Uneasy Thoughts

From the WhatsApp message that Alvin texted last night, I felt uneasy in my heart because it seems like there might be something that I do not know off. This kind of feeling make me uncomfortable.

This is not the first time that he did not pick up the video call at all, gives me a sense of he is hiding something behind me - I just feel as he has woman again in Johor Bahru.

It is not a good feeling and it hurts so much and again.

I thought that that feeling would not come as I had been through it much before, but the feeling of being betrayed and heartache are not immunized just because I had experienced before.

The pain was real before and the pain is real now.

What are the things that I am not doing last time and this time as well? Is all these my fault? I really do not know.

I really feel tired.

Conversation…

[2:10 pm, 30/11/2018] C Alvin Yu:

Dear, in fact 2 days back o also mid writing message to u regards lord's love to our family just too busy halfway wrote n deleted no time to finish what inside my thoughts. Indeed god love us from day before u and kids converted, dos loves n guidance started while I first excepted thee since I convert SIB. That night when I raise my hand surrender to him I felt holy ghost had never left me n include guiding u n children. But over the years n in LDS, I except the teaching I respect n believe the church n prophets, but on certain matters I not cannot accept or reluctant to believe, is just I understand d plan of salvation, I value d time we in this mortal timeframe, but choices is individual. We sin every moment, we seek his forgiveness every day, we be honest with him n our love one every day. Dear I trust god will never punish or neglect his children soon as his children pray n have faith with him.. but do not use force to force ppl to believe Christ or thee, cause god never which that happens eventually ppl will leave him n this is what he not willing to c… he like more followers with faith n love him trust him.

[2:11 pm, 30/11/2018] C Alvin Yu:

This is what I am at this juncture.

Dear prayer is important cause it shows always put god in us at d 1st place.  2nd is family.  Because without thy father in heaven we r nothing.

[2:15 pm, 30/11/2018] C Alvin Yu:

Dear, I love u n this family.  But do in fact sometimes u try want me to bring out myself to talk to u, but u yourself seems not stabilize to listen what I m going to speak n lead me also quite not to say much...  to receive matters to discuss have to be peaceful n mine clear, by not over react or over judgement... this only ppl will speak truth n heart to heart talk with each others.

[2:20 pm, 30/11/2018] C Alvin Yu:

U should know me well.  I m a focus person.  What I do or did n decision made with a plan but not in temporary (except guitar lesson, ha-ha but will still try to complete n learn yet give up, just need to stabilize myself 1st).  Dear u n kids are my beloved family n all happiness r from u all.  All burden stress all cause of u all I able to handle n put it down... cause I truly love u all.

[2:23 pm, 30/11/2018] C Alvin Yu:

I have things in myself, do like to honestly spell to u all, but need a right time for u to listen n solution... I do not like to have unhappiness faces or mood moment during all discussion.  Because I felt as a family if cannot spell out within family members it will really burden me.. n I do not know who else to talk to.

[2:24 pm, 30/11/2018] C Alvin Yu:

Maybe today u felt why I wrote in long messages.. is nothing but my feeling inside n maybe holy ghost would like me to express out at this moment but not other days..

Love u all dear.

[2:24 pm, 30/11/2018] ipeng: I am listening.. dear

[2:31 pm, 30/11/2018] ipeng: We love you too

[2:32 pm, 30/11/2018] ipeng: You can talk to us what is in your mind and heart.

[2:33 pm, 30/11/2018] ipeng: That is family are for

[2:36 pm, 30/11/2018] ipeng:

I just like can sense your mind is in troubled and there is something you are facing now.. I do not know what is that.. but it’s must be something that you are thinking about all the time..

[2:39 pm, 30/11/2018] C Alvin Yu: Nice right laptop wall paper

[2:40 pm, 30/11/2018] C Alvin Yu: Always c u all n soften my heart every moment I going frust

[3:02 pm, 30/11/2018] ipeng: ^^

I know it is not easy for one to say what was in his heart out, even though I might feel a little bit not so comfortable and not easy, but I am grateful for his willingness to share for this family.

