A Lies…

It is a lies again, which ever he told me on the other night, that he had told the girl the truth, and the girl had decided to put it a stop on their relationship at the night he told me. He had told her the truth, but not the whole truth.

I saw his email to the girl, a tabulation of the alimony and the child support table that we had worked out during for all these 2 months. He just altered and back dated to the year 2009.

I actually felt a bit strange already when I saw the email. I was thinking, what is the reason being why he did that? Unless, he is going to start a new life with the girl.

It is so true that, after that, I called the friend. The friend told me that, he is still together with the girl, and the girl never split with him. So, what he had told her is another version of story I guessed.

Gosh! How many times he is going to hurt me? Again and again?

Confession…

Last night, it was around 10:30pm that Issac asked me to call him, because he wanted to talk to his Daddy. I called him, he picked up the call, but in a very stunned tonality. He just told me, “Can I call you back tomorrow?”. Then, he just put down the phone. I sensed there is something was not right on that, because his tonality was so different. The background shown that he was at outdoor.

I felt not so good. I called again. He picked up. “The children want to talk to you.” “OK. Then you passed the phone to them” I just passed the phone to Issac, then after that was Annabelle’s turn. The children passed back the phone to me. “How are you? Is there anything wrong? Because you sound so different compared to evening when I talked to you just now. Are you sure that you are OK?” He just kept quite. “You just don’t get too pressure on your work ya,”

Around 11:00pm, friend told me that probably he was at the LCCT airport, because his girl friend was arriving today, a business trip coming back from Kota Kinabalu.

Around midnight 12:00am, he called again. He sounds like driving back. He started to cry and tell me…our divorce actually did not involve 3rd party, he had been thinking of and about that since last year December, but it is the day that he baptized, he had found someone that he think is his true love, because he had found someone that think alike, dress alike, eat alike, and so many things in alike the same way… When I told him I knew about that, he was so anxious to know where and how I got to know. I just tell him, I know it from his Facebook page, because there is a small little statement he wrote on her wall.

“I knew that already, after the day you emailed to me about the divorce. Just I think I do not want to tell anyone, because during the first time affair, I admitted I did wrong by telling it to my relatives, but this time I do not want to do the same mistake again. I also do not want to confront you, because what can I do? It will make you and her more suffer only, because you and her are so in love, and when I know the way you in love and put all your efforts into it. What I want and can do is just sign the paper and let you go.”

“I did tell you on the other day, your biggest burden or pressure is me only, if our divorce thing had been settled, then it will take away your biggest pressure and burden already.”

Then, he told me, he told the girl friend the truth, and she cannot accept it as she think that he is trying to cheat her and he is like other man, just want to play and flirting around only.

“You know what? All these while, the past 1 month, I had been suffered and crying almost every night, even I am not a Christian, but I am asking God, why and how could you just deleted 3 of us into your life recycle bin just like that, and you can just re-start a brand new life? But now, He had shown to me that He did change you today, because you tell me the truth, at least it is good that you have a religion beliefs and choose to go back to Him.”

I asked him, I do not understand why he tell her the truth, because I thought you will continue being like that after our divorce, then will be smoothly get together with her already. He told me, that is because he loves her so much, and he does not want to cheat her anymore. “Why are you so, I do not what to say…but this might not be the end, because God sure will listen and hear your prayers. You and her might be together again, who knows?”

He said, here with you definitely divorce already, but with her he think is definitely no more, because he knows her characters. End of the tele-conversation, he just told me that, he feels so sorry to me and both Annabelle and Issac, of being like this. He asked me to be truthful to him, if there is anything, just do not hide or shy away from him. He told, he will be sleeping at Ah Heng’s place for these few days.

It was almost 1:00am when I put down the phone. I called the friend. Friend told me no, but he asked me to listen only what he had said, just don’t trust him.

I do not know, I feel a bit relief yesterday, probably because I do not need to hide anything from him anymore.

                                    *****                    *****                  *****

This morning, Jessie told me the same too, as what I had told the lawyer, the lawyer must be told him already, that is why he is now just sweet talk to me, because of the divorce paper.

Jessie just asked me, “Ipeng, there is no love from him to you already. Just forget him, and concentrate all your efforts on yourself and your kids. Protect your rights.”

I feel so confused. Is that a trick again? All those he told me is lies again? He is asking us to be truthful but he never do that when talks to me?

When I came back home, I saw his car and he locked the door and wanted to go off. I called him, he stopped and waved at me. I walked towards him, he looked tired and I can feel that, he does not want to look at me into my eyes. There is something not right about that.

Together we fetched Issac, had our dinner at Bliss 33 Bistro. During the dinner, he did not talk much, and ate not much, his eyes was so swollen. Is is because he cried yesterday? After the meals, we go and fetch Annabelle. When he sent us back, he does not even want to look at me, and that face again.

I checked his email again, and it seems like he had enrolled a legal advisor website. The time is this morning only. I just asked friend to keep me in a loop, is it what he had told me last night is the truth?

Xian Leng Aquarium Shah Alam 22 Apr 2012

After the swim and ice-creams, 3 of us just walking further down the road as we wanted to have a look in the Aquarium.

Before we parked our car at the Shah Alam Wet World, we noticed that there is a huge like aquarium just situated next to the Shah Alam Wet World.

I talked to both Issac and Annabelle that we would be drop by and check it out later after our swimming session.

It is really a huge space that it occupied just beside the Shah Alam Wet World and Shah Alam Lake Garden.

I was surprised that it is actually owned by the Xian Leng.

Xian Leng is a company which produce Asian Arowana and it is listed in the Bursa Malaysia.

We were so excited when we found out that there are so many aquariums inside this area.

And there are varieties of fish which we never seen before.

It really can compare with the Aquarium in the Zoo Negara, with coding and species of fish being displayed just beside each Aquarium!

There were a lot of people too. Both of them were enjoying themselves in watching so many types of fish.

We sat down and rest for awhile after coming out from the Aquarium, then we went back home. We went back home around 2.30pm. Both were so tire after our outing today, and were slept in the car.

Sometimes, we need to seek for happiness in the simple things…

Shah Alam Wet World Water Park 22 Apr 2012

This is the first time 3 of us come here.

Ever since that the thing happened between me and their Daddy, I had trying my very best to look for activities for the kids.

So that they would not feel a sudden change in the Sunday activities, that most of the time we used to have our family outing together.

But deep down in my heart, I knew that it would not change how they miss their Daddy dearly and deeply and the hurts which scared in their small little tiny heart and soul.

Well, I still need to cheer them up and gave them a happy and positive environment to grow up.

I bought this entry ticket from online Groupon.

I was searching for some cheaper or discounts coupons and this Shah Alam Wet World Park caught my eyes. I guess the children would love this as they like to play water.

We woke up early, I packed both Issac and Annabelle’s clothing and some towels.

I drove there with some help of the signage along the way, and we were so happy that we reached there early.

