性，忘记年轻时的热情，对事情的悸动。今天的你，是未来的你最好的老师。你有责任提醒他们，不要忘记生活的意义，不要忘记朋友的重要，不要忘记要不断学习，不要忘记真诚待人，不要忘记要对工作的热情，不要忘记困难总会过去，不要忘记做你引以为豪的那个自己。

 

2. 每天都拍照

虽说是打工度假，但不是每天都有新鲜有趣的事情。要你拿著单眼500D每天东奔西跑好像又破坏了你浪子不羈的形像 :P 我知道确实有很多时候都没办法把相机带在身上。好好运用你手机的拍照功能吧，一些无聊透顶的物件，点餐的菜谱，工作的排班表，生产线上的生活，厨房的杯杯碟碟，以至你超级市场最爱逛的那一个角落，有空的话，都把它们拍下来。将开你的眼睛，保持永远的好奇心，让你电脑裏每天都有特別的moment。其实，你最爱的照片，往往不是那些令人惊歎的天然美景，而是一张张勾起你生活点滴的小照片。

 

3. 认识更多朋友

一年三百六十五天，每天多交一个朋友，一年后你会成功的把你面书的朋友列大大扩张 :P 假设男女比例平均，你会认识182个女生。根据统计学，正態分佈中总有一两%的突出者，折算最少有两三个高品质的女生合你心意…说笑啦！我觉得，既然你只有一年的时间，也只有一年的体验，那更应该认识多一点朋友。听他们的故事，瞭解他们的经验和生活，多看一点別人写的书，好好学习，对你有百利而无一害。其中一些朋友，他们会成为你未来书中最重要的角色，在你走下去时提供强大的后盾，支持你继续追梦。

 

4. 不以貌取人

纽西兰的自我中心，中国的没教养，台湾的英文很烂，香港的现实势利，马来西亚的说话大声，日本的自成一角，南美的不负责任，没有的。不要以貌取人，不要把你家裏看人的刻板印象带到背包旅行。背包和打工度假给你的，是一个瞭解其他国家文化的好机会。多聆听別人的想法，不强把自己的文化价值观直接套在別人身上。互相尊重彼此的差异，接受新的观点，你会学习到更多。咖啡厅洗碗的阿姨，工厂的拖车司机，餐厅的侍应，他们可以教你的，不比大学裡的教授少。

 

5. 放下自己

打工度假是一个让你放下自己的好机会。一个人身在外地，没有人知道你的过去，没有你强逼你活在他们的期许下。你是你自己，你只爲你自己负责。大部份的打工度假都是穷孩子，手裡拿著差不多的钱（呃，可能你的一千纽币是真的比较少…），站在同一个起跑点上。你会完完整整放下自己，一切归零，没有贫富之差，学历也再不管用，去找什麽工作，过什麽生活，是你的决定。也许，你会怀疑放弃你既有利益的价值，但放下以后，没有了包袱，你才会往前走的更快。

 

6. 活在一个没有不可能的世界

记得，你出发前问过朋友的意见，十居其九都不支持你一年的打工度假，觉得你是时候定下来发展事业。一年过后，我不敢想像失去这一年对你是多大的损失。记得，你尝试，有机会失败。但你不试，永远没有机会成功。每个人在走不一样的路，你可以选择隨著人家走路，过著低风险的一生。或者是尝试自己探索，准备可能的失败，慢慢走一条属於你自己的道路。就一年时间，活在一个没有不可能的世界吧！你有可能失败，有可能跌到，也有可能给自己重新改变的机会。

 

7. 找朋友倾诉

你会遭到挫折，你会遇到不公平的事，你会对你自己很失望，你会感到孤独。我保证，这只是过程中的一部份。多点跟朋友倾诉，跟朋友分享你的想法。他们不一定可以教你做什麽决定，但他们会给你一个拥抱，给你煮一顿饭，给你一块巧克力，给你陪伴。一年过后，你会忘了爲什麽那天这么生气，这么失望，但你会记得每一个朋友送你的小窝心。

 

