Guilt?

Surprisingly tonight he came back, while I was writing this blog. The time is around 9:30pm. The children were watching the Cartoon Network channel. He looked tired. I thought today he would not come back, as tonight is Friday night. It had been so many Friday nights that he never comes home already. This afternoon, he came back home and took his car and a luggage bag already. Next week, he will be

He took his bath and said want to sleep early, and he said he wanted to sleep inside the bedroom. He slept in the Queen size bed. After watching the cartoon, I asked the children to sleep as Issac tomorrow have to go to school for the holiday replacement day.

He whispered and asked me, can he hugged me and sleep. I just replied, “Can I do not want? I have to make myself used to it, sooner or later.” He even slept more closer to me…

“Today, I got meeting. Azizi had resigned from SAFF Builders but Brother Andrew promoted promoted the whole of SAFF Builders to higher position,” He said in subtle way. He is quite upset as Brother Andrew did  not promote him instead he promoted those of them are not qualified as he is. He told that, actually Brother Andrew would like to have a dinner with him tonight, but he declined.

I said, “probably Brother Andrew wanted to tell him the reason why he is doing that, probably I do not know how to talk, but there is nothing that you cannot discuss or talk to your brother, because you are brothers.”

“I know, working with him is not easy especially his way of working, but just do not pressure yourself too much, and it is a job. Just make it thru, then that is another project profile for you already.”

He holding my hand, hugged me, his face was closer to my face and hugged me.

“If in future, you have find someone you love and even you will have the family with kids. The first thing I might think off, for sure it would not be fair for these 2 kids. But, eventually, when you have another family, please do not give up if facing difficulties, because you will feel sorry if you do that, like you are letting us go now.”

He said, “If I had found someone, I will let you know ya,”

“No need,” I said in lower tone. “But I got a feeling like you are actually found one already.”

“You will change, I know because you have believe in God.” I sat up in the bed. “I must change too for betterment…I feel sucks…”

He just pated on my back.

When I laid down, he slept more closer to me. He hugged me…kissed me…I tried to push him away…but he is too strong…He touched me at my nipple…my arms…and want to make love with me…I just keep on struggling…He just make love with me…I can feel his lips on my lips, on my nipples, on my face, all over me…at one moment, I felt so relaxed and felt beloved by him…I know it was not long and true feelings from him. I really miss that, how we making love once and long time ago.

I sat up and said, “Why are you doing that? We are going to sign the papers already. You will make me feel awful only, as for the past 1 month, I feel suffer already.” I looked at him. He looked so guilty? I do not know.

My love for him, I do not know…may be times will tell…

「心小了，所有的小事就大了；
心大了，所有的大事都小了；
看淡世事滄桑，内心安然無恙。」

The Day He Came Back from China…

Today 19th April 2012, Thursday is the day he came back from China. I called him around 5:00pm, just to confirm the appointment to go to his lawyer’s office, as I would like to postpone the appointment to the afternoon, need to go meet the Building Manager at Horizon I.

He picked up the phone and quickly replied me that he was just arrived and the flight had been delayed. He said tomorrow he got 2 meetings in the morning and in the afternoon, and he has not called the lawyer and fix the appointment yet. He will call to confirm.

I think there must be his girl friend fetched him from LCCT and do not know go where. Surely, I do not think he went back to site. He did not come back home.

I do not know why, but it seems like this week I am a bit suffered than last week, and I cannot help myself but thinking back the past. Why? Especially, when I want to fetch Issac from school time, I just can’t help myself, my nose will be red, and my tears will keep on rolling down from my eyes. In fact, this week I am really tired… Why I still care?

看穿但不說穿。

很多事情，

自己心裡有數就好了，

不一定得說出來。

Three of Us…

Actually, yesterday was ‘considered a good day’ for me. I think and hope by the incidents happened between me and Issac, the ties between us can become a bit closer.

Issac actually had forgotten to bring back his water tumbler the day before, thus I got him to take another purple colour water tumbler spare one as I am using it to store the cold water in the fridge. Yesterday, he managed to find his own blue one, then he had threw the purple one in the school.