At 10.00am sharp, we went in to the water park.

Immediately we can see the gift shop is right at our left side, and we are looking to the Kiddy Typhoon Lagoon. It was so cute the design of the wading pool for the smaller kids.

We quickly find a locker that able to put in our things, and keep our slippers.

I accompanied both Issac and Annabelle started playing in the water.

We unable to play the ride such as Caribbean River, Thunder River, Super Hurricane. It is because I cannot handle 2 kids at the same time, and each ride is 1 child accompanied by 1 adult.

We were playing at the Bermuda Triangle which is a kids pool and with a lot of other kids there.

The pool actually connected to the Whirlwind Escape through a small stone overhead bridge, and make it so interesting and mystery for the kids as it has a secret water passage.

Both Issac and Annabelle were so excited about it!

Then, we are playing at the Pirate Cove and Pirate Challenge, the last was the Island of Treasures.

The whole water park is like a Caribbean theme set up.

After a while, the kids felt hungry, I bought some nuggets, fried meehoon, fried rice, and fried chicken as well with cold drinks.

We sat at the bench surround the Kiddy Typhoon Pool area, and enjoyed our meals.

The kids played again and we took shower and changed to our clothing after that.

It was almost 1.15pm. Bought some ice-cream for both of them. As it was really a hot day but can considered superb day for a swim in water park.

We came out from the water park around 2.00pm. I took a photo in front of the entrance for Issac and Annabelle.

They felt happy and I am glad as at least today is a good outing for them…

Guilt?

Surprisingly tonight he came back, while I was writing this blog. The time is around 9:30pm. The children were watching the Cartoon Network channel. He looked tired. I thought today he would not come back, as tonight is Friday night. It had been so many Friday nights that he never comes home already. This afternoon, he came back home and took his car and a luggage bag already. Next week, he will be

He took his bath and said want to sleep early, and he said he wanted to sleep inside the bedroom. He slept in the Queen size bed. After watching the cartoon, I asked the children to sleep as Issac tomorrow have to go to school for the holiday replacement day.

He whispered and asked me, can he hugged me and sleep. I just replied, “Can I do not want? I have to make myself used to it, sooner or later.” He even slept more closer to me…

“Today, I got meeting. Azizi had resigned from SAFF Builders but Brother Andrew promoted promoted the whole of SAFF Builders to higher position,” He said in subtle way. He is quite upset as Brother Andrew did  not promote him instead he promoted those of them are not qualified as he is. He told that, actually Brother Andrew would like to have a dinner with him tonight, but he declined.

I said, “probably Brother Andrew wanted to tell him the reason why he is doing that, probably I do not know how to talk, but there is nothing that you cannot discuss or talk to your brother, because you are brothers.”

“I know, working with him is not easy especially his way of working, but just do not pressure yourself too much, and it is a job. Just make it thru, then that is another project profile for you already.”

He holding my hand, hugged me, his face was closer to my face and hugged me.

“If in future, you have find someone you love and even you will have the family with kids. The first thing I might think off, for sure it would not be fair for these 2 kids. But, eventually, when you have another family, please do not give up if facing difficulties, because you will feel sorry if you do that, like you are letting us go now.”

He said, “If I had found someone, I will let you know ya,”

“No need,” I said in lower tone. “But I got a feeling like you are actually found one already.”

“You will change, I know because you have believe in God.” I sat up in the bed. “I must change too for betterment…I feel sucks…”

He just pated on my back.

When I laid down, he slept more closer to me. He hugged me…kissed me…I tried to push him away…but he is too strong…He touched me at my nipple…my arms…and want to make love with me…I just keep on struggling…He just make love with me…I can feel his lips on my lips, on my nipples, on my face, all over me…at one moment, I felt so relaxed and felt beloved by him…I know it was not long and true feelings from him. I really miss that, how we making love once and long time ago.

I sat up and said, “Why are you doing that? We are going to sign the papers already. You will make me feel awful only, as for the past 1 month, I feel suffer already.” I looked at him. He looked so guilty? I do not know.

My love for him, I do not know…may be times will tell…

「心小了，所有的小事就大了；
心大了，所有的大事都小了；
看淡世事滄桑，内心安然無恙。」

The Day He Came Back from China…

Today 19th April 2012, Thursday is the day he came back from China. I called him around 5:00pm, just to confirm the appointment to go to his lawyer’s office, as I would like to postpone the appointment to the afternoon, need to go meet the Building Manager at Horizon I.

He picked up the phone and quickly replied me that he was just arrived and the flight had been delayed. He said tomorrow he got 2 meetings in the morning and in the afternoon, and he has not called the lawyer and fix the appointment yet. He will call to confirm.

I think there must be his girl friend fetched him from LCCT and do not know go where. Surely, I do not think he went back to site. He did not come back home.

I do not know why, but it seems like this week I am a bit suffered than last week, and I cannot help myself but thinking back the past. Why? Especially, when I want to fetch Issac from school time, I just can’t help myself, my nose will be red, and my tears will keep on rolling down from my eyes. In fact, this week I am really tired… Why I still care?

看穿但不說穿。

很多事情，

自己心裡有數就好了，

不一定得說出來。

Three of Us…

Actually, yesterday was ‘considered a good day’ for me. I think and hope by the incidents happened between me and Issac, the ties between us can become a bit closer.

Issac actually had forgotten to bring back his water tumbler the day before, thus I got him to take another purple colour water tumbler spare one as I am using it to store the cold water in the fridge. Yesterday, he managed to find his own blue one, then he had threw the purple one in the school.

I told him, “Issac, please do not simply throw things such as the water tumbler, you have to ask Mummy first, because the water tumbler need money to buy,” Probably, at that point of time, I had been spoken too much, I had made him not happy and felt angry to me.

I was so angry, then I just drove home, and asked him to take a bath first, before we went to Teacher Yu Win’s class. He was crying all the way, crying heart out loud, and kept on calling his Daddy…

I took him out from the bathroom and covered with the towel. Changing his clothing, and asked him lay on the sofa.

I talked to him, “Issac, you are very scared and angry Mummy, is it?” He just nodded his head.

“Why? Is it because you scared Mummy will beat you, when your water tumbler get missing?” He nodded his head again.

“Issac, you know these few weeks, Mummy is a bit sad and not happy, is it?” He nodded his head and looked at me.

“I know you are sad in here, because Daddy seldom come back, is it?” I touched his chest and asked him. He nodded again.

“Mummy is feeling sad too, that is why sometimes Mummy feeling no good. But, Mummy is always here for you, if you want to talk to me or want to cry, ok? Now, most of the time, three of us, Issac, Annabelle and Mummy, we have to take care of ourselves, we have to learn for each other,ok?”

He looked at me, and said, “ Sorry, Mummy” and hugged me. Both of us hugged together and cried.

