The Tele-Conversation

He called me during I was doing the site marking at Bangsar South Horizon Tower 1.  He mentioned to me that, he was at the Immigration department to do his international passport, because Brother Andrew said his boss Raymond asked him to go to China for a short trip, and he is waiting for his turn. Later on, he will have to do the Visa at China Embassy as well within this week.

He told me that, Brother Andrew had knew about it and asked him for a discussion on our divorce matters. He told me that, Brother Andrew advised him, if can please do not talk or even divorce just for the children sack. Then, he said, “I do not know, love is talking about the feelings, I do not have, and I no longer have the feelings on you anymore.”

I just told him, “ Marriage is not about love only, there is another piece and pieces which will puzzled it up. ‘Bai Tou Xia Lau’, it looks only four Chinese character words, but it contains much more and a lot meanings in it. Our marriage is not a smooth one, but why can’t we just walk along together?”

“I do not know…I just do not have that kind of feelings to you any more. If we unable to become a couple, but we still can be friends. And, I still will take care of you and the children.”

“Just in case, in future you have found someone else, please you do appreciate her. Because, you know and I know, averagely your love is between 4 years and the most is 5 years.”

“Where got? You and I is almost 7 years already,”

“I mean, your previous relationship with the Thai girlfriend, and myself is almost the same period, am I right? We got to know each other for 3 years, then we married, just before Annabelle was born, you had an affair already. And now, Annabelle almost 4 1/2 years old already. You just ended last year.”

He just keep quite. Then, mentioned that our divorce is nothing to do with another woman. I told him, “I know what are you doing now, and only God know what are you doing,” He kept emphasized that he do not know what am I saying. Because if like that, then he do not have the ground to divorce with me.

Then, whenever I talked to him, his voice is getting higher and higher, and so was I. Just to avoid any argument in shouting and yelling, I stopped the conversation and said I had to go for the meeting. And, I will get back to him on the alimony proposal by Wednesday, and it is a Public Holiday.

He is so stunned and firmed and no turning back. He had found his true love I guessed…

Getting to Know Mindfulness…

This morning, I brought the children go to Aunt Jasmine’s house. Both were so happy as they went there long time ago, and there are koi pond, a goose, rabbits, a poodle dog, and a lot of space for them to run around. Her Cambodian maid was looking after them, then I just follow Aunt Jasmine and Ed Mun to their Joyfully Together Center.

It was at one of a shop lot nearby, occupy ground and 1st floor. It was plain and simple in design. I wrote my name at the guest book before entered to the 1st floor.

Some of their Sangha members were already there. We were sitting in a circle, there are 2 types of books in front of us, one is the practice book and the other one, which I borrowed back is “The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching” by Thich Nhat Hanh.

After some singing of the mindfulness song, we walked to downstairs, took a typical cone shape straw hat and a stick each. We walked towards the field opposite the shop lot, Sister Amy briefed me about what is “Walking Meditation”, then she leaded us. Probably this is the first time I “walked”, I am the slowest among all.

Then, we practice the stick exercise. And, we walked back to the center. The sharing session, basically is reading the designated book, and the members shared some ideas and their thoughts on how are they practice the mindfulness and it change or how to improve them. The session ended with the light snacks around 12:00 noon which prepared by all the members.

There is afternoon session with the relaxation or meditation, but I asked Aunt Jasmine to send me back first, because I am just too worry for the 2 children in the house, and their Daddy is coming back from the Church to take them out.

We reached home around 2:30pm, and when we wanted to go out time is around 3:30pm, I just asked him, “You said you got appointment at 5:00pm at KL? Can you manage to go out now or not?” He just looked at his watch, and said to Issac, “Issac, Daddy got things to do and appointment need to go, Daddy will bring you go next time ya,” Issac just nodded his head and walked in to the living room. He did not speak, but I knew he was sad.

We had our pasar malam bought dinner as usual without him. The children slept early as they had playing the whole morning till afternoon.

I prayed to the GOD, even I am not a baptized Christian, hope YOU can looking over my 2 children. I am not doing bad things or sins but I believe that, YOU will equally love your sons and daughters regardless that they had been baptized or not, because this is what LOVE is… and YOU would not let them suffer just like I do now.

My Subconscious Mind Tell Me…

I woke up around 7:15am. It is considered a bit late if compare to our usual Saturday. Normally, Saturday we got 2 art classes, one is 8:00am at school art class for Issac and the other one is 11:30am for both Issac and Annabelle at SS18 Subang Jaya.

It was an awful dream I had, and it feels so real. He and I were discussing on the terms and conditions on the divorce. I was so angry and arguing, so was him. We were talking about the insurance and other matters too. Till, I was so angry and told him that I knew who is the girl…Then, we were pushing each other and fighting…The background was so dark and in a reddish orange like colour. Then, I was awake.