I told him, “Issac, please do not simply throw things such as the water tumbler, you have to ask Mummy first, because the water tumbler need money to buy,” Probably, at that point of time, I had been spoken too much, I had made him not happy and felt angry to me.

I was so angry, then I just drove home, and asked him to take a bath first, before we went to Teacher Yu Win’s class. He was crying all the way, crying heart out loud, and kept on calling his Daddy…

I took him out from the bathroom and covered with the towel. Changing his clothing, and asked him lay on the sofa.

I talked to him, “Issac, you are very scared and angry Mummy, is it?” He just nodded his head.

“Why? Is it because you scared Mummy will beat you, when your water tumbler get missing?” He nodded his head again.

“Issac, you know these few weeks, Mummy is a bit sad and not happy, is it?” He nodded his head and looked at me.

“I know you are sad in here, because Daddy seldom come back, is it?” I touched his chest and asked him. He nodded again.

“Mummy is feeling sad too, that is why sometimes Mummy feeling no good. But, Mummy is always here for you, if you want to talk to me or want to cry, ok? Now, most of the time, three of us, Issac, Annabelle and Mummy, we have to take care of ourselves, we have to learn for each other,ok?”

He looked at me, and said, “ Sorry, Mummy” and hugged me. Both of us hugged together and cried.

I feel so sorry for my son, he has to go thru this at his young age like this. I really wish and pray for our better future ahead, three of us…

The Morning He Leaving to China…

This morning I woke up around 2:00am, he was awake, took his bath, changing the cloth and get ready to go to airport already. Then, I heard our house main door opened and the sliding door sound. He just walked out, I thought it must be sometimes before he came inside the house, as I was awaked by the noise again, especially in this quite hours.

He walked in the bedroom, looked at Annabelle and Issac before he was going to leave the house. I just asked him, as I thought he was gone already because I heard the door sound. He said, he was going to car to take something.

Then, he just sat on our bed and tried to squeeze a place for himself and want to get some sleep. I just slept close to Annabelle. He was sleeping closing to me, and put his arm over my body. I let him and I tried to rest tight onto his arm too. I feel so stone and tight.

He was holding my hand and keep on circulating on my palm. I said softly, “I was old already. You are holding on a rough arm, I am not as young as before.” He just whispered into my ear, “No, you still have your charm.” His another hand touching my leg, then he was kissing me. I let him kissed but I just closed my lips.

I tried to push him away, and asked him,”What is wrong with you today? Are you alright? There must be something wrong with you today that you are behaving like this.”

We were standing at the living room. He looked at me sadly. Is he feeling guilty for what he had done to us? He hugged me. My both arms were crossing over in front of me.

“You are doing this, is it because I am willing to sign the divorce paper with you?” I was smile in a bitter way while saying this. He looked at me with his sad face. Holding my both arms behind him, and hugged me again.

It was started to rain heavily. Brother Andrew came. I just accompanied to the car with the umbrella. Brother Andrew saw me and greeted me, asking about the children and myself. I just told him we are doing fine. 

I watched him leaving inside the car to the LCCT Airport..

Why he was acting like that? Is it the feelings of guilty or love? I think there is no more love for him to me already…His heart already has no room for me, but another woman is living inside there.

Deep down bottom my heart, I guess this was probably the last and closest physical touch that we had as a husband and wife.

God, please give me the strength so that I can forgive him for what he had done to us and our life…And, still a need the strength to put through all this piece and pieces road ahead.

你永遠不會知道自己有多堅強
直到堅強是你唯一的選擇。

Email to a Friend…

最使人疲憊的往往不是道路的遙遠，而是你心中的鬱悶；
最使人頹廢的往往不是前途的坎坷，而是你自信的喪失；
最使人痛苦的往往不是生活的不幸，而是你希望的破滅；
最使人絕望的往往不是挫折的打擊，而是你心靈的死亡；
凡事看淡一些，心放開一點，一切都會慢慢變好

Tonight he came back early, 10:30pm because tomorrow morning he is catching an early flight to Guangzhou, China for a business trip. His Boss Raymond and Brother Andrew asked him to go, to check on the supplier or manufacturer’s factory on some building materials.

