Suffering…

Today I had been almost half a day busy with the site marking and met up with Yeap and Andy at Bangsar South regards to the site marking, the problems arises and the solutions for each floor of that.

Almost 2:30pm I am back to the office, I tried my best to concentrate back to my works, but the ‘divorce’ things just hang in my mind, my brain and everything. When I think back, I cannot controlled my tears from my eyes. And, at the same time, I have to work out the alimony to reply him back. It is really hard time, and at the same time I have to negotiate with him.

Jess did see that, and ask me just let go of it. Now, two children are everything to me now. And, I have to take care of them and concentrate my energy and focus on them instead. He is changing already. I told her, I really do not know how long will I need to overcome this ‘transition’ period.

I left the office around 4:30pm, then I received a friend called. He told me that, he did consult his pastor in the church on my case. His pastor gave him the advice, asking me to tell the girl that I am his wife, and confront him.

Because in the Christianity, marriage is a very is lifelong commitment to one's spouse, and nothing else. Even so, if the pastor come to know about it, he would not manage for their marriage either.

I replied to him that: what can I do now? If I am confront him now to the girl, it will make the situation worst only, as they are now so deeply in love.Two of them would be suffered, and at the same time, my relationship with him is just like a cracked mirror that cannot be repaired.

Divorce is the only way which both of us walk out from the marriage. He had the hatred towards me, even I still love him. But he treats me like his enemy. There is really no more future ahead us…

I do not know when I will forgive him totally, but at least I have to start doing it now, just let him go, so that I can move on, together with two children.

It is true that I am suffering now..but I know without suffering, I cannot grow. I am trying not to run away from my sufferings now, instead I want to embrace it and cherish it...Look deeply in my mind and heart, I hope with the understanding and compassion I have, I will be able to heal the wounds in my heart, and I'll let 'him' go someday..for sure, he will be living inside my heart there for the good things he had done in my life...

A Public Holiday

Today supposed to be a public holiday, and I was planning to bring the kids to Taman Warisan Pertanian at Putrajaya. Early in the morning, there was a little bit raining and the sky was so moody, in the end, I had cancelled the plan. Instead, we are playing and stayed at home.

In the morning, I managed to wash and do the ironing for the clothing. Both Issac and Annabelle just really wanted to go out and play.

After their afternoon nap, I just bring them go to the USJ19 Digital Mall for our dinner time had some bites. Issac had his egg tart and Annabelle and I were sharing some chicken porridge with salted and century eggs.

We just walked about at the mall and spent time about an hour like that, then we were back home. I was driving the car wondering around before reached home. Both were well behaved.

Their Daddy were at Pulau Ketam today with his beloved. I accidently saw the booking bank-in slip to the hotel on Sunday itself. He was checking in yesterday afternoon. Friend told me, he left the job site around 12:00 noon, and said need to go to Issac’s school to see him. My God, he was using his son as an excuse for his own love escape sack.

Last year, we did go there as one of our weekend breakaway trip. Due to the children were tired, I was accompanied Annabelle in the room all the time. In the evening time, Issac and him went to explore the island. I did feel like he was not happy at all, because something like bringing us for outing is a burden, and he cannot able to enjoy the trip itself, but instead had to help take care of the children and his clumsy wife – me.

Well, now he is enjoying his new love life now…And, I have to put thru it, too.

The Tele-Conversation

He called me during I was doing the site marking at Bangsar South Horizon Tower 1.  He mentioned to me that, he was at the Immigration department to do his international passport, because Brother Andrew said his boss Raymond asked him to go to China for a short trip, and he is waiting for his turn. Later on, he will have to do the Visa at China Embassy as well within this week.

He told me that, Brother Andrew had knew about it and asked him for a discussion on our divorce matters. He told me that, Brother Andrew advised him, if can please do not talk or even divorce just for the children sack. Then, he said, “I do not know, love is talking about the feelings, I do not have, and I no longer have the feelings on you anymore.”

I just told him, “ Marriage is not about love only, there is another piece and pieces which will puzzled it up. ‘Bai Tou Xia Lau’, it looks only four Chinese character words, but it contains much more and a lot meanings in it. Our marriage is not a smooth one, but why can’t we just walk along together?”

“I do not know…I just do not have that kind of feelings to you any more. If we unable to become a couple, but we still can be friends. And, I still will take care of you and the children.”

“Just in case, in future you have found someone else, please you do appreciate her. Because, you know and I know, averagely your love is between 4 years and the most is 5 years.”

“Where got? You and I is almost 7 years already,”

“I mean, your previous relationship with the Thai girlfriend, and myself is almost the same period, am I right? We got to know each other for 3 years, then we married, just before Annabelle was born, you had an affair already. And now, Annabelle almost 4 1/2 years old already. You just ended last year.”

He just keep quite. Then, mentioned that our divorce is nothing to do with another woman. I told him, “I know what are you doing now, and only God know what are you doing,” He kept emphasized that he do not know what am I saying. Because if like that, then he do not have the ground to divorce with me.

Then, whenever I talked to him, his voice is getting higher and higher, and so was I. Just to avoid any argument in shouting and yelling, I stopped the conversation and said I had to go for the meeting. And, I will get back to him on the alimony proposal by Wednesday, and it is a Public Holiday.

He is so stunned and firmed and no turning back. He had found his true love I guessed…

Getting to Know Mindfulness…

This morning, I brought the children go to Aunt Jasmine’s house. Both were so happy as they went there long time ago, and there are koi pond, a goose, rabbits, a poodle dog, and a lot of space for them to run around. Her Cambodian maid was looking after them, then I just follow Aunt Jasmine and Ed Mun to their Joyfully Together Center.