Writing My Personal Journal

It has been a few days that I was slack on writing down about what have the Lord done to me for the entire day. And today when I studied the Book of Mormon 3 Nephi 23, the same message from President Henry B. Eyring came to me again.

“Some people say, ‘I don’t have anything to record. Nothing spiritual happens to me.’ I say,’Start recording, and spiritual things will happen. They are there all the time, but we become more sensitive to them as we write’”

Elder John H. Groberg

Writing Your Personal and Family History

April 1980 General Conference

Thus, I need to make it a habit that I should write down what I feel, what I see and what I hear everyday. I still have the feeling that it is not by chance or by coincident, that I learn all these things right now.

Studying 3 Nephi at this point of time really give me a feeling as Jesus Christ is ministering me now “one to one”, He wants to let me know that His concern as an individual – a child of lovingly Heavenly Father.

There are so much things that I am learning and experiencing. I can feel that He is walking with me everyday.

Feeling Joy in the Midst of Struggle

I grabbed my hand phone when I woke up this morning, and I saw YouTube app notified me that, Mormon Channel has a new video upload – Feeling Joy in the Midst of Struggle.

I was thinking : Ok, this is the video I should watch now and especially what have I been through now. Thus, I just clicked in…

“The joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives, and everything to do with the focus of our lives.”

~ President Russell M. Nelson

This was the first quote that Abby Stephen shared with the audience and she began with her struggle in her life. She was 23 years old and engaged to marry the love of her life, Cole. But one week before the “big day” their lives changed forever. While they were on a road trip together, Cole accidentally veered the car toward oncoming traffic, and then he overcorrected and flipped the car. Abby was rushed to the hospital with a broken neck. She and Cole were told that she was quadriplegic and would never walk again.

During the difficult days and months that followed, Abby wondered if she’d ever feel happy again. So, she decided that instead of feeling sorry for herself, she’d try to shift her focus to feelings of gratitude. Was she happy all the time? Of coarse not. Were there tears of heartache and frustration? Yes.

“If we sit in and dwell on all the pain, sorrow, angers, disappointments, heartaches and frustration, that is exactly what we would continue to feel…Instead of I allowed myself to feel of those things, then shifted my focus to happier things and my faith in Jesus Christ.” Abby said.

Abby shared about 3 of the things which can make us happier and allow to feel joy in the midst of her trials:

“The first thing I focus on is Gratitude. As bad as my circumstances were I chose to be grateful…I was grateful to be alive. I was grateful that my family and my fiancé were there to love and support me and to pray with me and for me. I was so grateful for my faith and testimonies of the loving Savior because that was going to get me through this trial. So what do you to have to be grateful for?”

“…Focusing on the things that we have to be grateful for would always allow us to feel joy when life is hard.”

“The second thing I focus on is Positive Thoughts. Instead of focusing what I can no longer do… I visualized myself on all the things I want to do… If I found myself dwelling in the negative things, I would immediately find something positive things to think about. And through it all, prayers is a constant.”

“There is power in faith and positivity…I chose to be positive attitude with all my heart because of our faith in Jesus Christ, a miracle was happening right before our eyes.”

“We can’t direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. For maximum happiness, peace, and contentment, may we choose a positive attitude.”

~ President Thomas S. Monson

“Throughout all these things, we learned that the third thing we can find joy is Humour. Learning to laugh through in the toughest moment is an absolute necessity to find joy.”

“The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache.”

~ Marjorie Pay Hinckley

“In all of living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.”

~ President Gordon B. Hickley

I felt amazed and I can feel that Heavenly Father is talking to me through this message. He knows me very well, even better than myself. He is asking me to feel joy instead of dwelling with the sadness myself.

I am lack of positive attitude and I always feel pessimistic with a sad face and mind in everything I do. And, here comes the Lord sending me a message on telling me where should I improve. These two are the weaknesses, which have been within me for years. I am aware about it but just did not do anything about it, as I did not treat it as weaknesses instead may be it formed part of my own characters.

