Betrayal…

I feel so awful today, as last night I had found out that he had told his family members the truth but not the whole truth, but selectively to his sister and brother…I felt so sad, and all those things I did not do, and he claimed that he is clean but in actual fact he is not, and God is watching…Oh God, I feel my anger, disappointment, sad and still, I love him so much, that I do not want to hurt him at this stage, and yet he still doing things hurting me.

This is the first email he sent out…

FROM:

• Alvin Yu Shee Thai

TO:

• yu
• yu

Friday, 6 April 2012 3:30 PM

Wow.. after father matter resolve and in my planning I've did a difficult but a long time consideration decision.. u all may not be comfortable to read or knowing but I've no choice must inform and/or discuss with u all.. Andrew I'm unable to face him to talk about my personel things.. u all are more closer to me ya... (which i felt)...

Sis and Ko, for the past 4 years in fact me and Ipeng already having relationship problem.. remember 4 years back we did talk about separation but then Issac and Annabelle are too young for us to make any decision, but after all this year we had come to a conclusion of separation.. some mutual agreement terms and condition in fact we are still sorting out before meeting my Lawyer for final drafting of divorcing letter to court..

A lot of things i have to consider, Ko in fact last trip me and you at Starbuck Midvalley u had been advising me, ya i did reconsider but love is all about feeling between each others... doesn't mean after divorce will be enermy cause me & ipeng are mature enought to take it and we all agree can't force to be couple but friendship will still maintain and kids will not see us quarrel in front of them.. smashing or any worse action, I ve promise to give them still a lovely childhood.. these planning already have the clear picture of understanding between us...

Also i would like to clarify that at this juncture i don't have 3rd party girl friend interfering me & ipeng and caused the divorcy.. which this is true and swear to god.. wholly a stable situation decision.. pls. understand and don't expert further or speculate any unneccessary.. tq v v v v v much...

I ve drafted a reimbursement proposal for ipeng's final advise and consideration, which she in preliminary stage quiet agreeable but of course still have some Q&A need to sort out, well any unresolve I inform her to meet my Lawyer at his office together for mutual commitment....

I felt my 2 marriage, I really looks like a very naughty boy... hahahaha.. but who really know me.. I'm alone in KL for so many years I ve built my own character, my own thinking, which u all may not get it (maybe)...

Well, i ve been pushing and forcing myself to coordinate with ipeng over the past 4 years to accept her problem which i always advising her but that is her limit and what further more improvement to expect... and i can't be so selfish to further forcing her and later she will be suffering in future so therefore we decide not giving each other further unhappyness and pressure, we make this decision recently...

Ko, after this matter resolve (if everything smooth) it will take about 6 months.. and this IPD Sentul project getting completed, i really think of joining Taisei for oversea project, at my current knowledge and capability i confidently able to take the challenge and work liaise with better firm... and professional firm like Taisei.. of course at this pay of me with Usaha Waja now if not because helping Andrew i suppose to be a better pay rather than what i m right now...

I just down want to further waste my next 10 years (hey after this 10 years i will be 50 already), so i have to be serious in my career, i ve to be somebody after this and to success in my expected status in Construction Industry...

I write this to pre-notify both of u as my dearest sis & bro. cause i got no body to talk to.. I'll be back on dad 100th arrangement, after that we shall talk further ya..

Thankyou by spending time reading through my broken english essay hahaahhaha... thank you all v v v much...

Alvin.. little bro

                                                 *****                        *****                     *****

The second email which is more damaging on my side, and I totally feel heartbreaking and break into pieces…

FROM:

• Alvin Yu Shee Thai

TO:

• yu
• yu

Friday, 6 April 2012 9:43 PM

Sis and Ko, I know u all in Kuching very concern our problem... because of kids and responsibility then force have to be together.. haha not me loh, i seek for love feeling, between ipeng and me no more loh.. I did had and affair before that is way before 4 years back before Annabelle born.. that time wat ipeng did is carry Issac run off from home back to segamat day time without notifying me, that time i just started my business on structural steel (don know u all still remember) and I'm still a bankrupcy, so all company name and cheque signing under her.. and she only left RM2.5k with me for new year, all workers look at me for gaji and bonus and worse she informed the whole relative the problem... I have been passing through all this myself yayaya I deserve i know but that night i drive my old van all the way down to segamat for bagging forgiveness, surprisingly her father ask her to divorce and not letting me seeing her, I drive back to KL midnight again really don know wat to do, but i only can call and call till she pick up to persue her back home to resolve business issue than only talk forgiveness... of course after that every difficult moment pasted.

