Church Membership

This afternoon we received a WhatsApp message in our family group chat. It is a message from him.

Dear Koko and Mei Mei, I have things to tell u all.  This Thursday church will have a membership interview with me at 830pm.  Daddy admits I am not a person who follows thy commandments I may choose to release as a church member and retrieve my temple recommend.  Let me find out where am I and what to choose ya.  The following advice like to highlight for the coming event:

1) Koko end May 24 we will still be in Bangkok temple but I won’t be witness you in the temple ya cause I cannot enter.   But no matter how I will be with u all in Bangkok.

2) Koko you are a Melchizedek priesthood already, and a well grown up gentleman.  Daddy is proud of you and Mei Mei for self-learning and being so obedient children.

3) This is always my family which I will be taking care of ya.

Don’t worry about me.  I have very strong faith in the Father in Heaven, he still and the Holy Ghost always guide me on every path I go.  I still pray and listen to thy message.

I love you all ya.❤️

I can feel my heart aching when I read his message. I feel disappointed and sad as he is considering to give up his church membership. I have treasured my church membership so much that it is the most precious account that I could have in the world. I do not understand why he can treat it so lightly. I feel pain and broken again. It is the feeling that I felt once a long time ago, now after 12 years I feel it again.

I try my best not to judge but why does he still think that the Holy Ghost is with him? “the Spirit of the Lord doth not dwell in unholy temples” (Helaman 4:24). Even though we have received the gift of the Holy Ghost, the Spirit will dwell with us only when we keep the commandments. He will withdraw if we offend Him by profanity, uncleanliness, disobedience, rebellion, or other sins. This is not the path that Heavenly Father asked him to walk. Instead, Alvin using his agency to choose his own path now.

I hope my instinct is wrong. I feel as if he is considering or maybe wanting to convert the woman to Christian as she is an Indonesian Muslim. Or either he would consider to change religion? I do not know, but I do know that since long ago, whenever he fell in love with someone, he would be madly madly in love and would do things like this. I am not sure but this is not the first time he being through this. It happened before during our divorce. I feel heartache or rather heartbreak again…

My heartbreak is merciless grief that comes in waves, depriving me of both appetite and sleep. It is a shard that never goes away from my stomach, though maybe the edges will get softer with time. In quiet moments, it short circuits my head and chokes my breath, feeling as real as death and bereavement. What was once whole is shattered; where once was peace is emptiness, echoes of love I put my everything into.

Those feelings appeared again… I feel as if Alvin and I are not made for each other because this is the second chance we have and still we end up like this. Both of us could not compliment or complete each other, instead, we became the worst version of ourselves which is not the best couple and friends for each other. End up he could not keep or uphold his covenants and become better.

I told Annabelle and Issac that I must be madly in love with their dad during the premortal life, that I must keep on begging and convincing Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that Alvin and I must be together when we come to earth. That is the reason why we are here we are now. Both their dad and mummy got so many opportunities to fix and repair but still in vain.

My heart was overflowing with gratefulness for the gospel and the abundance of spiritual gifts that had arrived to support, guide, and assist me, especially my two little angels who lift me every time. I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me and my family, and I know my Redeemer lives!

Guiding Light by Annie Henrie Nader. Image via AltusFineArt.com

Lead kindly light, amid th’encircling gloom. Lead thou me on! The night is dark, and I am far from home; Lead thou me on! Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see The distant scene – one step enough for me. ~ Lead, Kindly Light; Hymn 97