I feel so sorry for my son, he has to go thru this at his young age like this. I really wish and pray for our better future ahead, three of us…

The Morning He Leaving to China…

This morning I woke up around 2:00am, he was awake, took his bath, changing the cloth and get ready to go to airport already. Then, I heard our house main door opened and the sliding door sound. He just walked out, I thought it must be sometimes before he came inside the house, as I was awaked by the noise again, especially in this quite hours.

He walked in the bedroom, looked at Annabelle and Issac before he was going to leave the house. I just asked him, as I thought he was gone already because I heard the door sound. He said, he was going to car to take something.

Then, he just sat on our bed and tried to squeeze a place for himself and want to get some sleep. I just slept close to Annabelle. He was sleeping closing to me, and put his arm over my body. I let him and I tried to rest tight onto his arm too. I feel so stone and tight.

He was holding my hand and keep on circulating on my palm. I said softly, “I was old already. You are holding on a rough arm, I am not as young as before.” He just whispered into my ear, “No, you still have your charm.” His another hand touching my leg, then he was kissing me. I let him kissed but I just closed my lips.

I tried to push him away, and asked him,”What is wrong with you today? Are you alright? There must be something wrong with you today that you are behaving like this.”

We were standing at the living room. He looked at me sadly. Is he feeling guilty for what he had done to us? He hugged me. My both arms were crossing over in front of me.

“You are doing this, is it because I am willing to sign the divorce paper with you?” I was smile in a bitter way while saying this. He looked at me with his sad face. Holding my both arms behind him, and hugged me again.

It was started to rain heavily. Brother Andrew came. I just accompanied to the car with the umbrella. Brother Andrew saw me and greeted me, asking about the children and myself. I just told him we are doing fine. 

I watched him leaving inside the car to the LCCT Airport..

Why he was acting like that? Is it the feelings of guilty or love? I think there is no more love for him to me already…His heart already has no room for me, but another woman is living inside there.

Deep down bottom my heart, I guess this was probably the last and closest physical touch that we had as a husband and wife.

God, please give me the strength so that I can forgive him for what he had done to us and our life…And, still a need the strength to put through all this piece and pieces road ahead.

你永遠不會知道自己有多堅強
直到堅強是你唯一的選擇。

Email to a Friend…

最使人疲憊的往往不是道路的遙遠，而是你心中的鬱悶；
最使人頹廢的往往不是前途的坎坷，而是你自信的喪失；
最使人痛苦的往往不是生活的不幸，而是你希望的破滅；
最使人絕望的往往不是挫折的打擊，而是你心靈的死亡；
凡事看淡一些，心放開一點，一切都會慢慢變好

Tonight he came back early, 10:30pm because tomorrow morning he is catching an early flight to Guangzhou, China for a business trip. His Boss Raymond and Brother Andrew asked him to go, to check on the supplier or manufacturer’s factory on some building materials.

I asked the children to sleep early, as their Daddy wanted to sleep early and rest early too. So happened that, Issac did not take his water tumbler to school today, and did not drink the water whole day. His body felt a bit heaty and forehead got fever like that. He was so angry and shouted at me, why am I did not bring the son go and visit the doctor.

I told him, he did not drink the water for the whole afternoon, that is why he is a bit heaty and fever like. I gave Issac the pink colour paracetamol then asked him to sleep inside the room, instead of outside living room with his Daddy.

His Daddy’s face was really does not like, and hate face, as I am not doing my job as a mother. In my heart I am thinking and wondering, “Do you really do your job, as a father too? Care for them?”

I feel sad. I sleep early, as I tired too…

 

                                   *****                 *****                *****

Sunday, 15 April 2012, 22:41

Hi,

U see the subject tittle, u might know why i am writing to u already. Yes, Alvin and i are on the path on going thru it.

It has been 5 years since his affair incidents. I did not realize is that i had planted a seed of hatred and revenge deep inside his heart for all these while. It seems like he is keeping his relationship with the Thai girl friend ever since that. He came back only 3 to 4 days a week (he told me that he is busy all the while and need a room rented outside to do his project things, because when he comes back to home every time, the children are noisy, and he cannot concentrate his works) until last year August, i discover it through his hand phone sms, then we had a quarrel. He said he will settle it.

Eventually, he had settled it. Early this year, one week before Chinese new year, his dad passed away. His temper going worse. Everything i did cannot suit his taste. But, it is still not so bad, because he got come back home. Till last month, suddenly one night 20/3/2012, he told me that he will goes back to his Roman Catholic Church, then 2nd day i received an email from him asked for a divorce. There are many reasons he is given, but to me all those is excuses. Finally, i checked and called his friend, then i knew he is falling in love with a young lady younger than him 12 years at her 28 years old, and she is a Christian. He told that lady, he is a divorcee with 2 children.

He just denied that there is 3rd person in our marriage. But, i got the whole written proof of their emails, blog. He told his family that, he is punishing me for divorce of my misfit of being a wife, lazy, doing the household cleaning works not clean, and how i had treated him 5 years ago for letting all my family members know about his affair, and how my father insulted him. And, to him, it is a nightmare that he starting to think of revenge to me.

I chosen to come back and want to pick up the pieces together with him, and hope i can at least save my family...but all these while i have been hated by someone once i really love with. Friends asked me to tell his family the truth on these 5 years how i have been thru. But, what can i do now? If i tell that lady the truth, he and she will be suffered too, as they are deeply madly in love. Ever since he tell me the divorce, he is not coming back home. Once in a while, come back late 11.30pm or 12 midnight, whereby the children are asleep and second day he goes to work early. The children never see him properly or spending time with him.

I know every family love their sons and daughter, i know it better because now i am a mother. They would not trust me, as i myself too, quite unbelievable when i found out all these years what he had done to me. He is change. I decided to tell his family about it when the court officially announce the clearance.

He give the custody of 2 children to me. He wrote to his family that, his relationship with his kids is even closer than me, and he will give them a happy childhood. Bal, i do not know, at home i always be the bad guy when it comes to teach the children. What i appreciate the most, is actually the process of being there with them, is not all the monetary or things or expensive food where i can buy for them.

Both of them are starting to feel the presence of their father is not always there...I have to go thru together with them...

Well, he is giving me for the first 2 years alimony of rm2,800 per month, then 2 years after rm2600, then decrease to rm2300 till the kids grown up to 18 years old. I know the alimony is a bit less, because he lump in the personal loans that he loan under my name during his bankruptcy time. His name had been cleared just this year. Sad thing to know that he had planned for this all these years. I just want this thing put thru fast, as me and him really cannot be together already, and i have my life ahead with both my 5 years and 7 years old kids.

Tell u the truth is if u say i am not love him, i think my love for him still there, just there is no road in front of us and we cannot walk down together already. 10 years of relationship for me is very precious, but for him is a torture i think. i really do not know what to say...i thought marriage really is a most wonderful thing, and walking together till the end i knew is not easy, there will be a lot of anger, arguments, tears, misunderstanding, of coarse there will be laughter, joyful, happiness, etc. What i feel disappointed is he at the age of 39, he willing to let go this family, and start a new one, and telling me that he got no more feelings towards me already...