I asked the children to sleep early, as their Daddy wanted to sleep early and rest early too. So happened that, Issac did not take his water tumbler to school today, and did not drink the water whole day. His body felt a bit heaty and forehead got fever like that. He was so angry and shouted at me, why am I did not bring the son go and visit the doctor.

I told him, he did not drink the water for the whole afternoon, that is why he is a bit heaty and fever like. I gave Issac the pink colour paracetamol then asked him to sleep inside the room, instead of outside living room with his Daddy.

His Daddy’s face was really does not like, and hate face, as I am not doing my job as a mother. In my heart I am thinking and wondering, “Do you really do your job, as a father too? Care for them?”

I feel sad. I sleep early, as I tired too…

 

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Sunday, 15 April 2012, 22:41

Hi,

U see the subject tittle, u might know why i am writing to u already. Yes, Alvin and i are on the path on going thru it.

It has been 5 years since his affair incidents. I did not realize is that i had planted a seed of hatred and revenge deep inside his heart for all these while. It seems like he is keeping his relationship with the Thai girl friend ever since that. He came back only 3 to 4 days a week (he told me that he is busy all the while and need a room rented outside to do his project things, because when he comes back to home every time, the children are noisy, and he cannot concentrate his works) until last year August, i discover it through his hand phone sms, then we had a quarrel. He said he will settle it.

Eventually, he had settled it. Early this year, one week before Chinese new year, his dad passed away. His temper going worse. Everything i did cannot suit his taste. But, it is still not so bad, because he got come back home. Till last month, suddenly one night 20/3/2012, he told me that he will goes back to his Roman Catholic Church, then 2nd day i received an email from him asked for a divorce. There are many reasons he is given, but to me all those is excuses. Finally, i checked and called his friend, then i knew he is falling in love with a young lady younger than him 12 years at her 28 years old, and she is a Christian. He told that lady, he is a divorcee with 2 children.

He just denied that there is 3rd person in our marriage. But, i got the whole written proof of their emails, blog. He told his family that, he is punishing me for divorce of my misfit of being a wife, lazy, doing the household cleaning works not clean, and how i had treated him 5 years ago for letting all my family members know about his affair, and how my father insulted him. And, to him, it is a nightmare that he starting to think of revenge to me.

I chosen to come back and want to pick up the pieces together with him, and hope i can at least save my family...but all these while i have been hated by someone once i really love with. Friends asked me to tell his family the truth on these 5 years how i have been thru. But, what can i do now? If i tell that lady the truth, he and she will be suffered too, as they are deeply madly in love. Ever since he tell me the divorce, he is not coming back home. Once in a while, come back late 11.30pm or 12 midnight, whereby the children are asleep and second day he goes to work early. The children never see him properly or spending time with him.

I know every family love their sons and daughter, i know it better because now i am a mother. They would not trust me, as i myself too, quite unbelievable when i found out all these years what he had done to me. He is change. I decided to tell his family about it when the court officially announce the clearance.

He give the custody of 2 children to me. He wrote to his family that, his relationship with his kids is even closer than me, and he will give them a happy childhood. Bal, i do not know, at home i always be the bad guy when it comes to teach the children. What i appreciate the most, is actually the process of being there with them, is not all the monetary or things or expensive food where i can buy for them.

Both of them are starting to feel the presence of their father is not always there...I have to go thru together with them...

Well, he is giving me for the first 2 years alimony of rm2,800 per month, then 2 years after rm2600, then decrease to rm2300 till the kids grown up to 18 years old. I know the alimony is a bit less, because he lump in the personal loans that he loan under my name during his bankruptcy time. His name had been cleared just this year. Sad thing to know that he had planned for this all these years. I just want this thing put thru fast, as me and him really cannot be together already, and i have my life ahead with both my 5 years and 7 years old kids.

Tell u the truth is if u say i am not love him, i think my love for him still there, just there is no road in front of us and we cannot walk down together already. 10 years of relationship for me is very precious, but for him is a torture i think. i really do not know what to say...i thought marriage really is a most wonderful thing, and walking together till the end i knew is not easy, there will be a lot of anger, arguments, tears, misunderstanding, of coarse there will be laughter, joyful, happiness, etc. What i feel disappointed is he at the age of 39, he willing to let go this family, and start a new one, and telling me that he got no more feelings towards me already...

