A Creation Deer 25 Mar 2012

This is another round of creation by Issac using big block bricks. It is a beautiful deer! I am so proud of him, as such tender young age, he already loves to create something out of scratch!

         

A Moody Monday…

After I sent the kids, I came back home and sat down.

Actual fact, there are so many things I thinking back…

The blue Proton Satria car using my name to get a hire purchase loan, then using by another woman;

All the personal loan using my name too, just because he was unable to get the loan due to his bankruptcy issues, finally he is freed from that, whereby I am still stuck in all the loans applicant and repayment person, he is paying it still;

All these while, I want a better living environment for both kids, he was keeping mentioned that because I am not hygiene enough to take care the house;

All the not coming back because he need to rush the projects things, are all lies, he got another rented apartment with another woman outside, paying her phone bills, paying the rent, the internet, everything and everything, etc.

Just once in a while, buy me a new laptop, a new watch, a new hand phone, a new handbag, a new purse, and I was so excited and happy about it, so appreciate…

And, all these 7 years of marriage, what a hard time he gave me? How he treats another woman? I think I am just a biological mother to his 2 children, for him.

Annabelle is almost 4 1/2 years old now. He is maintaining his relationship with another woman for almost 5 1/2 years. And, according to him, he just settled.

Then, here comes a new one.

Why? Why?

I had been living with a man that I totally do not know at all, am I?

And, where is the man I knew when I was getting marry?

Gosh, what will the children think of their Daddy is a person like that?

Especially Issac, he is very adore his Daddy, and Daddy is a super hero Daddy for him.

I prayed that he will never find this out, because he is such a very sensitive boy and unconfident boy. I have to take more time to shape him out, be a brave and responsible boy.

Last Wednesday until today is the 6th day, I just cannot keep on drowning like that…I will die sooner or later.

I have to think what am I going to do.

Like Lionel said, “Too Yi Peng, these few days I recalled back you are such a great achiever during your schooling time. Please get up. This is your stage! Your ShowTime is NOW!”

THIS IS MY STAGE, I DO NOT ALLOW ANYONE JEOPARDISED MY LIFE STAGE!

AND I AM ON AIR NOW!

Our Playground USJ1 25 Mar 2012

Both of us woke up early in the morning.

He told me he wanted to go to the church St. Ignatius Petaling Jaya around 10:30am. This is the first time he went back after 30 years according to him leaving the Catholic Church.

We had our usual breakfast with the kids at the Factory Food Court nearby our house. During the breakfast, he did not order the food for me, just for the kids.

He just asking something about the buying property can do the withdrawal from the EPF. I did ask him, why is there any interesting property that he looking at? Which area can be invest? He said, it is nothing, just seeing only.

“This thing previously if I bring up to you earlier on, you would never think and consider about it.”

“All these while, you are the kind of person do not want any commitment at all.” He just looked at me and said nothing.

We went to the playground that I went with the children yesterday. Both are so happy. There were no people there as usual, except 2 person. One is walking on the reflexology stone pave, and the other middle aged man is doing the Taichi.

He just walked towards the reflexology stone pave, took off his shoes and walked on it. I am the one who are playing with the kids.

I think Issac knew it, because he kept on asking me to snap photos of him while playing. Annabelle is playing the swings.

After a while, around 9:30am, he told the children went back to the house. Before leaving the playground, Issac was walking towards to the middle aged man, and the middle aged man looked at him and said, “Young boy, you are so lucky and blessed, because your Daddy is bringing you come to the playground.”

At that moment, it is really strikes my heart, thinking: is he listening to whatever that man told our son? I can feel my tears came out from my heart.

We packed a Roti Planta at the mamak stall then we went back home. He took his bath, then went out to Church. Before leaving, I requested a hug from him. he refused to do so…

The children and I just stayed at home playing Lego, then it was around 2:00pm when I wanted to bring them out for the KFC as lunch, the rain started down pour heavily. I just postponed a bit later, then he came back. Never said a word and talked to me, just bring all of us went to KFC.

After the meals, drove us back home. He just packed a few things and go off. Before leaving, he said,” Do you consider whatever I emailed to you?”

“ I just replied to you, didn’t I?”

“So, you just want me to reply to you in the email lah?”

“I do want you to reply me in the email or anything, but I just want to know why now? Earlier on, mentioned that wait for the children to grow up, but suddenly so rush for it?”

He just walked out, when I was asking him where is he going? he said, “Find a comfortable place for me to work lah, I’ll be back when I work till I tired.”