Just to let u know as u are watching us walking from the start and now...

Send my regards to your family..hope to catch up with u when your next trip back here.

Regards,

Ipeng

Mummy, Don’t Cry…Be Brave…

Three of us were getting used to be sleep at our queen size bed.

We were so tired that, after our Musikgarten class, we came back just went to sleep after I washed and hang all the cloths.

Eventually, today after I had fetched Issac after school, both of us had a some sort of arguments inside the car.

I was laying on the bed, Issac was sleeping besides me as usual, he told me, “Mummy, don’t cry…be brave ya…Mummy,”

I was looking at my lovely son, my heart was feeling warm and touched. He is such an understanding boy. He might guessed what was happening in the house, and always try his best to calm his sad Mummy.

Oh God, can you show it to his Daddy how he got both very understanding children?

I wish, he can see his children from my eyes, feels them as like what I feel. Both of them really do not deserve to go thru this…

Brother Reply…

Yesterday morning, before the children and I went out for our Teacher Grace Art Class, papa came and see how am I doing.

I told papa, “ It is really not easy to forget a person, because we had been together for almost 10 years. I still got the love for him, even he does not have it to me anymore.”

He encouraged me to divorce, since he is the one who asked for it. He told me, “ I will not see wrong people one, probably I will not have the chance to see it, you might see it, then only that time you tell me.”

“ You will only get a better life after you divorce with him, he would not give you the happiness you want or desire. Just be brave, walk out from your marriage and bring up your children together. Teach them to be a better person.”

「忘」比「記」難多了，
「記」是聰明;

「忘」是智慧，是修養。

                                   *****                     *****                 *****

This is Brother reply on his email…

Sent: Saturday, 7 April 2012 1:05 PM
Subject: Re: personel matters.

Hi Vin,

I have been reading over and over your second email from last night and I cannot help but try to understand the feelings of hatred in your heart and your dire need for vengeance on Ipeng for what she did to you.  I know we are all in no position to tell you what to do and what's best for you in your own life.  But as your brother I need to advise you this.  While you admit it's your own fault for having created the affair five years ago, as an outsider looking into the issue Ican say that I understand how Ipeng felt at the time when she found out, why she could leave you at your most difficult time and why she chose to ignore your pleas for her to forgive you.  Believe me I have been through that myself, brother although slightly different situation..but i know the feeling of being abandoned and stooping very, very low to ask for forgiveness over and over again..and the feeling of wanting to take revenge for the humiliation faced by you for having to bow down so very low begging for forgiveness.  Hence, I know how you must have felt and how you must feel now.

But Vin, for me over last year I looked and searched deep into myself.  I went through counseling sessions not because I wanted to save my marriage but because I wanted to understand who I really am and I sincerely wanted to cure myself, my ways of life and my misdeeds.  I have come to learn that calling myself a "bad person" is not going to help me at all because that means I am never going to  forgive myself.  I was advised by the Christian fellowship counselor that the first thing I must do is to learn to forgive myself.   Once I do that then I am to quickly learn ways to amend my ways and my outlook on life in general.  Not everyone around you have the time to understand you cos everyone have their own problems let alone share yours.  We all become selfish in this way, and that is indeed very sad but true.  However, I learned to be less selfish and not to always think of myself.  I began to put myself in other people's shoes, and try and think how they see things.  This is very difficult as sometimes you feel it's a waste of time, better just to concentrate on prioritizing yourself and not others.  But then you must realize you cannot build up your life on your own, but along the way you will need others to support you, guide you along.  And like it or not, believe me when I say your very own family is the main pillar of your success, Vin.  Without your family, you will always feel lonely and dejected.  Any friend, no matter how close they are to you or how special they make you feel cannot compare to the love and support that your wife and your children give you.  I may not know how Ipeng is treating you now or if she has been punishing you all these years for what you did.  But punishing each one another is certainly not a way to live, completely meaningless when you have to bear such hatred and carry such a heavy load on your shoulders every day.  Don't you think you will feel so much better if you could throw away all the unhappy thoughts and feelings of hatred, jealousy, vengeance & etc, etc., and just live life without such unproductive and unnecessary disturbances?? For me that is how I am facing life these days, taking it easy one day at a time.  I have begun to learn what it is to love my wife again, how to feel for her, how to see myself through her eyes, and how to forgive myself when she gets angry at me for no apparent reason.  Bro, believe me when I say a woman never forgets things especially unhappy events and they will turn super-defensive in order to protect their own rights and security (which is No.1 worry for any woman).  It is futile to think that a woman can think and behave like a man, same thing if you think a man can stand to have monthly menstrual period!  I tell you honestly if God made Man to suffer MP every month, there will be so many killings and murders in this world cos Man can never handle the mental and physical pains that a Woman goes every month!  So what I'm saying is we need to strike a balance in life.

Ipeng needs to forgive herself as well before she can forgive you.  Everyone needs forgiveness, but forgiving oneself is sometimes the most difficult and most misunderstood task in this life.  I advise you both to go for marriage counseling, and you Vin to go for religious counseling.  From the years of knowing you and your character, I implore that you must change your attitude towards life.  You must firstly learn to control your temper - Always remember, a person rules not by fear but through respect from others.  Then you need to learn how to listen to others.  Give people the time and space to voice their opinions no matter how stupid you may think they are.  Always remember, if everyone is as smart as you think you are, then you are already out of your job.  Do not cut off people mid-way as you would like others to also hear you out completely.  Respect everyone, and do onto others what you wish others to do in return.  One last thing and this is from my observation, you will need to control your spending.  Do not be overzealous, spend within your means.  Always have a clear distinction between what is termed as a "Need" and what is only a "Want".  Food on the table is a "Need" whereas a pair of Levis 501 jeans is only a "Want".

You asked me not to mention anything to anyone about what we discussed at Starbucks Midvalley and I've kept my promise, on the premise that you would change your mind after my simple advice.  I now regret it cos I should have discussed with our Sis on the matter, perhaps we could have jointly advised you against doing anything irrational.  You should not dissociate yourself from this family, we are always here for you no matter what.  You should also never abandon Ta-Koko, especially in this time when he needs you most by his side at work.  Ta-Koko has tried his level best to bring you up to where you are today, please do not forget Koko's good deeds and those who have helped you along the way..be grateful and not take people for granted.  Please do not threaten Koko to resign, that will only make things worse than they already are.  Be smart in your decisions, open your eyes and ears to the world, do not think you are always smart and able to take care of yourself.  If you think you are above all others, then you might as well call yourself "God" but you cannot.   Last but not least, go home and do not stay outside anymore.  Your children need you, not 20 or 30% of the time, but 100% always.  Ipeng will need you too..like I said before, you need to talk things out between the 2 of you.  Perhaps Ipeng is not willing to do the things you asked of her because she too is thinking of vengeance.  The 2 of you must stop this now!  Even if divorce is final, you need to clear whatever grudges and hatred between you two.  There is no worse fear than the uncertain feeling of what the other person may do to you out of hatred and vengeance, you do not want to live in worry and fear everyday! For the sake of the once love you both had for each other, we implore you two to please work things out.  Your children may be a burden now when they are small, but when they are grown up and become more independent you will miss them even more.  Do not think the whole world owes you and that everyone should change to understand you and accept you for who you are.  You need to make that first change in yourself and let he world accept you, Vin.