Now, the Lord tells me that I have to change and be positive and laugh often. And, most of all trying to feel the joy in the midst of my struggles in having faith in Him, focus on gratitude and be positive thinking and learn to laugh my way through the hard time.

I could not agree more that this is definitely and truly from the Lord. He knows what are best for me. I need to repent to Heavenly Father for the things that had blinded my eyes and my ears, and most importantly start to work on it.

This reminds me of one of the scriptures, Ether 12:27 : “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weaknesses. I give unto men weaknesses that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”

Heavenly Father really hears me. He answered my prayers. He knows what have I going through, and all these I have been through right now He wants me to grow to be the daughter He wants me to be.

Heavenly Father knows my talents and potentials. He keep on telling me without fail that - I am daughter of God, that have divine potential that I just need to explore it.

I am so touch and all I need to do now is to work on my weaknesses and walk towards it! I am so grateful for the things He wants me to know and I love Him so so much. I say all these in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Judge Not…

I was studying 3 Nephi Chapter 14 today. It talks about Jesus Christ taught the Nephites about judging others and instructed them to seek blessings from Heavenly Father through prayer.

Who am I to judge another,

When I walk imperfectly?

In the quiet heart is hidden

Sorrow that the eye can’t see

Who am I to judge another?

Lord, I would follow thee.

My heart was touched. I was reflecting on myself: who am I to judge him, especially he is the one I love most in this world? He might be not perfect, and I am imperfect either, I do have a lot of weaknesses especially for as a wife and as a mother.

May be I just merely pass in all the callings I have. It is just happened that his weaknesses unfortunately is may be serious than mine. I am a daughter of God and he is a son of God too. Man do have his pride. I am not in his shoes to judge him, as I do not know and would not understand the challenges and temptations he has been through during we were not by his side.

During I found out that something is suspicious, I was devastated. The first message that Sister Saffron sent to me was something related to this I guess. It was the recent October General Conference talk by Elder Robert C. Gay of the Presidency of the Seventy – “Take upon Ourselves the Name of Jesus Christ”.

The first thing that came into my mind was, “What? Why this message? Is this the right message for me at this moment? Seriously? Right now?” I was ignorant to read the talk, and kept on harboured on my sadness alone. That night, I opened the Gospel Library App and started to listen the talk as I knew that there must be a reason why the message was sent to me at this time.

How does God see? Elder Robert C. Gay addressed it with what had Brigham Young taught:

“I wish to urge upon the Saints... to understand men and women as they are, and not understand them as you are.”

“How often it is said – ‘Such a person has done wrong, and he cannot be a Saint.”... We hear some swear and lie... [or] break the Sabbath... Do not judge such persons, for you do not know the design of the Lord concerning them. ...[Rather,] bear with them.”

I was struck. Was the Spirit asked me to see him as He sees? Savior would not letting anyone of our burdens go unnoticed by Him, this including me and him as well. May be he was struggling with his own weaknesses, but just every time may be he gives in to temptations.

Elder Robert C. Gay said,

“God will work wonders among us as we sanctify ourselves. We sanctify ourselves by purifying our hearts. We purify our hearts as we hear Him, repent of our sins, become converted, and love as He loves. The Savior asked us, “For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye?”

“...Jesus did this so that each of us may always understand that His love is greater than ou fears, our wounds, our addictions, our doubts, our temptations, our sins, our broken families, our depression and anxieties, our chronic illness, our poverty, our abuse, our despair, and our loneliness. He wants all to know there is nothing and no one He is unable to heal and deliver to enduring joy.”

Finally Elder Gay taught that, we must trust Him.

“His grace is sufficient... The message of the woman at the well is that He knows our life situations and that we can always walk with Him no matter where we stand. To her and to each of us, He says, “Whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but [shall have] a well of water springing up into everlasting life.”

Now I think back, I had the almost similar message a year ago when I encountered the same challenge. I felt the Lord was talking to me when I heard the talk by Elder Dale G. Renlund “A Good Shepherd”.

Sometimes, I would wonder how the Spirit works? I am in the midst of my pain and sorrow, and such message seems to be unhealed to me.

