A Tiring Thursday…

For the whole day, I had been thinking and crying ever since I had sent the children go to school…

Thinking of his decision…

Thinking of our past…

Thinking of our children…

Thinking of our withering love…

Thinking of his new blossomed love with another woman…

I drove down to Kota Kemuning.

Have a heartfelt cries.

Have a quite moment to think what am I going to do next.

The past few weeks of new love for him, he is going to scarifies his own family for his so called true love.

Divorce…is a word I would not think about it all these while, especially with the 2 lovely kids. This is not the first time, but is the second time. I do not have a lot of 10 years. Our relationship from start till now, it had been together for almost 10 years…

I felt so confused. I think definitely divorce is the answer…just how? Peacefully or Dramatically? Some how or rather, I really feel and hope that it is not true. But, the fact is, he is as cold as ice and really do not like previously anymore.

I left Kota Kemuning around 4:30pm. My car radiator temperature shoot up, I stopped by a car workshop, the mechanics found out that one of the pipe is leaking. Not time to waste and repair, I just requested a bottle of water in order just in case, during the journey back to home, it would not spoilt and break down. Eventually, I reached home safely, managed to fetch 2 kids back home.

I am not a Christian, but I do believe in God or the Creator. For this past week, while I was facing my difficult emotional time, some how or rather, I knew there is someone up there watching over me, I do not know is who, but I feel blessed. I hope I can and able to walk over this calmly and wisely, as I knew the road ahead is not a smooth or easy path…

A Withering Wednesday… A Withering Love…

Yesterday before he came back home, I had emailed to him:

FROM:

• Ipeng Too

TO:

• Alvin yu Shee thai

Tuesday, 27 March 2012, 15:02

Dear,

I have read your sms this morning...

You mentioned, about your feelings and the satisfactions, with the companion of God by your side, even though it is a tough night, you have and had went tru it...

I feel blessed that you enjoyed your works even in this very under pressure working environment, and yes God did hear you.

You said, Kids are growing everyday..

Yes, it is true.

And their expenditure are getting higher and higher and you do feel the same on your responsibilities to this family..

I understand.

All these years, I never stop you from chasing your dreams or the things you wanted to do, did I?

Motor Cycling?

Photography?

Religion Belief?

You did mention to me before that one night, you will probably join Taisei. I do know about it, because this will probably your another stepping stone, as Taisei is an international firm, i would feel happy too, if you can join them one day. A giant leap for your career. Posting to the overseas projects would gain you more experiences, and you are able to see, feel, talk to the different levels, nation of people, etc. A brand new experiences for you and your profile.

By that time, i would not stop you, because this is what a responsible man would do, to protect his own family.

When you are not around...

I would take care of our lovely kids at our home, here..

You asked me, tried to understand you, you will have to concentrate in work. I do and I did, for all these years...

My mind is very clear now, and glad, and blessed that you mentioned to me that your previous relationships with others had come to an end.

I did tell you, I do believe in God or Creator, did I?

That is why i feel bless now...

God have shown to me: His Love to my children and my family...He would not want our family to break up...

If the children and the family future is always your 1st priority, as you sms to me...you had made me wonder why a paper of separation is so important to you now and, so suddenly?

Just for the love to the children, please do not ask me to divorce...

Love,

Wife Nini

             *****                     *****                   *****

He came back late, around 1:30am. He watched the TV outside the living room. I walked out, actually my just want to accompany him, that is what really my heart wanted to do…

He told me…His decision on the divorce, for him, he wants it. He got no feelings towards me already. He had been thinking about it since last December, just how to tell me, in order we can still be friends, and the children will not affected. He still care and responsible for this family, the monthly expenses, etc. He just requested to come back and sleep at the sofa in the living room. He still can come back and see the kids.

I asked him, why suddenly the paper of separation is so important to him now?

He said, now he is age 40. Before age 30, he was thinking of does not want children; after age 30, he was thinking of want the children; and now, age 40 he feels like do not want a commitment, but it does not mean that he is not responsible for this family.

I told him, “I knew you, unless you do have another woman in your heart, unless the divorce means nothing compare to all the things you mentioned to me,”

“You do not deny, aren’t you?”

“I do not deny, doesn’t mean I have to admit. If I admit will make you feel happy, then I admit just to make you feel happy.” He continued, “And, I do not want to wait until I have find someone I love, then only I ask you for the divorce, I rather do it now, while I am clean.”

Then, he started to bring out all those past history, I ran back to Segamat with Issac, and left him only RM2,000 for the Chinese New Year during 2007; how my father insulted him; and he told me, if all those things did not happen before, our relationships would not end up like today. And, I am the cause of today’s divorce. He spoke to me angrily and just laid down on the sofa and sleep.

I told him with tears, “ There is sometimes, when I think back the past, or if one day, we do come to the day we end our relationships, I would like to apologies to you on that incidents, or may be I do not know how to handle the situation, causing you probably had done all those things out,”

“No, because I am the one who did wrong first,” He replied me coldly.