Ok Bro, I think I have gone on for too long already.  I have much more to say, but will stop here for now. I am not good at verbal communication as I am poor in Mandarin, but I do hope you can understand what I have written here today.  I do hope something somewhere will tough your heart..somehow.  Do not let your heart turn to stone, brother..you do not want to go on in this world all by yourself.  We are all here for you, but only if you will let us help you.  Mum is now even more saddened by your situation, please call and talk to her even if it is just to ask her how she is doing.  Remember Mum always, pray for her health.  She cannot take another heart wrenching event after the loss of Papa..she needs to know we are all ok so please do not disappoint her and always assure her that you guys are doing alright in life.

I most welcome your reply Vin, and hope I can somehow persuade you to stop your divorce from becoming a reality.  Talk things over, if you need to come home and we'll discuss it face-to-face.  We are here for you always. Meantime, please take good care of yourself..stay well always, brother..

Siaw-Koko

Taman Warisan Pertanian Putrajaya 15 Apr 2012

Taman Warisan Pertanian is located in the midst of the rapid development at Precinct 16, Putrajaya. It is part of the urban planning of Putrajaya, as a sanctuary for Malaysia’s agricultural legacy. It is some kind of an orchard with variety of seasonal and non-seasonal local fruits, rare fruits, commercial crops and also herbs and spices.

As this is the first time we went there. It is actually not difficult to look for as the clear signage along the Putrajaya road is clear.

As we enter the park, immediately can see the information counter and the park map just besides the stairs. There are a few fruits kiddy big masks there, Mummy just took some photos on both the babies.

Once we walked up the stairs, we can see a covered space called Agriculture Square or Medan Tani on top after the stairs, where they hold exhibitions, shows or markets from time to time.

Here too are gift shops, snack shop, mini store, a florist, clothing store and so on.

This opens out onto a food court area with a number of eating choices including a Live Kitchen (Penanggah), a sate stall, and various kuey teow, noodle, roti and other Malaysian-style fast food stalls.

From here take some more steps (wheelchair ramp is available) to the ticket booth selling entrance tickets to the main part of the park. the ramp designs is unique.

The weather is very hot by the time we arrived at the park, it is almost 11:30am, Mummy decided to took a buggy ride instead of walk up the hilly pathways. We shared the buggy with another Malay family.

The buggy ride began with passed by fruits species growing here including jackfruit, rambutan, sapodilla, jambu madu, cempedak, longan, durian, pomelo, mango, mangosteen, pulasan, dragon fruit, star fruit and guava.

Some of the trees have plastic bags wrapped around the fruits to deter pests (insect, animal and human!).

Other crops include citronella (an effective insect and snake repellent), pandanus, ylang ylang, lemon grass, sour garcinia and java tea (cat's whiskers). There is even a mini rice paddy field, complete with scarecrow.

There are commercial crops, such as oil palm and rubber trees.

In the rubber tree grove there are some mangles on display which are used to squeeze the raw latex into sheets of basic rubber material.

There is also a replica of a typical rubber tapper's home in this area.

The Malay House is rather interesting and unique, as both the children love the displays in the house, there are all the tools that a rubber taper would use; the products which rubber can be made off; and the lives of a rubber taper can be seen in the house.

We stopped quite a while at the house, and there is a Smoke House just besides the little working hut nest to it.

Then, our buggy rides on and we pass by the  Viewing Deck. The viewing deck can overseeing the whole park. But we do not stay there long.

Educational tours and demonstrations can be provided to groups of children and students if arranged in advance.

View Full Album

We ended our trip with having a drink at the Penanggah.

Mummy can sees Issac’s eyes that he miss his Daddy…

This is probably the first time that we had our outing without their Daddy… We have to get use to it after all… I hope someday in the future the children will understand.

Sister Reply…

This morning he came back early in the morning, before 6:00am just to take his things and a few clothing for his water Baptist tomorrow at Tropicana according to him.

And, today he will go to Genting Highlands with Heng, people invited him. I just said softly, “ You invited people? or people invite you? ” He just said, “ I  go with Heng,” Eventually, the truth is – he is going with his lover.

Then, he just went into the bedroom, kissed Issac and Annabelle, told them that he was going to work, then he left our home.

Really and true, pointless waiting for him every night and keep my hope there. There is no hope and I have to learn to let go.

Friend told me accidently that, he asked Heng to rent out a room for him and it is the master bedroom in Heng’s house. This is going to far, even though is friend also cannot takes people advantage like that. He did bring his lover back Heng’s house once and slept in the master bedroom, that is why he is asking Heng like that. Really shown that this man do not have any manners at all, doing things like that, even to the friends, taking advantage on people.

Friend asking me do not check on him already. Just ignore this man and deleted him from my life already, do not need to cross check where is he going? what is he doing? when is he come back? who is he with now? how is he doing now? All these doesn’t matter now. What matter is I have to doing well, and take care of my 2 children, then only worth it. I have to live better than.

                           *****                   *****                  *****

Below is Sis Agatha’s reply on his email yesterday. I am a bit upset on that, but all these does not matter now…because I do understand…blood is thicker than water…even now I am a mother myself…

Sent: Saturday, 7 April 2012 7:10 AM
Subject: Re: personel matters.

Vin,

I am sorry and saddened to hear your narration of the past 5 years of your life.  I am even more sad that you are living in a marriage full of hate and the thirst for revenge on someone whom u once thought could be your partner in life.

Well, while u and family are in Kuching both of u always gave us the impression that u guys are a happy-go-lucky family so when u suddenly drop the bomb to say the 'divorce' word, it was really shocking!!!  Like I said, we know u but how much do we know about Ipeng?  U know 妈 and I are always very careful where it comes to daughter-in-laws - i.e. we try very hard not to find faults in them becos that way it will cause u guys and your wives to quarrel.  I think 妈 & our late 爸 are the best parents-in-law in this world.  Their motto has always been "As long as they are happy, then it is ok with us".

Vin, I apologize for my strong tone of voice but again I want to emphasize we just want to find out what happened bcos it is so sudit den and not to condemn u.  Can u imagine how 妈 feels when she heard about it?  First, it is Ah Lek &  Anna and now it is u and ipeng.  Well, Ko's case is already history and Ying Ying is now all grown up.  I just hope whatever happened, u all have the courtesy to tell 妈 what happened cos u are all her sons and honestly when u guys never seek her advice in life, she felt that she is useless and no one trust and confides in her.