That to me is a nightmare, a nightmare caused me have a though of revenge... but i kept control myself not to think such way, after years past Annabelle born a 2nd child we had i lose the feeling with her and revenging though getting stronger.. till 4 years back i getting tired already facing her so i start proposing to divorce...

within this few years, I kept notifying her not to be very lazy, get up early, have some hobby, follow me for photoshooting, even a bit initiative to do house cleaning more often (of course i be the one all the while do cleaning at home until she felt malu only acting helping but my style till need me to voice everything too late)... just like in Kuching i don like my wife to sleep too late in the morning, so that can help mum or accompany mum or u to go market, but never did, can tell not even helping do house cleaning works in Kuching right.... i really tired to speak and remind again...

Talk about revenge again, I been clean without any affair for the past 5 years, clean totally clean so than i propose divorce, cause her father has no reason to look for gangster to talk to me like the past incident... so let them even get private investigator i also not worrying hahaha I just like her to taste as well when i really tired and forced me to choice divorce as punishing her,,,, i judge to be a fair and equal way to treat wat she given me that nightmare before...

Kids still love their daddy, cause these years i more closer than their mother to them.. even if i m not around outstation for week, they will even more miss me... cause i able to make them happy... childhood i will really make sure they will be very enjoy and happy.... ask mum don worry to her grandson and draught...

siew foong, Jo.. those are past I m still looking for someone can really suit me and understand me... they all not qualified, my mistake though ipeng can but too tired for me to look into her cause she can't... 4 years already not a fast and over react decision... I know wat i m doing... maybe my writting above very mass, but this is whole issue... I may be a devil I not a good man for ... Sis u are right with you strong torn tq by understand me cause u will only blaming me rather to discuss cause 1st few sentense I already wrong Siew Foong, Jo now Ipeng hahaha so wat so wat lah.... love is all about feeling, when the feeling gone that is, kids nds love i know why i do not know but after divorce i will still care them and that is sufficient already.. chow i will discommunicate with u all and i will even not discuss with Andrew if u all think asking him to talk to me i won't, worse resign loh....

I had been crying and calling Aunt Jasmine about this, and she just asked me to let go, because all these emails and whatever he said doesn’t matter anymore. I have to learn to put it down already. As I got children to take care and no more 10 years to waste…

記住該記住的，忘記該忘記掉的；
改變能改變的，接受不能改變的。
有些事我們無法控制，只能控制自己；
有些人我們無法改變，只能改變自己！

Annabelle & Daddy’s Scientist

This is ‘the doll’ which Daddy brought back to home the other day. It was I think a doll which his new girl friend bought for him or he bought it together with his new girl friend.

Annabelle loves the doll so much because it is cute! I personally do not like it may be because of my perception on it. She asked me to take a photo of her together with the Scientist. I took 3 photos of her.

Everything which would make my kids happy, make me happy as well!

Suffering…

Today I had been almost half a day busy with the site marking and met up with Yeap and Andy at Bangsar South regards to the site marking, the problems arises and the solutions for each floor of that.

Almost 2:30pm I am back to the office, I tried my best to concentrate back to my works, but the ‘divorce’ things just hang in my mind, my brain and everything. When I think back, I cannot controlled my tears from my eyes. And, at the same time, I have to work out the alimony to reply him back. It is really hard time, and at the same time I have to negotiate with him.

Jess did see that, and ask me just let go of it. Now, two children are everything to me now. And, I have to take care of them and concentrate my energy and focus on them instead. He is changing already. I told her, I really do not know how long will I need to overcome this ‘transition’ period.