Just to let u know as u are watching us walking from the start and now...

Send my regards to your family..hope to catch up with u when your next trip back here.

Regards,

Ipeng

Mummy, Don’t Cry…Be Brave…

Three of us were getting used to be sleep at our queen size bed.

We were so tired that, after our Musikgarten class, we came back just went to sleep after I washed and hang all the cloths.

Eventually, today after I had fetched Issac after school, both of us had a some sort of arguments inside the car.

I was laying on the bed, Issac was sleeping besides me as usual, he told me, “Mummy, don’t cry…be brave ya…Mummy,”

I was looking at my lovely son, my heart was feeling warm and touched. He is such an understanding boy. He might guessed what was happening in the house, and always try his best to calm his sad Mummy.

Oh God, can you show it to his Daddy how he got both very understanding children?

I wish, he can see his children from my eyes, feels them as like what I feel. Both of them really do not deserve to go thru this…

Brother Reply…

Yesterday morning, before the children and I went out for our Teacher Grace Art Class, papa came and see how am I doing.

I told papa, “ It is really not easy to forget a person, because we had been together for almost 10 years. I still got the love for him, even he does not have it to me anymore.”

He encouraged me to divorce, since he is the one who asked for it. He told me, “ I will not see wrong people one, probably I will not have the chance to see it, you might see it, then only that time you tell me.”

“ You will only get a better life after you divorce with him, he would not give you the happiness you want or desire. Just be brave, walk out from your marriage and bring up your children together. Teach them to be a better person.”

「忘」比「記」難多了，
「記」是聰明;

「忘」是智慧，是修養。

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This is Brother reply on his email…

Sent: Saturday, 7 April 2012 1:05 PM
Subject: Re: personel matters.

Hi Vin,

I have been reading over and over your second email from last night and I cannot help but try to understand the feelings of hatred in your heart and your dire need for vengeance on Ipeng for what she did to you.  I know we are all in no position to tell you what to do and what's best for you in your own life.  But as your brother I need to advise you this.  While you admit it's your own fault for having created the affair five years ago, as an outsider looking into the issue Ican say that I understand how Ipeng felt at the time when she found out, why she could leave you at your most difficult time and why she chose to ignore your pleas for her to forgive you.  Believe me I have been through that myself, brother although slightly different situation..but i know the feeling of being abandoned and stooping very, very low to ask for forgiveness over and over again..and the feeling of wanting to take revenge for the humiliation faced by you for having to bow down so very low begging for forgiveness.  Hence, I know how you must have felt and how you must feel now.

But Vin, for me over last year I looked and searched deep into myself.  I went through counseling sessions not because I wanted to save my marriage but because I wanted to understand who I really am and I sincerely wanted to cure myself, my ways of life and my misdeeds.  I have come to learn that calling myself a "bad person" is not going to help me at all because that means I am never going to  forgive myself.  I was advised by the Christian fellowship counselor that the first thing I must do is to learn to forgive myself.   Once I do that then I am to quickly learn ways to amend my ways and my outlook on life in general.  Not everyone around you have the time to understand you cos everyone have their own problems let alone share yours.  We all become selfish in this way, and that is indeed very sad but true.  However, I learned to be less selfish and not to always think of myself.  I began to put myself in other people's shoes, and try and think how they see things.  This is very difficult as sometimes you feel it's a waste of time, better just to concentrate on prioritizing yourself and not others.  But then you must realize you cannot build up your life on your own, but along the way you will need others to support you, guide you along.  And like it or not, believe me when I say your very own family is the main pillar of your success, Vin.  Without your family, you will always feel lonely and dejected.  Any friend, no matter how close they are to you or how special they make you feel cannot compare to the love and support that your wife and your children give you.  I may not know how Ipeng is treating you now or if she has been punishing you all these years for what you did.  But punishing each one another is certainly not a way to live, completely meaningless when you have to bear such hatred and carry such a heavy load on your shoulders every day.  Don't you think you will feel so much better if you could throw away all the unhappy thoughts and feelings of hatred, jealousy, vengeance & etc, etc., and just live life without such unproductive and unnecessary disturbances?? For me that is how I am facing life these days, taking it easy one day at a time.  I have begun to learn what it is to love my wife again, how to feel for her, how to see myself through her eyes, and how to forgive myself when she gets angry at me for no apparent reason.  Bro, believe me when I say a woman never forgets things especially unhappy events and they will turn super-defensive in order to protect their own rights and security (which is No.1 worry for any woman).  It is futile to think that a woman can think and behave like a man, same thing if you think a man can stand to have monthly menstrual period!  I tell you honestly if God made Man to suffer MP every month, there will be so many killings and murders in this world cos Man can never handle the mental and physical pains that a Woman goes every month!  So what I'm saying is we need to strike a balance in life.