Vin, from your email, we can tell that ur mind has been made up long time ago.  We will not encourage u to go thru with it but neither can we stop u bcos this is something personal and only u yourself know what u want in life.  BUT to leave a marriage bcos of hate and vengeance is psychologically very damaging to yourself. Learn to let go lah Vin.  There is a famous saying "Forgive your enemy but never forget them", but then again, don't treat ipeng as ur enemy lah.  Perhaps as a woman and ur wife she is equally hurt by your betrayal (ur affair) and her present character is probably her way of revenge as well, who knows.  U want to punish her, she wants to punish u, .....  well, Vin, marraige is about committment, a lot of hard work, a lot of tears, anger and a lot of joy and laughter at the very end.

Vin, like I always tell u, don't talk in such a defensive manner, be it w your family including us and at the work site.  This causes tension and unease and at site, u offended people without realising it.

Talking to Ko does not mean u have to resign.  He is our 大 哥 and Ko being Ko is very concern about all of us.  If u find it difficult to start the topic, perhaps we can start for you and no, it doesn't mean we want Ko to stop u from your decision.  By talking out your problem with your family, perhaps u can find peace in your heart so that in future, IF and IF u find someone u think "suits u" as u put it, u will not unconciously transfer the bad experience from this marriage to your new life, otherwise u will be torturing yourself.

U know how close we all are as a family.  Anything just let us know and call for help early.  So how is the arrangement for the 2 kids if the 2 of u go your separate ways?  That is 妈's concern bcos children are innocent victims of divorce.  妈 said she doesn't dare to say much cos u didn't ask for her advice.

Anyway, Vin, I just want to let u know, that u think through properly with a calm mind and if that is your final decision, no one can stop u BUT u must make sure that u will NOT live in regrets.  妈 is very old already and 爸 has left.  If u guys have time, do call her and talk to her or if (financially) possible, come and visit her more often.

Well, Vin, U take K.  Don't shut us, your only immediate family, out.  See u on 爸's 100th day.

Regards,

姐

理解你的人不需要解釋，
不理解你的人，也不需你解釋，
真正懂你的人，絶不會因為那些有的、沒的而否定你。

Betrayal…

I feel so awful today, as last night I had found out that he had told his family members the truth but not the whole truth, but selectively to his sister and brother…I felt so sad, and all those things I did not do, and he claimed that he is clean but in actual fact he is not, and God is watching…Oh God, I feel my anger, disappointment, sad and still, I love him so much, that I do not want to hurt him at this stage, and yet he still doing things hurting me.

This is the first email he sent out…

FROM:

• Alvin Yu Shee Thai

TO:

• yu
• yu

Friday, 6 April 2012 3:30 PM

Wow.. after father matter resolve and in my planning I've did a difficult but a long time consideration decision.. u all may not be comfortable to read or knowing but I've no choice must inform and/or discuss with u all.. Andrew I'm unable to face him to talk about my personel things.. u all are more closer to me ya... (which i felt)...

Sis and Ko, for the past 4 years in fact me and Ipeng already having relationship problem.. remember 4 years back we did talk about separation but then Issac and Annabelle are too young for us to make any decision, but after all this year we had come to a conclusion of separation.. some mutual agreement terms and condition in fact we are still sorting out before meeting my Lawyer for final drafting of divorcing letter to court..

A lot of things i have to consider, Ko in fact last trip me and you at Starbuck Midvalley u had been advising me, ya i did reconsider but love is all about feeling between each others... doesn't mean after divorce will be enermy cause me & ipeng are mature enought to take it and we all agree can't force to be couple but friendship will still maintain and kids will not see us quarrel in front of them.. smashing or any worse action, I ve promise to give them still a lovely childhood.. these planning already have the clear picture of understanding between us...

Also i would like to clarify that at this juncture i don't have 3rd party girl friend interfering me & ipeng and caused the divorcy.. which this is true and swear to god.. wholly a stable situation decision.. pls. understand and don't expert further or speculate any unneccessary.. tq v v v v v much...

I ve drafted a reimbursement proposal for ipeng's final advise and consideration, which she in preliminary stage quiet agreeable but of course still have some Q&A need to sort out, well any unresolve I inform her to meet my Lawyer at his office together for mutual commitment....

I felt my 2 marriage, I really looks like a very naughty boy... hahahaha.. but who really know me.. I'm alone in KL for so many years I ve built my own character, my own thinking, which u all may not get it (maybe)...

Well, i ve been pushing and forcing myself to coordinate with ipeng over the past 4 years to accept her problem which i always advising her but that is her limit and what further more improvement to expect... and i can't be so selfish to further forcing her and later she will be suffering in future so therefore we decide not giving each other further unhappyness and pressure, we make this decision recently...

Ko, after this matter resolve (if everything smooth) it will take about 6 months.. and this IPD Sentul project getting completed, i really think of joining Taisei for oversea project, at my current knowledge and capability i confidently able to take the challenge and work liaise with better firm... and professional firm like Taisei.. of course at this pay of me with Usaha Waja now if not because helping Andrew i suppose to be a better pay rather than what i m right now...

I just down want to further waste my next 10 years (hey after this 10 years i will be 50 already), so i have to be serious in my career, i ve to be somebody after this and to success in my expected status in Construction Industry...

I write this to pre-notify both of u as my dearest sis & bro. cause i got no body to talk to.. I'll be back on dad 100th arrangement, after that we shall talk further ya..

Thankyou by spending time reading through my broken english essay hahaahhaha... thank you all v v v much...

Alvin.. little bro

                                                 *****                        *****                     *****

The second email which is more damaging on my side, and I totally feel heartbreaking and break into pieces…

FROM:

• Alvin Yu Shee Thai

TO:

• yu
• yu

Friday, 6 April 2012 9:43 PM

Sis and Ko, I know u all in Kuching very concern our problem... because of kids and responsibility then force have to be together.. haha not me loh, i seek for love feeling, between ipeng and me no more loh.. I did had and affair before that is way before 4 years back before Annabelle born.. that time wat ipeng did is carry Issac run off from home back to segamat day time without notifying me, that time i just started my business on structural steel (don know u all still remember) and I'm still a bankrupcy, so all company name and cheque signing under her.. and she only left RM2.5k with me for new year, all workers look at me for gaji and bonus and worse she informed the whole relative the problem... I have been passing through all this myself yayaya I deserve i know but that night i drive my old van all the way down to segamat for bagging forgiveness, surprisingly her father ask her to divorce and not letting me seeing her, I drive back to KL midnight again really don know wat to do, but i only can call and call till she pick up to persue her back home to resolve business issue than only talk forgiveness... of course after that every difficult moment pasted.

