My Subconscious Mind Tell Me…

I woke up around 7:15am. It is considered a bit late if compare to our usual Saturday. Normally, Saturday we got 2 art classes, one is 8:00am at school art class for Issac and the other one is 11:30am for both Issac and Annabelle at SS18 Subang Jaya.

It was an awful dream I had, and it feels so real. He and I were discussing on the terms and conditions on the divorce. I was so angry and arguing, so was him. We were talking about the insurance and other matters too. Till, I was so angry and told him that I knew who is the girl…Then, we were pushing each other and fighting…The background was so dark and in a reddish orange like colour. Then, I was awake.

I feel so awful and sad. They said dreams is the images or reflect what is in your subconscious mind. This mean, down deep in my mind or heart, I still got the hatefulness within me towards him. I thought all these days, almost 2 weeks that I keep on holding on strong, and trying to ask myself to forgive, I would be going through all these matters…

True enough, to forgive really is the most and hardest thing to do. I thought I am able to, but if I am think back now, if I truly let go already, I would not be able to keep on writing and writing here, day by day, none stop just to jot down my feelings…

My hatefulness still there, deep inside me…I acknowledged that and please, God give me the strength and wisdom to forgive and let go the burden within…

Their Blog…

Their blog http://lovinic.blogspot.com… I do not know how and why, or there is really someone up there, do not want me to suffer so much, or I am the one who is so naively believe that I still have the hope.

I managed to break into their blog again, and I see the continuation of their love stories which, extended from the emails.

The purpose of their blog is to keep their stories so, next time they can pass it on to their children.

I am a bit disturb when I saw that, which in fact I shouldn’t read it at the very first place, but I read it.

Truly, it is really breaking my heart into pieces.

How about the two lovely children we have?

There is times, when I think back, they lost their father, just because Mummy during that critical time, I was immature enough to handle matters like that.

This is the Karma…

I have to acknowledge it and accept it.

Friends keep telling me, I should not look backwards but I have to move on and focus on the road in front of me.

Whatever he had done, is history, and do not put in inside my heart. For those, will only pulling me down.

Do not keep the anger, pain, sorrow within…

Just look ahead.

人生的漫長旅途中，

總有那麼一段時間，

需要你自己走，自己扛。

不要感覺害怕，不要感覺孤單，

這只不過是成長的些許代價。

A Fortune Teller Told Me…

Today I went down to Kuala Lumpur Jalan Ipoh just to pick up some paper offerings and a gold coin. The shop actually near his work site, IPD Sentul.

I went there last week. It is a small place which is shared between an old fashion hair saloon at an old shop lot along Jalan Ipoh at first floor. The interior still at its 70’s.

She is an old lady, everyone used to call her Ying Gu or Sister Ying. The first time I met her was 10 years ago.

It was the time before I met him. She told me that, I will meet someone who love me very much. That is why I was so being in love with him during when I met him, and I believe he is my true love.

My love for him is never decrease, but a bit by bit increase everyday. Till now, he had found some one new, I guessed in my heart, he is still living inside there. I can see only his good, and compromise his weakness…Love is just as simple as this, right?

She still told me the same things as she told me last year. He and she is love at first sight. He and she is actually a good pair of couple, if follow the Chinese Zodiac, as he is a Cow and she is a Rat. It is actually a perfect match. Both also are very hardworking people.

According to her, eventually, he will come back to where home is. My two children are my guardians. She asked me to  be patience and waits.

In reality, it seems like he is the one who does not want this family, but he would rather start a new one. If he really found someone and it is God’s Will then probably it is his faith, that she really can change him. Let it be…

At night, I just burnt some paper offerings beside the house, even though I do not really believe it will works, but no harm right?

Looking at the children, sometimes my tears will drop down without my control…

Ch'ing Ming…

Today is actual day of Ch'ing Ming Festival.

I went to Esiang’s house after fetched 2 kids to the kindergarten and Teacher Joyce’s house.

Ika had prepared and cooked all the offerings for Mum and Grandma already, i.e.. mushroom chickens, fried vegetable with garlic, old cucumber soup, brown rice, fried brinjal with minced chicken, of coarse and the flowers and fruits too.

It had been 12 years since she left us. I had not visited her ever since I pregnant Issac until now. More than 7 years I guessed. What a shame, not coming to see her ever since I married, and now my marriage got problems and my husband is seeking for a divorce.

We arrived there almost 11:30am. Richie and Exuan met us there. We had a good chat there, among our cousins. Time flies, we are all almost between age 30 – 40 already.

The place never change, still the same, just beside it there is another pagoda and in front of it build another block for the Christian or Catholic. Still not much trees and ponds, still the same under the sun very hot.

At the Tua Pek Kong Temple, I thought I saw Chuan Boon. But, after that, I did not see him, probably is someone else I guessed.