8. 对人真诚

有天你变成背包的学长，去主动帮助一些刚入学的学弟妹吧！你曾经也有白痴过，也有菜鸟过的时候。我相信的公平，不是拒绝帮一些没有准备，没有爬文的人。我相信的公平，是尽力用你的知识，经验去分享给刚拿起背包的朋友。再告诉他们，那天到他们有能力，也要去帮助新来的朋友。你的经验资讯，是从前辈身上拿到，学到的，这不是你独有的財产。记得真诚帮助有需要的人，把从人家身上学到的经验传承下去，这才是真正的公平。

 

9. 影响身边的人去想多一点，做多一点

拿到打工度假签证是踏出你安全网的第一步。你要想多一点，做多一点，尽力把握每个机会做到最好。你可以让人知道，打工度假不只是在农场工厂工作，打工度假不只是赚钱旅行玩一年，打工度假不是让人逃避现实的避难所。将你梦想的一年实现出来，做到最好，让人知道，这一年的可能性远多於他们心中所想，只要他们勇敢去梦想，勇敢去把梦想实现。

 

10. 做你人生中的作者

你是作者，你决定这一年故事的发展，结局。用笔，用行动写出一个你最喜欢的主角，一个让你自己欣赏，让你自己佩服，让你自己想做的主角。主角是一个拥有强大梦想力，遇见困难不会退缩，不会放弃，一步一步实现梦想的人。只要你真心想要完成一件事，全宇宙的力量都会帮你达成梦想，这是真的。希望从今天开始，你亲手拿起笔，写你自己的故事，做你人生中的作者，让更多人因为你的年，你的故事去做他们自己人生中的作者。

 

我期待你的故事，期待你笔下的主角，让我再一次看到二十四岁的自己想做怎么样的一个人。

 

你问我啊，有后悔两年前的决定吗？没有，真的没有。我可以说，这一年裏一些经验，感受，是我再花上一辈子都值得换回来的。不过，我就先不告诉你那些惊喜是什麽了 我相信，只要你每天聆听自己的心声，保持正面的態度，愿意接受新的挑战，你能做到的，绝对比你想像中的多很多。

 

我很骄傲，有你做了我二十四岁那一年的作者。谢谢你

 

二零一二年五月三日

两年后的你

Dinosaurs Live! @ National Science Centre 6 May 2012

Last year we were here for the Dinosaurs Exhibition, now we are here for the same thing but only 3 of us together only. I can sense that Issac really miss his Daddy so much, but he did not speak it out. Everything he kept inside his heart…

This time around, the setting of the exhibition more organized and neatly done up. The exhibition hall is in black colour background and with the sound and lighting effect would make the dinosaurs more real alive.

But personally I think the sound effect is too loud as the whole exhibition hall is too spacious, resulted the small children would afraid and scared during in the hall itself.

Annabelle was not really fond of the exhibition, but Issac really like it. He asked me to take photographs with the dinosaurs.

There are so many types of the dinosaurs and comes in different names and species. Outside the exhibition hall, there are a giant T-rex skeleton displayed at the center area of the Science Center.

We visited the rest of the exhibition halls as well. I think the most interesting still the fresh water fish aquarium which is in the curve glass as the visitors can look through the fish by just looking up only.

Issac and Annabelle love the exhibits which can doing experiments by their own and interactive with them. They can learn much from there.

Before we went back home, we went to the outdoor park and the Prehistoric Garden. This is the first time, we got so close to the ‘Dinosaurs’! The garden landscape is nicely done up.

At least a great outing today! Mummy loves both so much!

Our 7th R.O.M. Eve…

Tomorrow is 3/5/2012. 7 years ago, on this date, was our ROM at JPN Negeri Selangor at Shah Alam. I still keep our photos on that particular day.

Aunt Jasmine and Kris were our witness for that day. I looked so fat and chubby because during that time, I was pregnant with our first baby Issac inside my stomach already…^^. Both of us looked so happy and blessed with joyfulness and happiness and all the blessings with us…That was 7 years ago.

Today, I received our divorce joint petition draft. I do not know how to describe the feelings…sadness…the left…and today actually is a tiring day for me…

Then, at the night time, he called and asked about the draft. Asked me to quickly settle and sign it off…and told me that RM2,600 is too much for him, then RM2,200 is OK. I was so tired and we got quarreled all over on the child support monies and the draft petition.

Why it got to be ended like that? For all those years? He is willingly and just want to finish it like that, is a mission to him to complete it. He already start his new life…