That to me is a nightmare, a nightmare caused me have a though of revenge... but i kept control myself not to think such way, after years past Annabelle born a 2nd child we had i lose the feeling with her and revenging though getting stronger.. till 4 years back i getting tired already facing her so i start proposing to divorce...

within this few years, I kept notifying her not to be very lazy, get up early, have some hobby, follow me for photoshooting, even a bit initiative to do house cleaning more often (of course i be the one all the while do cleaning at home until she felt malu only acting helping but my style till need me to voice everything too late)... just like in Kuching i don like my wife to sleep too late in the morning, so that can help mum or accompany mum or u to go market, but never did, can tell not even helping do house cleaning works in Kuching right.... i really tired to speak and remind again...

Talk about revenge again, I been clean without any affair for the past 5 years, clean totally clean so than i propose divorce, cause her father has no reason to look for gangster to talk to me like the past incident... so let them even get private investigator i also not worrying hahaha I just like her to taste as well when i really tired and forced me to choice divorce as punishing her,,,, i judge to be a fair and equal way to treat wat she given me that nightmare before...

Kids still love their daddy, cause these years i more closer than their mother to them.. even if i m not around outstation for week, they will even more miss me... cause i able to make them happy... childhood i will really make sure they will be very enjoy and happy.... ask mum don worry to her grandson and draught...

siew foong, Jo.. those are past I m still looking for someone can really suit me and understand me... they all not qualified, my mistake though ipeng can but too tired for me to look into her cause she can't... 4 years already not a fast and over react decision... I know wat i m doing... maybe my writting above very mass, but this is whole issue... I may be a devil I not a good man for ... Sis u are right with you strong torn tq by understand me cause u will only blaming me rather to discuss cause 1st few sentense I already wrong Siew Foong, Jo now Ipeng hahaha so wat so wat lah.... love is all about feeling, when the feeling gone that is, kids nds love i know why i do not know but after divorce i will still care them and that is sufficient already.. chow i will discommunicate with u all and i will even not discuss with Andrew if u all think asking him to talk to me i won't, worse resign loh....

I had been crying and calling Aunt Jasmine about this, and she just asked me to let go, because all these emails and whatever he said doesn’t matter anymore. I have to learn to put it down already. As I got children to take care and no more 10 years to waste…

記住該記住的，忘記該忘記掉的；
改變能改變的，接受不能改變的。
有些事我們無法控制，只能控制自己；
有些人我們無法改變，只能改變自己！

Annabelle & Daddy’s Scientist

This is ‘the doll’ which Daddy brought back to home the other day. It was I think a doll which his new girl friend bought for him or he bought it together with his new girl friend.

Annabelle loves the doll so much because it is cute! I personally do not like it may be because of my perception on it. She asked me to take a photo of her together with the Scientist. I took 3 photos of her.

Everything which would make my kids happy, make me happy as well!

Suffering…

Today I had been almost half a day busy with the site marking and met up with Yeap and Andy at Bangsar South regards to the site marking, the problems arises and the solutions for each floor of that.

Almost 2:30pm I am back to the office, I tried my best to concentrate back to my works, but the ‘divorce’ things just hang in my mind, my brain and everything. When I think back, I cannot controlled my tears from my eyes. And, at the same time, I have to work out the alimony to reply him back. It is really hard time, and at the same time I have to negotiate with him.

Jess did see that, and ask me just let go of it. Now, two children are everything to me now. And, I have to take care of them and concentrate my energy and focus on them instead. He is changing already. I told her, I really do not know how long will I need to overcome this ‘transition’ period.

I left the office around 4:30pm, then I received a friend called. He told me that, he did consult his pastor in the church on my case. His pastor gave him the advice, asking me to tell the girl that I am his wife, and confront him.

Because in the Christianity, marriage is a very is lifelong commitment to one's spouse, and nothing else. Even so, if the pastor come to know about it, he would not manage for their marriage either.

I replied to him that: what can I do now? If I am confront him now to the girl, it will make the situation worst only, as they are now so deeply in love.Two of them would be suffered, and at the same time, my relationship with him is just like a cracked mirror that cannot be repaired.

Divorce is the only way which both of us walk out from the marriage. He had the hatred towards me, even I still love him. But he treats me like his enemy. There is really no more future ahead us…

I do not know when I will forgive him totally, but at least I have to start doing it now, just let him go, so that I can move on, together with two children.

It is true that I am suffering now..but I know without suffering, I cannot grow. I am trying not to run away from my sufferings now, instead I want to embrace it and cherish it...Look deeply in my mind and heart, I hope with the understanding and compassion I have, I will be able to heal the wounds in my heart, and I'll let 'him' go someday..for sure, he will be living inside my heart there for the good things he had done in my life...

A Public Holiday

Today supposed to be a public holiday, and I was planning to bring the kids to Taman Warisan Pertanian at Putrajaya. Early in the morning, there was a little bit raining and the sky was so moody, in the end, I had cancelled the plan. Instead, we are playing and stayed at home.

In the morning, I managed to wash and do the ironing for the clothing. Both Issac and Annabelle just really wanted to go out and play.

After their afternoon nap, I just bring them go to the USJ19 Digital Mall for our dinner time had some bites. Issac had his egg tart and Annabelle and I were sharing some chicken porridge with salted and century eggs.

We just walked about at the mall and spent time about an hour like that, then we were back home. I was driving the car wondering around before reached home. Both were well behaved.

Their Daddy were at Pulau Ketam today with his beloved. I accidently saw the booking bank-in slip to the hotel on Sunday itself. He was checking in yesterday afternoon. Friend told me, he left the job site around 12:00 noon, and said need to go to Issac’s school to see him. My God, he was using his son as an excuse for his own love escape sack.

Last year, we did go there as one of our weekend breakaway trip. Due to the children were tired, I was accompanied Annabelle in the room all the time. In the evening time, Issac and him went to explore the island. I did feel like he was not happy at all, because something like bringing us for outing is a burden, and he cannot able to enjoy the trip itself, but instead had to help take care of the children and his clumsy wife – me.

Well, now he is enjoying his new love life now…And, I have to put thru it, too.

The Tele-Conversation

He called me during I was doing the site marking at Bangsar South Horizon Tower 1.  He mentioned to me that, he was at the Immigration department to do his international passport, because Brother Andrew said his boss Raymond asked him to go to China for a short trip, and he is waiting for his turn. Later on, he will have to do the Visa at China Embassy as well within this week.

He told me that, Brother Andrew had knew about it and asked him for a discussion on our divorce matters. He told me that, Brother Andrew advised him, if can please do not talk or even divorce just for the children sack. Then, he said, “I do not know, love is talking about the feelings, I do not have, and I no longer have the feelings on you anymore.”

I just told him, “ Marriage is not about love only, there is another piece and pieces which will puzzled it up. ‘Bai Tou Xia Lau’, it looks only four Chinese character words, but it contains much more and a lot meanings in it. Our marriage is not a smooth one, but why can’t we just walk along together?”

“I do not know…I just do not have that kind of feelings to you any more. If we unable to become a couple, but we still can be friends. And, I still will take care of you and the children.”