Ipeng needs to forgive herself as well before she can forgive you.  Everyone needs forgiveness, but forgiving oneself is sometimes the most difficult and most misunderstood task in this life.  I advise you both to go for marriage counseling, and you Vin to go for religious counseling.  From the years of knowing you and your character, I implore that you must change your attitude towards life.  You must firstly learn to control your temper - Always remember, a person rules not by fear but through respect from others.  Then you need to learn how to listen to others.  Give people the time and space to voice their opinions no matter how stupid you may think they are.  Always remember, if everyone is as smart as you think you are, then you are already out of your job.  Do not cut off people mid-way as you would like others to also hear you out completely.  Respect everyone, and do onto others what you wish others to do in return.  One last thing and this is from my observation, you will need to control your spending.  Do not be overzealous, spend within your means.  Always have a clear distinction between what is termed as a "Need" and what is only a "Want".  Food on the table is a "Need" whereas a pair of Levis 501 jeans is only a "Want".

You asked me not to mention anything to anyone about what we discussed at Starbucks Midvalley and I've kept my promise, on the premise that you would change your mind after my simple advice.  I now regret it cos I should have discussed with our Sis on the matter, perhaps we could have jointly advised you against doing anything irrational.  You should not dissociate yourself from this family, we are always here for you no matter what.  You should also never abandon Ta-Koko, especially in this time when he needs you most by his side at work.  Ta-Koko has tried his level best to bring you up to where you are today, please do not forget Koko's good deeds and those who have helped you along the way..be grateful and not take people for granted.  Please do not threaten Koko to resign, that will only make things worse than they already are.  Be smart in your decisions, open your eyes and ears to the world, do not think you are always smart and able to take care of yourself.  If you think you are above all others, then you might as well call yourself "God" but you cannot.   Last but not least, go home and do not stay outside anymore.  Your children need you, not 20 or 30% of the time, but 100% always.  Ipeng will need you too..like I said before, you need to talk things out between the 2 of you.  Perhaps Ipeng is not willing to do the things you asked of her because she too is thinking of vengeance.  The 2 of you must stop this now!  Even if divorce is final, you need to clear whatever grudges and hatred between you two.  There is no worse fear than the uncertain feeling of what the other person may do to you out of hatred and vengeance, you do not want to live in worry and fear everyday! For the sake of the once love you both had for each other, we implore you two to please work things out.  Your children may be a burden now when they are small, but when they are grown up and become more independent you will miss them even more.  Do not think the whole world owes you and that everyone should change to understand you and accept you for who you are.  You need to make that first change in yourself and let he world accept you, Vin.

Ok Bro, I think I have gone on for too long already.  I have much more to say, but will stop here for now. I am not good at verbal communication as I am poor in Mandarin, but I do hope you can understand what I have written here today.  I do hope something somewhere will tough your heart..somehow.  Do not let your heart turn to stone, brother..you do not want to go on in this world all by yourself.  We are all here for you, but only if you will let us help you.  Mum is now even more saddened by your situation, please call and talk to her even if it is just to ask her how she is doing.  Remember Mum always, pray for her health.  She cannot take another heart wrenching event after the loss of Papa..she needs to know we are all ok so please do not disappoint her and always assure her that you guys are doing alright in life.

I most welcome your reply Vin, and hope I can somehow persuade you to stop your divorce from becoming a reality.  Talk things over, if you need to come home and we'll discuss it face-to-face.  We are here for you always. Meantime, please take good care of yourself..stay well always, brother..

Siaw-Koko