It was at one of a shop lot nearby, occupy ground and 1st floor. It was plain and simple in design. I wrote my name at the guest book before entered to the 1st floor.

Some of their Sangha members were already there. We were sitting in a circle, there are 2 types of books in front of us, one is the practice book and the other one, which I borrowed back is “The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching” by Thich Nhat Hanh.

After some singing of the mindfulness song, we walked to downstairs, took a typical cone shape straw hat and a stick each. We walked towards the field opposite the shop lot, Sister Amy briefed me about what is “Walking Meditation”, then she leaded us. Probably this is the first time I “walked”, I am the slowest among all.

Then, we practice the stick exercise. And, we walked back to the center. The sharing session, basically is reading the designated book, and the members shared some ideas and their thoughts on how are they practice the mindfulness and it change or how to improve them. The session ended with the light snacks around 12:00 noon which prepared by all the members.

There is afternoon session with the relaxation or meditation, but I asked Aunt Jasmine to send me back first, because I am just too worry for the 2 children in the house, and their Daddy is coming back from the Church to take them out.

We reached home around 2:30pm, and when we wanted to go out time is around 3:30pm, I just asked him, “You said you got appointment at 5:00pm at KL? Can you manage to go out now or not?” He just looked at his watch, and said to Issac, “Issac, Daddy got things to do and appointment need to go, Daddy will bring you go next time ya,” Issac just nodded his head and walked in to the living room. He did not speak, but I knew he was sad.

We had our pasar malam bought dinner as usual without him. The children slept early as they had playing the whole morning till afternoon.

I prayed to the GOD, even I am not a baptized Christian, hope YOU can looking over my 2 children. I am not doing bad things or sins but I believe that, YOU will equally love your sons and daughters regardless that they had been baptized or not, because this is what LOVE is… and YOU would not let them suffer just like I do now.

My Subconscious Mind Tell Me…

I woke up around 7:15am. It is considered a bit late if compare to our usual Saturday. Normally, Saturday we got 2 art classes, one is 8:00am at school art class for Issac and the other one is 11:30am for both Issac and Annabelle at SS18 Subang Jaya.

It was an awful dream I had, and it feels so real. He and I were discussing on the terms and conditions on the divorce. I was so angry and arguing, so was him. We were talking about the insurance and other matters too. Till, I was so angry and told him that I knew who is the girl…Then, we were pushing each other and fighting…The background was so dark and in a reddish orange like colour. Then, I was awake.

I feel so awful and sad. They said dreams is the images or reflect what is in your subconscious mind. This mean, down deep in my mind or heart, I still got the hatefulness within me towards him. I thought all these days, almost 2 weeks that I keep on holding on strong, and trying to ask myself to forgive, I would be going through all these matters…

True enough, to forgive really is the most and hardest thing to do. I thought I am able to, but if I am think back now, if I truly let go already, I would not be able to keep on writing and writing here, day by day, none stop just to jot down my feelings…

My hatefulness still there, deep inside me…I acknowledged that and please, God give me the strength and wisdom to forgive and let go the burden within…

Their Blog…

Their blog http://lovinic.blogspot.com… I do not know how and why, or there is really someone up there, do not want me to suffer so much, or I am the one who is so naively believe that I still have the hope.

I managed to break into their blog again, and I see the continuation of their love stories which, extended from the emails.

The purpose of their blog is to keep their stories so, next time they can pass it on to their children.

I am a bit disturb when I saw that, which in fact I shouldn’t read it at the very first place, but I read it.

Truly, it is really breaking my heart into pieces.

How about the two lovely children we have?

There is times, when I think back, they lost their father, just because Mummy during that critical time, I was immature enough to handle matters like that.

This is the Karma…

I have to acknowledge it and accept it.

Friends keep telling me, I should not look backwards but I have to move on and focus on the road in front of me.

Whatever he had done, is history, and do not put in inside my heart. For those, will only pulling me down.

Do not keep the anger, pain, sorrow within…

Just look ahead.

人生的漫長旅途中，

總有那麼一段時間，

需要你自己走，自己扛。

不要感覺害怕，不要感覺孤單，

這只不過是成長的些許代價。

A Fortune Teller Told Me…

Today I went down to Kuala Lumpur Jalan Ipoh just to pick up some paper offerings and a gold coin. The shop actually near his work site, IPD Sentul.

I went there last week. It is a small place which is shared between an old fashion hair saloon at an old shop lot along Jalan Ipoh at first floor. The interior still at its 70’s.

She is an old lady, everyone used to call her Ying Gu or Sister Ying. The first time I met her was 10 years ago.

It was the time before I met him. She told me that, I will meet someone who love me very much. That is why I was so being in love with him during when I met him, and I believe he is my true love.

My love for him is never decrease, but a bit by bit increase everyday. Till now, he had found some one new, I guessed in my heart, he is still living inside there. I can see only his good, and compromise his weakness…Love is just as simple as this, right?

She still told me the same things as she told me last year. He and she is love at first sight. He and she is actually a good pair of couple, if follow the Chinese Zodiac, as he is a Cow and she is a Rat. It is actually a perfect match. Both also are very hardworking people.

According to her, eventually, he will come back to where home is. My two children are my guardians. She asked me to  be patience and waits.

In reality, it seems like he is the one who does not want this family, but he would rather start a new one. If he really found someone and it is God’s Will then probably it is his faith, that she really can change him. Let it be…

At night, I just burnt some paper offerings beside the house, even though I do not really believe it will works, but no harm right?

Looking at the children, sometimes my tears will drop down without my control…