“Just in case, in future you have found someone else, please you do appreciate her. Because, you know and I know, averagely your love is between 4 years and the most is 5 years.”

“Where got? You and I is almost 7 years already,”

“I mean, your previous relationship with the Thai girlfriend, and myself is almost the same period, am I right? We got to know each other for 3 years, then we married, just before Annabelle was born, you had an affair already. And now, Annabelle almost 4 1/2 years old already. You just ended last year.”

He just keep quite. Then, mentioned that our divorce is nothing to do with another woman. I told him, “I know what are you doing now, and only God know what are you doing,” He kept emphasized that he do not know what am I saying. Because if like that, then he do not have the ground to divorce with me.

Then, whenever I talked to him, his voice is getting higher and higher, and so was I. Just to avoid any argument in shouting and yelling, I stopped the conversation and said I had to go for the meeting. And, I will get back to him on the alimony proposal by Wednesday, and it is a Public Holiday.

He is so stunned and firmed and no turning back. He had found his true love I guessed…

Getting to Know Mindfulness…

This morning, I brought the children go to Aunt Jasmine’s house. Both were so happy as they went there long time ago, and there are koi pond, a goose, rabbits, a poodle dog, and a lot of space for them to run around. Her Cambodian maid was looking after them, then I just follow Aunt Jasmine and Ed Mun to their Joyfully Together Center.

It was at one of a shop lot nearby, occupy ground and 1st floor. It was plain and simple in design. I wrote my name at the guest book before entered to the 1st floor.

Some of their Sangha members were already there. We were sitting in a circle, there are 2 types of books in front of us, one is the practice book and the other one, which I borrowed back is “The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching” by Thich Nhat Hanh.

After some singing of the mindfulness song, we walked to downstairs, took a typical cone shape straw hat and a stick each. We walked towards the field opposite the shop lot, Sister Amy briefed me about what is “Walking Meditation”, then she leaded us. Probably this is the first time I “walked”, I am the slowest among all.

Then, we practice the stick exercise. And, we walked back to the center. The sharing session, basically is reading the designated book, and the members shared some ideas and their thoughts on how are they practice the mindfulness and it change or how to improve them. The session ended with the light snacks around 12:00 noon which prepared by all the members.

There is afternoon session with the relaxation or meditation, but I asked Aunt Jasmine to send me back first, because I am just too worry for the 2 children in the house, and their Daddy is coming back from the Church to take them out.

We reached home around 2:30pm, and when we wanted to go out time is around 3:30pm, I just asked him, “You said you got appointment at 5:00pm at KL? Can you manage to go out now or not?” He just looked at his watch, and said to Issac, “Issac, Daddy got things to do and appointment need to go, Daddy will bring you go next time ya,” Issac just nodded his head and walked in to the living room. He did not speak, but I knew he was sad.

We had our pasar malam bought dinner as usual without him. The children slept early as they had playing the whole morning till afternoon.

I prayed to the GOD, even I am not a baptized Christian, hope YOU can looking over my 2 children. I am not doing bad things or sins but I believe that, YOU will equally love your sons and daughters regardless that they had been baptized or not, because this is what LOVE is… and YOU would not let them suffer just like I do now.

My Subconscious Mind Tell Me…

I woke up around 7:15am. It is considered a bit late if compare to our usual Saturday. Normally, Saturday we got 2 art classes, one is 8:00am at school art class for Issac and the other one is 11:30am for both Issac and Annabelle at SS18 Subang Jaya.

It was an awful dream I had, and it feels so real. He and I were discussing on the terms and conditions on the divorce. I was so angry and arguing, so was him. We were talking about the insurance and other matters too. Till, I was so angry and told him that I knew who is the girl…Then, we were pushing each other and fighting…The background was so dark and in a reddish orange like colour. Then, I was awake.

I feel so awful and sad. They said dreams is the images or reflect what is in your subconscious mind. This mean, down deep in my mind or heart, I still got the hatefulness within me towards him. I thought all these days, almost 2 weeks that I keep on holding on strong, and trying to ask myself to forgive, I would be going through all these matters…

True enough, to forgive really is the most and hardest thing to do. I thought I am able to, but if I am think back now, if I truly let go already, I would not be able to keep on writing and writing here, day by day, none stop just to jot down my feelings…

My hatefulness still there, deep inside me…I acknowledged that and please, God give me the strength and wisdom to forgive and let go the burden within…

Their Blog…

Their blog http://lovinic.blogspot.com… I do not know how and why, or there is really someone up there, do not want me to suffer so much, or I am the one who is so naively believe that I still have the hope.

I managed to break into their blog again, and I see the continuation of their love stories which, extended from the emails.

The purpose of their blog is to keep their stories so, next time they can pass it on to their children.

I am a bit disturb when I saw that, which in fact I shouldn’t read it at the very first place, but I read it.

Truly, it is really breaking my heart into pieces.

How about the two lovely children we have?

There is times, when I think back, they lost their father, just because Mummy during that critical time, I was immature enough to handle matters like that.

This is the Karma…

I have to acknowledge it and accept it.

Friends keep telling me, I should not look backwards but I have to move on and focus on the road in front of me.

Whatever he had done, is history, and do not put in inside my heart. For those, will only pulling me down.

Do not keep the anger, pain, sorrow within…

Just look ahead.

人生的漫長旅途中，

總有那麼一段時間，

需要你自己走，自己扛。

不要感覺害怕，不要感覺孤單，

這只不過是成長的些許代價。

A Fortune Teller Told Me…

Today I went down to Kuala Lumpur Jalan Ipoh just to pick up some paper offerings and a gold coin. The shop actually near his work site, IPD Sentul.

I went there last week. It is a small place which is shared between an old fashion hair saloon at an old shop lot along Jalan Ipoh at first floor. The interior still at its 70’s.

She is an old lady, everyone used to call her Ying Gu or Sister Ying. The first time I met her was 10 years ago.

It was the time before I met him. She told me that, I will meet someone who love me very much. That is why I was so being in love with him during when I met him, and I believe he is my true love.

My love for him is never decrease, but a bit by bit increase everyday. Till now, he had found some one new, I guessed in my heart, he is still living inside there. I can see only his good, and compromise his weakness…Love is just as simple as this, right?

She still told me the same things as she told me last year. He and she is love at first sight. He and she is actually a good pair of couple, if follow the Chinese Zodiac, as he is a Cow and she is a Rat. It is actually a perfect match. Both also are very hardworking people.

According to her, eventually, he will come back to where home is. My two children are my guardians. She asked me to  be patience and waits.

In reality, it seems like he is the one who does not want this family, but he would rather start a new one. If he really found someone and it is God’s Will then probably it is his faith, that she really can change him. Let it be…

At night, I just burnt some paper offerings beside the house, even though I do not really believe it will works, but no harm right?

Looking at the children, sometimes my tears will drop down without my control…