He really do not seeing into my eyes when we are talking. Very annoying looks.

For the first time, I felt so it is an unusual Sunday that normally that we had together with the children. I cried after he went out.

Annabelle and Issac were playing the Lego, they saw it. “Koko, mummy is crying and sad. We do together the high high cake for Mummy,ok? Then, she will feel better.”

She took her just completed Lego and gave it to me, “Mummy, are you feeling better now? ok?” She smiled at me. I looked at Issac, Issac just looked at me with a very quite face…

What a pair of wonderful children I had…

Big Donuts 23 Mar 2012

These two big donuts are actually memo pad. The design itself look so real. Well, these two were bought by the children’s daddy. He said, it look cute thus he bought two for the kids.

                   

The children kind of love it!

A Tea…

I called Huey Fang yesterday, asked for a tea appointment. She said after her court session at Shah Alam finished, she will call me.

After sending kids, I am home. Around 10:30am, Huey Fang called me. We decided to meet somewhere near Sunway Pyramid. Eventually we met in the Starbuck Coffee in the shopping mall.

We have a chat. I am just asking on some of the process of the legal procedures if just in case any divorce occurred. We chatted for almost 2 1/2 hours. We talked about men, their characters, behaviors, thinking, etc. I cried, cried, and again cried…Huey Fang just accompanied me.

We left Sunway Pyramid around 2:00pm, she got to go back to her office, then have an evening class on pursue her study of Law in University Malaya later at 5:30pm.

She asked me to be stronger to go through this…

I back home. Truly, I really unable to work. Fetch both kids, dinner, playing. Then, he came back around 9:30pm, with a very tired look. Took his bath, change clothes, took a few CDs, and the 434 coffee powder, and told me that he need to go back office and work.

He hugged Issac. Then just walked out from the house.

I noticed that he forgot the coffee powder, I called him and said I’ll pass the bottle to him. He just looked at me, said “ Sleep early and take care of the children. Remember to lock the padlock.”

How long am I, together with the children are going to go through this?

My Email…

FROM:

• Ipeng Too

TO:

• Alvin yu Shee thai

Thursday, 22 March 2012, 16:08

Dear,

Like wise, i am calm when i write this. And, this is how i feel...

When i get to know you that time, 10 years back, you are always dressing up as you mentioned, did i ever stop you from dressing up smart?

did i ever stop you from buying the things you like or desire?

Change...truly, i think you are not the only one change, me too.

After we married and having kids, i had stopped smoking... i had stopped drinking beer, liquor...i had even tried my best to adapt all the changes including my own works, from a project exec to become an office purchaser, i even change a job, not to say a dream job but is consider a 'give and take' choice i had to make, that i had to sacrifice my stable income to a lower income but i would have the time to accompany my children. That it is a brand new experience to me. I had left behind activities with friends, family, etc., just to cope with day time jobs, fetching children on time in the evening, talk to them,  play with them, perhaps not enough time to talk, and listen with you more often like we used to be.

I do change a lot, don't you agree?

Both Issac and Annabelle are still young, but Issac is starting to feel it already..

This morning, Issac asked me in the car," Mummy, daddy come back today and sleep?' "Daddy sleeping in the office?" " I love daddy."

Do you know that every night till certain time, Issac is asking about you?

There is a night, just last week, he is asking,

"Mummy, why daddy do not come back and sleep?"

"No, daddy got works to do."

"Mummy, i want Daddy to take care of me."

"Em..why? you don't want mummy take care of you already?" i just smiled at him and said.

"No. I want Mummy and Daddy together take care of me.". Then, he kiss and hugged me.

I do not bring this up to you earlier, is because I do not want you to feel like: family and i are trying to stop you from doing the things you want to do, i.e., your project, part time income to support the family, your company with Ah Heng and Chieng...

Don't you see? He is growing up and starting to feel it. He need a father besides him, grow up together with him.

Earlier on, you did bring up these issues and told me wait for the children to grow up first.

But why now? you want to divorce now? Why now?

Can't you wait until both of them grow up till they finish their collage as you mentioned earlier? Why such a rush and hurry? Is there any legitimate reasons behind this?

Can you tell me a reason why such a rush? Can't you wait for both grow up and then we only talk about it? For Issac and Annabelle sack, can't you wait?

                                      *****               *****                *****

I had been drafted for this email for the past yesterday and today, I had been crying and crying, stop, and again, and again…

Morning, after I had sent both to the school and Teacher Joyce’s house, I can not able to work already. Then, I received a sms from Alison that, today she is meeting Grace and she need the file. I unable to go to the appointment, I just drove to Taman Sea office, joined the SY2 Supervision session for a while, then had a talk with Alison.