I left the office around 4:30pm, then I received a friend called. He told me that, he did consult his pastor in the church on my case. His pastor gave him the advice, asking me to tell the girl that I am his wife, and confront him.

Because in the Christianity, marriage is a very is lifelong commitment to one's spouse, and nothing else. Even so, if the pastor come to know about it, he would not manage for their marriage either.

I replied to him that: what can I do now? If I am confront him now to the girl, it will make the situation worst only, as they are now so deeply in love.Two of them would be suffered, and at the same time, my relationship with him is just like a cracked mirror that cannot be repaired.

Divorce is the only way which both of us walk out from the marriage. He had the hatred towards me, even I still love him. But he treats me like his enemy. There is really no more future ahead us…

I do not know when I will forgive him totally, but at least I have to start doing it now, just let him go, so that I can move on, together with two children.

It is true that I am suffering now..but I know without suffering, I cannot grow. I am trying not to run away from my sufferings now, instead I want to embrace it and cherish it...Look deeply in my mind and heart, I hope with the understanding and compassion I have, I will be able to heal the wounds in my heart, and I'll let 'him' go someday..for sure, he will be living inside my heart there for the good things he had done in my life...

A Public Holiday

Today supposed to be a public holiday, and I was planning to bring the kids to Taman Warisan Pertanian at Putrajaya. Early in the morning, there was a little bit raining and the sky was so moody, in the end, I had cancelled the plan. Instead, we are playing and stayed at home.

In the morning, I managed to wash and do the ironing for the clothing. Both Issac and Annabelle just really wanted to go out and play.

After their afternoon nap, I just bring them go to the USJ19 Digital Mall for our dinner time had some bites. Issac had his egg tart and Annabelle and I were sharing some chicken porridge with salted and century eggs.

We just walked about at the mall and spent time about an hour like that, then we were back home. I was driving the car wondering around before reached home. Both were well behaved.

Their Daddy were at Pulau Ketam today with his beloved. I accidently saw the booking bank-in slip to the hotel on Sunday itself. He was checking in yesterday afternoon. Friend told me, he left the job site around 12:00 noon, and said need to go to Issac’s school to see him. My God, he was using his son as an excuse for his own love escape sack.

Last year, we did go there as one of our weekend breakaway trip. Due to the children were tired, I was accompanied Annabelle in the room all the time. In the evening time, Issac and him went to explore the island. I did feel like he was not happy at all, because something like bringing us for outing is a burden, and he cannot able to enjoy the trip itself, but instead had to help take care of the children and his clumsy wife – me.

Well, now he is enjoying his new love life now…And, I have to put thru it, too.

The Tele-Conversation

He called me during I was doing the site marking at Bangsar South Horizon Tower 1.  He mentioned to me that, he was at the Immigration department to do his international passport, because Brother Andrew said his boss Raymond asked him to go to China for a short trip, and he is waiting for his turn. Later on, he will have to do the Visa at China Embassy as well within this week.

He told me that, Brother Andrew had knew about it and asked him for a discussion on our divorce matters. He told me that, Brother Andrew advised him, if can please do not talk or even divorce just for the children sack. Then, he said, “I do not know, love is talking about the feelings, I do not have, and I no longer have the feelings on you anymore.”

I just told him, “ Marriage is not about love only, there is another piece and pieces which will puzzled it up. ‘Bai Tou Xia Lau’, it looks only four Chinese character words, but it contains much more and a lot meanings in it. Our marriage is not a smooth one, but why can’t we just walk along together?”

“I do not know…I just do not have that kind of feelings to you any more. If we unable to become a couple, but we still can be friends. And, I still will take care of you and the children.”

“Just in case, in future you have found someone else, please you do appreciate her. Because, you know and I know, averagely your love is between 4 years and the most is 5 years.”

“Where got? You and I is almost 7 years already,”

“I mean, your previous relationship with the Thai girlfriend, and myself is almost the same period, am I right? We got to know each other for 3 years, then we married, just before Annabelle was born, you had an affair already. And now, Annabelle almost 4 1/2 years old already. You just ended last year.”