I am telling Mum about my failed marriage and hopefully she can looks after my two lovely kids and blessed for my path ahead…It is true, one will never know how a Mum would feel unless you become one yourself some day.

A Tearful Tuesday…

Another day of tears…

After days of days of calmness and self-hypnotize, my feelings just like riding the roller-coater in the fun fair or theme park.

In the morning I can be very high energetic and calm, but in the afternoon or evening, my mood can just like from the peak of the mountain and drop to the deep valley down, crying and crying non-stop.

Finally, he told me that he visited the lawyer already. Why he keep telling the lies to me? He no longer have feelings towards me? There is another woman in his heart.

And, last Sunday, he is not going to Malacca but to Port Dickson Avillion Resort. That is exactly the same resort I believed he went 5 1/2 years ago with his Thai girl friend.

All these while, I was so amazed with this resort, because I knew it is a beautiful resort long long time ago, everything my dreams and imaginations about this resort had been torn apart in front of me when Cherng told me he stayed there together with May Key, and now he had been there with two different women.

I got the kind of feelings is I would not get whatever I want in my love life. It had been proven before and now. I feel really tired. Why all the true feelings I put in will turn out like that?

Divorce…

I went to Jess’s office to print out the emails and kept in a folder. Later, I drove down to Kota Kemuning and kept the folder in Aunt Jasmine’s house. Just in case, in the future one day I might need it.

She advised me I might think of getting myself a full time job instead, by looking at the situation like that. Because I need to work for a living. All these days really not easy for me…

I drove back home around 3:30pm. He called around 4:00pm.

“I had seek a lawyer today and asked some advice on the divorce. Out of my salary amounting RM7,500, after deducted EPF, Socso and Income Tax, remain only RM5,500, from there I proposed RM2,500 to give every month to settle all the personal loan, housing loan and the children daycare fees and etc.”

“This thing you have to call, and inform your father and your relatives about this. He can call whoever that want to beat me or whatever. Till now, I still cannot forget last time what he had told me and scolded me. And, now I am clean.”

At first, I am was calm and not so angry, until he brought up the last time things and started to scold my dad and my families.

“ Alvin Yu, what ever you said is it whatever you did, only God knows.”

He replied, “I do not know what you mean. But, if you do not agree, I can also file in separately to the court, within 3 months you do not replied and find a lawyer to do it, it is considered deemed you have accepted the proposal already. And, RM2,500 only I am able to give to you, because I still need to look for my place to stay, etc.”

I just tell him let me think about it for this week and next, then I will replied to him. He asked me to do it quick as this month on the 23rd April he is flying back to Kuching for Papa’s 100 day ceremony, and he is going to inform the families after that.

In my heart, I really would not know what he is going to tell them, because he is going back alone…Or does it matter now?

Thinking of all the emails and letters he wrote to another woman, it is not matter now…I prayed give me the wisdom and courage to walk down the road ahead of me…

Perdana Botanical Garden Kuala Lumpur 1 Apr 2012

Not a bad Sunday morning. After gone through what I had last night, I woke up early in the morning, prepare some sandwiches, ham and sausages, everything put into the picnic basket.

Then, I woke both Issac and Annabelle up and we go together to the Taman Tasik Perdana around 7.30am.

It is early as Mummy hopes that reached there early to feel the fresh air before the hot sun raise up to the sky. Taman Tasik Perdana had changed the name already, to Perdana Botanical Garden. Times flies…and everything have change.

Both Issac and Annabelle were playing at the Children Playground. Perdana Botanical Garden have the biggest children playground that I have ever seen in Kuala Lumpur. And, it consists of so many types of designs themes and fun gadgets to play with.

We spent almost 2 hours there, have some snacks such as the mini hotdogs, peanut butter sandwiches, and mineral water. Both of the kids were sweating like nobody business. Luckily, I did bring a towel for them.

We left the park around 10.00am. Thinking of want to go and watch John Carter, but we are unable too as most of the major cinemas have not shown the movie anymore. We came back to home.

        

Their Daddy came back around 4:00pm with a very annoying face, and everything he sees but he is not looking into my eyes. Just passed me 2 boxes of ‘Siau Pau’ and egg tarts and the dirty laundry which he wanted to wash. Only T shirt and short for site visiting? I am really amazed.

I asked him if we can go to Summit USJ to buy Annabelle’s milk powder and baby wipes. Then, we went for our dinner. From the beginning until we came back to home, he just showing his annoying face to me…Am I look so annoying to him?

He slept early because he looks tired. I just asked the children play a bit softer as their Daddy was tired and need a good sleep. I really lucky because I do have a pair of gems with me…

He woke up in the midnight and hooked on the laptop again. Haiz…

But, really a good day which spent together with the kids this morning…