I feel so awful and sad. They said dreams is the images or reflect what is in your subconscious mind. This mean, down deep in my mind or heart, I still got the hatefulness within me towards him. I thought all these days, almost 2 weeks that I keep on holding on strong, and trying to ask myself to forgive, I would be going through all these matters…

True enough, to forgive really is the most and hardest thing to do. I thought I am able to, but if I am think back now, if I truly let go already, I would not be able to keep on writing and writing here, day by day, none stop just to jot down my feelings…

My hatefulness still there, deep inside me…I acknowledged that and please, God give me the strength and wisdom to forgive and let go the burden within…

Their Blog…

Their blog http://lovinic.blogspot.com… I do not know how and why, or there is really someone up there, do not want me to suffer so much, or I am the one who is so naively believe that I still have the hope.

I managed to break into their blog again, and I see the continuation of their love stories which, extended from the emails.

The purpose of their blog is to keep their stories so, next time they can pass it on to their children.

I am a bit disturb when I saw that, which in fact I shouldn’t read it at the very first place, but I read it.

Truly, it is really breaking my heart into pieces.

How about the two lovely children we have?

There is times, when I think back, they lost their father, just because Mummy during that critical time, I was immature enough to handle matters like that.

This is the Karma…

I have to acknowledge it and accept it.

Friends keep telling me, I should not look backwards but I have to move on and focus on the road in front of me.

Whatever he had done, is history, and do not put in inside my heart. For those, will only pulling me down.

Do not keep the anger, pain, sorrow within…

Just look ahead.

人生的漫長旅途中，

總有那麼一段時間，

需要你自己走，自己扛。

不要感覺害怕，不要感覺孤單，

這只不過是成長的些許代價。

A Fortune Teller Told Me…

Today I went down to Kuala Lumpur Jalan Ipoh just to pick up some paper offerings and a gold coin. The shop actually near his work site, IPD Sentul.

I went there last week. It is a small place which is shared between an old fashion hair saloon at an old shop lot along Jalan Ipoh at first floor. The interior still at its 70’s.

She is an old lady, everyone used to call her Ying Gu or Sister Ying. The first time I met her was 10 years ago.

It was the time before I met him. She told me that, I will meet someone who love me very much. That is why I was so being in love with him during when I met him, and I believe he is my true love.

My love for him is never decrease, but a bit by bit increase everyday. Till now, he had found some one new, I guessed in my heart, he is still living inside there. I can see only his good, and compromise his weakness…Love is just as simple as this, right?

She still told me the same things as she told me last year. He and she is love at first sight. He and she is actually a good pair of couple, if follow the Chinese Zodiac, as he is a Cow and she is a Rat. It is actually a perfect match. Both also are very hardworking people.

According to her, eventually, he will come back to where home is. My two children are my guardians. She asked me to  be patience and waits.

In reality, it seems like he is the one who does not want this family, but he would rather start a new one. If he really found someone and it is God’s Will then probably it is his faith, that she really can change him. Let it be…

At night, I just burnt some paper offerings beside the house, even though I do not really believe it will works, but no harm right?

Looking at the children, sometimes my tears will drop down without my control…

Ch'ing Ming…

Today is actual day of Ch'ing Ming Festival.

I went to Esiang’s house after fetched 2 kids to the kindergarten and Teacher Joyce’s house.

Ika had prepared and cooked all the offerings for Mum and Grandma already, i.e.. mushroom chickens, fried vegetable with garlic, old cucumber soup, brown rice, fried brinjal with minced chicken, of coarse and the flowers and fruits too.

It had been 12 years since she left us. I had not visited her ever since I pregnant Issac until now. More than 7 years I guessed. What a shame, not coming to see her ever since I married, and now my marriage got problems and my husband is seeking for a divorce.

We arrived there almost 11:30am. Richie and Exuan met us there. We had a good chat there, among our cousins. Time flies, we are all almost between age 30 – 40 already.

The place never change, still the same, just beside it there is another pagoda and in front of it build another block for the Christian or Catholic. Still not much trees and ponds, still the same under the sun very hot.

At the Tua Pek Kong Temple, I thought I saw Chuan Boon. But, after that, I did not see him, probably is someone else I guessed.

I am telling Mum about my failed marriage and hopefully she can looks after my two lovely kids and blessed for my path ahead…It is true, one will never know how a Mum would feel unless you become one yourself some day.

A Tearful Tuesday…

Another day of tears…

After days of days of calmness and self-hypnotize, my feelings just like riding the roller-coater in the fun fair or theme park.

In the morning I can be very high energetic and calm, but in the afternoon or evening, my mood can just like from the peak of the mountain and drop to the deep valley down, crying and crying non-stop.

Finally, he told me that he visited the lawyer already. Why he keep telling the lies to me? He no longer have feelings towards me? There is another woman in his heart.

And, last Sunday, he is not going to Malacca but to Port Dickson Avillion Resort. That is exactly the same resort I believed he went 5 1/2 years ago with his Thai girl friend.

All these while, I was so amazed with this resort, because I knew it is a beautiful resort long long time ago, everything my dreams and imaginations about this resort had been torn apart in front of me when Cherng told me he stayed there together with May Key, and now he had been there with two different women.

I got the kind of feelings is I would not get whatever I want in my love life. It had been proven before and now. I feel really tired. Why all the true feelings I put in will turn out like that?