Our family went to church last Sunday. The Puchong chapel has opened to the members after being closed since last April due to Covid-19. I met with President Augustine regards to my calling before the sacrament meeting started.
Ever since that 'huge happening' in my job or work last month, I was so helpless with so many things around me. I texted President Augustine and asked if I could request a release of my calling as Relief Society President. I texted him that I had been through some challenges in my job, which knocked me down. I feel I could not serve the sisters in the branch. I feel that my burden is heavy. I know I should not think like that, but I feel overwhelmed with my work, study, family, and calling. I am like losing focus.
I frankly told him that I would have big trouble with my job because of my mistakes in calculating materials for the project that needed to be handed over soon. I let him know that I am currently studying PathwayConnect. And, I am still trying my best to juggle all those things and my relationship with Alvin. I feel I can not cope. I know that I have been blessing a lot by the Lord. I know that I need to do the calling, but I cannot do it and move forward. And I know that the sisters in the branch need ministering, and they deserved a better and more dedicated sister to serve them. I feel so sorry that I was disappointed with the calling that was given to me.
I talked to the President about my concerns and updated him about my job matters, my study, and things during MCO for the past few months. Finally, he told me that he had been inspired to call another sister in the branch for this calling. He thanked me for the service that I had rendered during my calling. It is about two years and nine months. I felt relieved for that instance.
I still feel a little guilty that I gave up serving in my calling, and my faith is not strong enough. And, I think I did not act in a manner consistent with the specific Christlike attribute that I chose, which is humility or humble. A question that follows that asked us to ponder: What might you have done differently?
This question brings my memory back to a few months back, during the first semester of PathwayConnect. There was a lesson about thinking errors. "Thinking errors are failures in judgment caused by stress, and they are incorrect ways of looking at the world. Because of your distorted view, you tend to act in ways that don't resolve the stress but instead make it worse or add new stress."
It was a struggling lesson for me when I realized that I have a weakness like this, and it occurred whenever I thought about my calling. I feel powerlessness in the academic definition. "Powerlessness" means you can't do this, and you can't do that. And you can't even try.
I know I should not have this thinking, but I can't help it. My mind would automatically shut off and blank whenever I thought of my calling as Relief Society President, and I felt overwhelmed. I am so afraid that I can't do it because there are so many sisters in the Relief Society, and so many of them are membership longer than me, and I couldn't take care of so many sisters in the branch. I realized that this had been 'haunting' me for almost two years nine months now. I could still handle it initially, but I felt I had gotten worse for the past few months.
Briefly, I was surprised and upset that this powerless thinking error of how it interrupted me so much. I did find out the when and how I addressed this weakness for that instance, and I guess I have found out and written down how I could overcome it. The problem is that I do not do it or act on it, and that is my negligence and idleness. I did not reach out to Heavenly Father. I know that I need to pray to Heavenly Father to seek His help for changing my heart.
I know I need to plan to guide myself towards little potential accomplishments that I know I have the best chances of favorable results in and have the courage to act on it. It can be started by just a call to one sister a week, talking to the sister for five minutes. Not like the earlier planned 30 minutes for every day. So by doing that, I can reduce the powerlessness thinking whenever I think of my calling and the burden I felt.
Living the gospel and service to the Lord is a joyful experience, but I think the opposite way if I continue to have such thinking errors. And those are the things that I did not do. I am not being humble enough to ask or plead for His help in doing my calling. Instead of being supposed to serve, I just let go and neglected the calling extended to me because of my weaknesses. I do not do much about it.
I felt glad after hearing the name of the sister that will be called after me. She is such a spiritual and dedicated sister, and I know the Lord indeed calls her.
Even though I still feel a bit of emptiness inside me, but I know that this release is for the betterment of the sisters in the branch, give me more time to strive to be a better spouse, parent, daughter, friend, or neighbor, and a more devoted ministering sister.
I hope I do learn something out of this that – Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are always there for me to call upon Them… if I just learn how to be humble enough to ask…
The Gospel Media credit to https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org.
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