I do not know, but one thing I know is only the Lord knows what is best for me. May be He wants me to be a little bit more compassionate and kindness, and that was the qualities I want to increase in my life.

I might understand may be later that, this is how the Lord works on me – small steps at a time. Sometimes those steps are painful, and sometimes they are halting. But those are the small steps that can lead me closer to Him.

Before Sleep

We went to Kuala Lumpur District Conference today, and after we came back to home. It is another Sabbath as usual at home.

Both kids when want to sleep…

Bringing Hope

I felt so stunned when I opened this video notification from the YouTube Mormon Channel. I seldom watch the YouTube when it come from Mormon Channel as I have a thought like as it is for the investigators. But anyhow I am grateful as I had watched it.

Ben Taylor tells of how he listened to his heart and turned the efforts of a presumed scam artist into a chance to help a whole village. “Hello sir my name is Joel I want 4 us to get into some business, if u can get some used Laptop, Computers, Printers, P.A. Sets and other Electronic Devices so dey can b sold faster.”

Ben Taylor heard about these internet scams before and felt he needed to teach the scammer a lesson. So, when he messaged back, little did he know he’d set off a chain of events that would empower an entire village. “Joel I’d like to talk with you about a different business opportunity…if you’re interested.”

Ben lied that he worked in the photography business and collected pictures from around the world. He asked Joel to take some photographs from his part of the world. Joel told him he needed a new camera to take pictures. Would you send someone you’ve never met a camera? Neither would Ben. “Joel, any camera will do, even the camera on your phone.”

“BING!” Joel’s first pictures came through and they were terrible! Maybe Joel really did need a better camera. So, Ben invested in a camera and some basic photography textbooks and shipped them to Joel. As Ben sent the package off to Liberia, he thought it would be the end of their communication, “This guy’s going to sell that camera and make some money and I’ll be out money.”

“BING!” a message from Joel came in a few weeks later. Bing, Bing. More messages with better and better images. Joel took that cheap camera, read the books and began taking really good photographs!

As Joel became a better photographer, Ben made good on his offer and compiled the images of village life in Liberia. Pretty soon Ben had enough good images to publish Joel’s book of photographs. When Ben took to social media and shared the story of their unlikely friendship, they inspired thousands of people, and made $1,000.

Ben and Joel planned to split the money from the book sales. But when Ben learned that $500 was the average earning per year in Liberia, he couldn’t, in good conscience, take his cut. “Give it to a charity or someone in need”, Ben was uncertain whether Joel would really give it to charity or pocket it for himself.

“Bing!” a message from Joel with picture after picture of school children holding new book bags and notebooks. Joel had supplied five local schools with much needed supplies.

Joel told Ben the opportunity to be charitable was one of the best things to come out of their friendship. Ben thought he was going to teach this internet scammer a lesson. But instead he learned the lesson. When you give someone a chance, sometimes they might let you down, or they might just surprise you.

I love the most what Ben was shared in the end of his story telling about this amazing journey of his:

“I think this story shows how prayers works. What Joel really wants and want he earnestly pray for was money. And instead what he got was a cheap camera, but with that camera he was able to inspire hope in million of people and changing his family life.

Sometimes I think instead of giving what you want, God will give you a cheap camera and He will expect you to figure out the rest. And then the journey it all take, will make all the difference.

God will answer prayers but sometimes He would need you to be that answer, my message today is that you should be that answer.

On days when I can’t find God and it seems like He doesn’t hear me and care about me in what is going on in my life, I return to situation a year ago when I know that He thought enough of me to send me a request for help. So take a chance on people, you will find something in your own life that you don’t even know what is missing.”

Instead of struggling what dwell in my own sadness, pains and keep on wondering why this thing happened to me, I should just focus the things that I can do. It is the same message that I feel as the Lord wants me to know.

Clara knows that she herself was her own answer to the path ahead of her in The Nutcracker and the Four Realms as I watched last Saturday. This is the same message that I get from this YouTube video. The Lord repeatedly telling me that I am His daughter. I am the answer of my path ahead. And, He knows that I can manage the trials that in front of me. I indeed feel His presence during the time of need.