Alison advised me to think carefully, should I be continued like this. She did share with me Yvonne's experience, and if possible consult a lawyer on the legal aspect. I cried…I passed on Grace’s file to her.

During the time, Daddy sms me, “Ve you read my email…” Then, I got 2 missed calls from him. I was in the meeting, thus I just sms him back, “Meeting.”

My heart was so pumping so fast that. He is so eagerly to know my answer?

I drove back to the school, as I need to collect the RM100.00 that the government subsidized on the students. I saw him in the class, so quite. I went down to the school book store, unfortunately it is closed.

I came back home to continue my email…

Around 3:30pm, I went back to school again to buy the Issac’s missing Bahasa Malaysia Buku Activiti Jilid 1.

I came back home again, emailed out my consent.

He did not come back tonight…

I can see and feel Issac is very sad, that Daddy did not come back.

“I want to call Daddy…” He asked me.

I called. His Daddy is not picking up the phone. “Daddy not pick up the phone, Daddy sleep already”

I slept beside my boy. I just heard he is saying, “ Daddy said, Daddy will come back.”

My tears was unstoppable when I heard my boy said this… I just turned aside and cried.

Why? Why you have to make your own son like this?

I have to take care of my two little babies with all that I got…

An Heartbroken Email…

FROM:

• Alvin yu Shee thai

TO:

• ipeng ipeng

Wednesday, 21 March 2012, 7:18

Dear,

I won't not know whether what i'm going to say is right or wrong or to do so, but the feeling is right forsure... elderly always advice the feeling never lie...

Dear, we ve been together over many years... and over the years a lot of things happen through us, especially me my life my courrier, and wat makes me realise is that in fact i reconize myself even more clearer then before.  I like dressing up, like getting myself looks younger, like and like more individual social life, but although wat has being changed to me, kids are always the first part of me... of course very lucky that u got your dream job works on and free arrangeable time to look after kids... in fact u are a good mothre and lady (honestly) but i m the one which fail to acting myself be a good husband.. this statement i m not telling me having affair and affected us no please don get it wrong, is simply i read my self clearer then before like i choosen roman catholic going back where i belongs why cause reason of papa, my guardian past away already i need a spiritual guardian i need a religion to live with... not affected by anyone except myself.. similar to what i felt myself in fact not a good husband, but a good father only..

I propose don affect kids life and let them happily live at a happlily atmosphere, but us i suggest to divorce, but still friend, all this family responsibility still on me as usual but there will be a room for me to see and look forward of my future... home wise i just ask for living room sofa, relationship i will still be kids super hero father and till they are 15 i will slowly explain to them, if if if they dislike me by then i got no choice, but i forsee might be the possitive side, between u and me can't be a pair of couple also no need to become enemy, i will still care of you that will make us a very good friend, ya..

I know not a message able to chat through the toughs but be honest their never an affair which affecting us, is completely myself and my feeling and of wat i see myself.. Those history of sms you see in those phone haha all gone all settle i rather single and think of wat i like then getting another issue to kill me.... well after u have read this message don panic ok arrange a time we need to talk through it...

go now cheers... ok

         *****                  *****                   *****

This is the email that he just threw like that?

I feel a bit odd that he mentioned he would like to go back to the Roman Catholic last night… I just shared with him the thoughts and founding's I have with the YouTube about the Buddhism teachings.

I cannot help myself but pouring out my tears after I had sent both Issac and Annabelle to school and Teacher Joyce’s house.

I went back home and cried…I can feel my heart is etching and bleeding…after all this years…I still cannot uphold and protect my family? my 2 little babies?

I drove to Aunt Jasmine’s house and sat quite a long time…

What should I do?

He told me that his previous relationship with the Thai massage girl had gone, just settled. Eventually, I found out later that he is starting to fall in love with a sales executive which I think would be become his project supplier or contractor…almost meeting up everyday..she is 27 years old, 10 years younger than me. She is a Roman Catholic.

The man I had lived for almost 10 years, just would not change his character.

Divorce?

I guess he got no feelings towards me except just for the kids sack.

I really hope I can calm down and think what I really want? Am I going to live on like this for the rest of my life?

I love him..if I do not love him, I guess I would not feel so sad and heartbreaking. But, really, what is love to him?

He came back tonight. I just pretended nothing happened. He looked tired and avoiding me. Very annoying looks when I wanted to talk to him. After 10 years, am I so…?