Brother Reply…

Yesterday morning, before the children and I went out for our Teacher Grace Art Class, papa came and see how am I doing.

I told papa, “ It is really not easy to forget a person, because we had been together for almost 10 years. I still got the love for him, even he does not have it to me anymore.”

He encouraged me to divorce, since he is the one who asked for it. He told me, “ I will not see wrong people one, probably I will not have the chance to see it, you might see it, then only that time you tell me.”

“ You will only get a better life after you divorce with him, he would not give you the happiness you want or desire. Just be brave, walk out from your marriage and bring up your children together. Teach them to be a better person.”

「忘」比「記」難多了，
「記」是聰明;

「忘」是智慧，是修養。

                                   *****                     *****                 *****

This is Brother reply on his email…

Sent: Saturday, 7 April 2012 1:05 PM
Subject: Re: personel matters.

Hi Vin,

I have been reading over and over your second email from last night and I cannot help but try to understand the feelings of hatred in your heart and your dire need for vengeance on Ipeng for what she did to you.  I know we are all in no position to tell you what to do and what's best for you in your own life.  But as your brother I need to advise you this.  While you admit it's your own fault for having created the affair five years ago, as an outsider looking into the issue Ican say that I understand how Ipeng felt at the time when she found out, why she could leave you at your most difficult time and why she chose to ignore your pleas for her to forgive you.  Believe me I have been through that myself, brother although slightly different situation..but i know the feeling of being abandoned and stooping very, very low to ask for forgiveness over and over again..and the feeling of wanting to take revenge for the humiliation faced by you for having to bow down so very low begging for forgiveness.  Hence, I know how you must have felt and how you must feel now.

But Vin, for me over last year I looked and searched deep into myself.  I went through counseling sessions not because I wanted to save my marriage but because I wanted to understand who I really am and I sincerely wanted to cure myself, my ways of life and my misdeeds.  I have come to learn that calling myself a "bad person" is not going to help me at all because that means I am never going to  forgive myself.  I was advised by the Christian fellowship counselor that the first thing I must do is to learn to forgive myself.   Once I do that then I am to quickly learn ways to amend my ways and my outlook on life in general.  Not everyone around you have the time to understand you cos everyone have their own problems let alone share yours.  We all become selfish in this way, and that is indeed very sad but true.  However, I learned to be less selfish and not to always think of myself.  I began to put myself in other people's shoes, and try and think how they see things.  This is very difficult as sometimes you feel it's a waste of time, better just to concentrate on prioritizing yourself and not others.  But then you must realize you cannot build up your life on your own, but along the way you will need others to support you, guide you along.  And like it or not, believe me when I say your very own family is the main pillar of your success, Vin.  Without your family, you will always feel lonely and dejected.  Any friend, no matter how close they are to you or how special they make you feel cannot compare to the love and support that your wife and your children give you.  I may not know how Ipeng is treating you now or if she has been punishing you all these years for what you did.  But punishing each one another is certainly not a way to live, completely meaningless when you have to bear such hatred and carry such a heavy load on your shoulders every day.  Don't you think you will feel so much better if you could throw away all the unhappy thoughts and feelings of hatred, jealousy, vengeance & etc, etc., and just live life without such unproductive and unnecessary disturbances?? For me that is how I am facing life these days, taking it easy one day at a time.  I have begun to learn what it is to love my wife again, how to feel for her, how to see myself through her eyes, and how to forgive myself when she gets angry at me for no apparent reason.  Bro, believe me when I say a woman never forgets things especially unhappy events and they will turn super-defensive in order to protect their own rights and security (which is No.1 worry for any woman).  It is futile to think that a woman can think and behave like a man, same thing if you think a man can stand to have monthly menstrual period!  I tell you honestly if God made Man to suffer MP every month, there will be so many killings and murders in this world cos Man can never handle the mental and physical pains that a Woman goes every month!  So what I'm saying is we need to strike a balance in life.

Ipeng needs to forgive herself as well before she can forgive you.  Everyone needs forgiveness, but forgiving oneself is sometimes the most difficult and most misunderstood task in this life.  I advise you both to go for marriage counseling, and you Vin to go for religious counseling.  From the years of knowing you and your character, I implore that you must change your attitude towards life.  You must firstly learn to control your temper - Always remember, a person rules not by fear but through respect from others.  Then you need to learn how to listen to others.  Give people the time and space to voice their opinions no matter how stupid you may think they are.  Always remember, if everyone is as smart as you think you are, then you are already out of your job.  Do not cut off people mid-way as you would like others to also hear you out completely.  Respect everyone, and do onto others what you wish others to do in return.  One last thing and this is from my observation, you will need to control your spending.  Do not be overzealous, spend within your means.  Always have a clear distinction between what is termed as a "Need" and what is only a "Want".  Food on the table is a "Need" whereas a pair of Levis 501 jeans is only a "Want".

You asked me not to mention anything to anyone about what we discussed at Starbucks Midvalley and I've kept my promise, on the premise that you would change your mind after my simple advice.  I now regret it cos I should have discussed with our Sis on the matter, perhaps we could have jointly advised you against doing anything irrational.  You should not dissociate yourself from this family, we are always here for you no matter what.  You should also never abandon Ta-Koko, especially in this time when he needs you most by his side at work.  Ta-Koko has tried his level best to bring you up to where you are today, please do not forget Koko's good deeds and those who have helped you along the way..be grateful and not take people for granted.  Please do not threaten Koko to resign, that will only make things worse than they already are.  Be smart in your decisions, open your eyes and ears to the world, do not think you are always smart and able to take care of yourself.  If you think you are above all others, then you might as well call yourself "God" but you cannot.   Last but not least, go home and do not stay outside anymore.  Your children need you, not 20 or 30% of the time, but 100% always.  Ipeng will need you too..like I said before, you need to talk things out between the 2 of you.  Perhaps Ipeng is not willing to do the things you asked of her because she too is thinking of vengeance.  The 2 of you must stop this now!  Even if divorce is final, you need to clear whatever grudges and hatred between you two.  There is no worse fear than the uncertain feeling of what the other person may do to you out of hatred and vengeance, you do not want to live in worry and fear everyday! For the sake of the once love you both had for each other, we implore you two to please work things out.  Your children may be a burden now when they are small, but when they are grown up and become more independent you will miss them even more.  Do not think the whole world owes you and that everyone should change to understand you and accept you for who you are.  You need to make that first change in yourself and let he world accept you, Vin.

Ok Bro, I think I have gone on for too long already.  I have much more to say, but will stop here for now. I am not good at verbal communication as I am poor in Mandarin, but I do hope you can understand what I have written here today.  I do hope something somewhere will tough your heart..somehow.  Do not let your heart turn to stone, brother..you do not want to go on in this world all by yourself.  We are all here for you, but only if you will let us help you.  Mum is now even more saddened by your situation, please call and talk to her even if it is just to ask her how she is doing.  Remember Mum always, pray for her health.  She cannot take another heart wrenching event after the loss of Papa..she needs to know we are all ok so please do not disappoint her and always assure her that you guys are doing alright in life.

I most welcome your reply Vin, and hope I can somehow persuade you to stop your divorce from becoming a reality.  Talk things over, if you need to come home and we'll discuss it face-to-face.  We are here for you always. Meantime, please take good care of yourself..stay well always, brother..

Siaw-Koko