Issac’s Heart

One day, Issac was drawing on a piece of paper. He showed it to me after he had done.

I was so touched and wanted to cry… Even though he is only 8 years old, he is so observant and really take care of his mum.

The girl in the centre is me. He wants me to become a cheerful person that smiles and be happy.

He do not wish me to become an angry person all the times. I noticed that he drew a devil heart with the cross on it and an angel heart with a tick on it.

This is what he thinks and hopes for me. Speechless…He knows all my suffers and angers, but he wants me to be a lovely mother that accompany them grow up…

Determination

Last night I was so tired that I slept early together with the children. I heard the sound of the doors and I knew that he was back last night. He just walked to the next bedroom. I can hear he was on a tele-conversation. Perhaps with Nicole? I can felt my heartache so deep, but what can I do other than that?

I still do not understand, why till now I am still the one whom cannot let go? No one loves me any more, why I have to still cling on? This evening, he told me that tomorrow he will go to another church. I can not but to ask him, “Is Nicole coming along with you?”.

After hearing my question, his tempered suddenly came and told me off at the face said, “ I am telling you one more time. I am coming back is not because of you, but is because of the children. Moreover, it is impossible that I will love you any more and we cannot be together again! Please remember this!”

After which he was there keep on mumbling and scolding… He really do not have any conscience at all and do not respect me at all. My pride had been stepped by him under his feet. Perhaps he already forgotten about how he asked me to use my credit card to pay his own new furniture for his new home just few months ago… after he got what he wanted he would just kick you aside. What and how worst one character one can become? I have seen it in him.

I do not want to think about him anymore, but to just concentrate and focus on what I supposed to do:

• Help the children to do well in their studies, let the children have a healthy mummy.

• Help the children to walk out from the impact of my divorce.

• Be my children’s best friend.

• Having a good habit and healthy life style, because this will influence my children too.

• I would want to buy a house that better than the current one we stay.

• In order to do the above, I need to pick up whatever I left on Prudential business too.

Start Anew…

This morning 10.30am I had a meeting with Alison. I just keep her update what is my personal situation now, and she shared with me that one of her client suffered the same and how she managed to walk out from her divorce shadow.

The lady is quite a tough woman, with 2 children and she took over the audio sound system business from her ex-husband and restart her life all over again.From a timid woman turn into a working and beautiful lady.

Agnes came in for a while, and Alison shared with me that Agnes too, previously was really different from who is she now.

I shared with Alison that things that I would want to do this year:

• Help the children to do well in their studies, let the children have a healthy mummy.
• Help the children to walk out from the impact of my divorce.
• Be my children’s best friend.
• Having a good habit and healthy life style, because this will influence my children too.
• I would want to buy a house that better than the current one we stay.
• In order to do the above, I need to pick up whatever I left on Prudential business too.

Everything is Well…

It has been almost a week I have the home-schooling session with Issac now, and I can see some results. It is good that to see Issac started to have more confidence to himself.

There is still some challenges for us, because at the same time we have to cope with his current Primary 2 syllabus as well.

Alvin called today. He told me that he had been employed by DB&B, and he is so happy. I congratulated him, and told him that, may be this is a good thing for him either for his career wise or personal wise.

Currently, he is working with Brother Andrew and sometimes I think it is normal that arguments or disagreement would occurred between both of them.

If both of the siblings do not work in the same office, may be their relationship would be better after all.

The company he would join is located at Jalan Gurney Kuala Lumpur, and it is a Bumi company. He can start work any time.

It is a good thing that he told me about this, at least…

Tonight he did not come back either… I really have to let go of him and from my life.

Learning Issac…

Last night at around 11.00pm, he came back. His fingers got hurt and bleeding. I do not know why.

It was the time when both children were sleeping. He did not say a thing, just went to bed.

I am now drinking the red wine that once both of us bought together. I called him just now, he was in the Karaoke session with his sub-contractors friends.

He told me, he is very happy today. Then, no more words from him. He is not coming back tonight.

These few days, I can sensed that he is starting to distance himself from us, and slowly detach himself from our life. Is this a good thing? Probably would be good for both of us and the children too?

I had started to review and study together with Issac these few days.

I bought a few Primary 1 and Primary 2 workbooks, so that we can do the extra workbooks together, at least can catch up his studies in school.

Last year I do not had any energy and mind at all after Alvin and I had divorced.

So, now I have to ‘heal’ my son and myself… we can walk out from this… yes, I know we can.

Start A New…

I had been crying in the office for the whole morning, it was due to Issac’s studies in the school. For the past 1 year, our divorce had been affected him badly, especially in his study.

Issac is lack of confidence of little boy. Due to Alvin and I, it had been affected him negatively – physically and psychologically.

I know that, I am the one whom affect him directly, because he can feel my emotional and disappointments. This will influenced him in some of the ways.

It is up to me, that how should I mould him and growing up in the unhappy environments or in a happy and healthy environments?

For this year, I should focus on the followings:

1. I must be happy! Because if I am happy, my children would be happy too!
2. I must be self-discipline! I have to make a change to my own self, and change my old bad habits, because I set an example to my children.
3. I want to grow up together with Issac and Annabelle! I would walk down the path, no matter how difficult and hard the road ahead me! Study with them together everyday, spend some time with them.
4. I want to set a goal – buy a bigger house than what we stay now! Let both children to know this goal and we can achieve it together.
5. Start doing my Prudential insurance and achieve 60,000TPC.

I really do not want to think other matters anymore. Today is so blue.

I do not know why I have to go through this with Alvin again and again, after our divorce this whole year?

May be God wants me to walk the same path again, to learn something which I did not learn or unlearn again earlier on, in order to become a more “perfect” me?

Sleepless Night

I am puzzled about what had happened last night. May be this is the reason why I went to the fortune teller at Jalan Ipoh this morning.

I was thinking of want to ask for advice about the relationship between Alvin and I, what would happened to us this year? and of coarse at the same time, get to know the forecast of this year?

The sad thing  is sometimes God doesn’t give you what you think you want… I have been waiting at the small waiting area at the first floor for nearly 2 hours, still not yet my turn to meet the fortune teller.

I have no choice but have to leave the place, as I have to go to Clearwater Residence for the coordination job. Just like that! I had been running up and down, rushing here and there, but end up did not manage to clear my doubts and questions in my mind and heart.

I was so depressed the whole night. After the kids were soundly sleeping in their beds, I walked out to the living room and sat down alone. Crying…and crying…felt so helpless…and upset…disappointed…

I do not understand, why until till now I would still shed my tears because of him? It is going to be 1 year since the day he asked for divorce and separation.

He had been made it clear to me that, we would not have any chance to being together again. Why? Still I am the one whom cannot let go?

I have to learn to let go of you! Even though you are everything to me!