He just keep quite. Then, mentioned that our divorce is nothing to do with another woman. I told him, “I know what are you doing now, and only God know what are you doing,” He kept emphasized that he do not know what am I saying. Because if like that, then he do not have the ground to divorce with me.

Then, whenever I talked to him, his voice is getting higher and higher, and so was I. Just to avoid any argument in shouting and yelling, I stopped the conversation and said I had to go for the meeting. And, I will get back to him on the alimony proposal by Wednesday, and it is a Public Holiday.

He is so stunned and firmed and no turning back. He had found his true love I guessed…

Getting to Know Mindfulness…

This morning, I brought the children go to Aunt Jasmine’s house. Both were so happy as they went there long time ago, and there are koi pond, a goose, rabbits, a poodle dog, and a lot of space for them to run around. Her Cambodian maid was looking after them, then I just follow Aunt Jasmine and Ed Mun to their Joyfully Together Center.

It was at one of a shop lot nearby, occupy ground and 1st floor. It was plain and simple in design. I wrote my name at the guest book before entered to the 1st floor.

Some of their Sangha members were already there. We were sitting in a circle, there are 2 types of books in front of us, one is the practice book and the other one, which I borrowed back is “The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching” by Thich Nhat Hanh.

After some singing of the mindfulness song, we walked to downstairs, took a typical cone shape straw hat and a stick each. We walked towards the field opposite the shop lot, Sister Amy briefed me about what is “Walking Meditation”, then she leaded us. Probably this is the first time I “walked”, I am the slowest among all.

Then, we practice the stick exercise. And, we walked back to the center. The sharing session, basically is reading the designated book, and the members shared some ideas and their thoughts on how are they practice the mindfulness and it change or how to improve them. The session ended with the light snacks around 12:00 noon which prepared by all the members.

There is afternoon session with the relaxation or meditation, but I asked Aunt Jasmine to send me back first, because I am just too worry for the 2 children in the house, and their Daddy is coming back from the Church to take them out.

We reached home around 2:30pm, and when we wanted to go out time is around 3:30pm, I just asked him, “You said you got appointment at 5:00pm at KL? Can you manage to go out now or not?” He just looked at his watch, and said to Issac, “Issac, Daddy got things to do and appointment need to go, Daddy will bring you go next time ya,” Issac just nodded his head and walked in to the living room. He did not speak, but I knew he was sad.

We had our pasar malam bought dinner as usual without him. The children slept early as they had playing the whole morning till afternoon.

I prayed to the GOD, even I am not a baptized Christian, hope YOU can looking over my 2 children. I am not doing bad things or sins but I believe that, YOU will equally love your sons and daughters regardless that they had been baptized or not, because this is what LOVE is… and YOU would not let them suffer just like I do now.

My Subconscious Mind Tell Me…

I woke up around 7:15am. It is considered a bit late if compare to our usual Saturday. Normally, Saturday we got 2 art classes, one is 8:00am at school art class for Issac and the other one is 11:30am for both Issac and Annabelle at SS18 Subang Jaya.

It was an awful dream I had, and it feels so real. He and I were discussing on the terms and conditions on the divorce. I was so angry and arguing, so was him. We were talking about the insurance and other matters too. Till, I was so angry and told him that I knew who is the girl…Then, we were pushing each other and fighting…The background was so dark and in a reddish orange like colour. Then, I was awake.

I feel so awful and sad. They said dreams is the images or reflect what is in your subconscious mind. This mean, down deep in my mind or heart, I still got the hatefulness within me towards him. I thought all these days, almost 2 weeks that I keep on holding on strong, and trying to ask myself to forgive, I would be going through all these matters…

True enough, to forgive really is the most and hardest thing to do. I thought I am able to, but if I am think back now, if I truly let go already, I would not be able to keep on writing and writing here, day by day, none stop just to jot down my feelings…

My hatefulness still there, deep inside me…I acknowledged that and please, God give me the strength and wisdom to forgive and let go the burden within…