Before I went to sleep, he told me that, he had told brother Ambrose about the divorce thing, and he is agreed too. And, by this month he went back to Kuching, he’ll tell and inform the family about his decision.

I just said, “You are always the one who is doing the ‘filling’ first,”

“I would not wait until you go and inform the whole family,” He said.

He does not know, that I knew what is going on in his relationships now. And those words which came out from his mouth, really incompatible with what he is saying…

And, breaks my heart too…after all these years…

Broken Trophy 28 Mar 2012

This is Annabelle’s 3 Years Old trophy from Tadika Brainchild for the Most Helpful in her 3 Love 1 class. It was actually a surprise to me, as she was always a pampered girl kind of kid. Always throwing her tantrums and likes to scream. She is vice-versa in the school which is so totally different in the home. I was very pleased when got to know that she got this prize!

Daddy accidently crashed into the low cabinet and her trophy dropped on the floor and broken into 3 pieces. He was rushing out to go out from the house at night. And, he did not bother to take a lot of what he was accidentally dropped. I was really so mad and angry, because this is Annabelle’s first ever trophy!

A Torturing Tuesday… the Truth…

I received his SMS this morning as early as 3:45am. It was so happened that I had a stomachache and I have to wake up and go to the toilet. Frankly, the past whole week, I did not even have a good sleep at all….

“I m still at site working hehe tonight extreme energetic not feel sleepy at all work with my smoke pipe, which I realize this my life free n committed with work..satisfaction n I thing this is wat I want finally, with god always with me supporting me..ni separation doesn’t mean we ve to be enemy u know too long attaching I think is time to cool dn n ve both some dreams n freedom..kids growing up day by day, capitalizing getting heavy…

I will still commit to d responsibility of d family only I nd more concentration to wk one day I may join Taisei flying oversea project u n kids ve to get use where I m not around ni pls understand me don bush around thought affair issue…I m clean n kids n u future still my 1st priority if although we separated… tq…”

For this past whole week, I am not really in the conditions of working. I really wish my interior design project with Jessie and Yeap can quickly come in, thus I still can make my mind clear.

I am home writing blog, then I suddenly saw the children iPad lay on the bed, just take on and play on it. I incidentally opened the email tab, I found out that, under the sent column, there are 2 emails heading indicated is a love email written from my husband to the lady…Suddenly it disappeared as I was unable to retrieve it and read on. I think he must be suspect something, that he erased all the records of his email. I saw it, one of it even using the wording in the bible to quote it.

My Gosh!! Then, what is the sms he message me about?

A great liar, he had been cheated me for more than 5 1/2 years…

If there is really a God up there, please send your sign to support me…I really do not know how long it will take…It seems like every seconds, minutes, hours, days and nights, I am the one who are suffering? Should it be the way? It’s really unfair to me, and the children?

                        *****                 *****               *****

I had wrote an email replied to him.

Around 4:30pm, when I was taking my bath, I heard the door locks opened and he came back. I would not have any ideas if he had read that email.

He walked in, put down his bag, then he said he want to have a hair cut, and went out again. He looks tired, as he did not sleep at all last night, I can understand that.

I looked at my watch, 4:45pm. I did ironing for the kids school uniform and few of his pants and shirt.

Sharp 5:30pm, he came back while I had finished my ironing. I am ready to walked out and asked him, whether he would like to fetch Issac together from school?

He just shacked his head, and told me that, he cannot stand it, he felt sleepy. He’ll sleep after his bath.

Before I went out, I told him to sleep in the room instead, because after the children came back, I am afraid will disturb his sleep.

Today the children have the music class. After I fetched Issac, he was so happy when he saw his Daddy is back, he just rushed to the room, kissed and hugged his Dad. I told him that, Daddy is very tired, and unable to accompany him to the music class. Mummy is the one. He nodded his head, took the bath happily and we went out to fetch Annabelle and we went to the Musikgarten class together.

I was so tired. Really tiring…but thank God is that, they enjoyed the music class. Just then, till the parent time, I saw two of them ran towards me, to join them for the class. I saw Issac kept on looking out of the door, it seems like he is waiting for a miracle: his Daddy…

My heart feels so sorrow when I watched his face expressions.

In the car, I cannot helped myself, my tears falling down, and I told the children, Mummy’s eyes very pain.

Issac told Annabelle, “Belle, Daddy is back. You cannot be noisy because Daddy feeling tired ar…” Annabelle just told her brother, “OK, this is make Daddy feels better, right?”

Wordless, I do have a pair of caring kids…my tears can’t stop dropping down.

His daddy was sleeping, when we back. I just asked the children do not disturb their Daddy…

I really hope he can see his children, from my eyes…

A Creation Deer 25 Mar 2012

This is another round of creation by Issac using big block bricks. It is a beautiful deer! I am so proud of him, as such tender young age, he already loves to create something out of scratch!

         

A Moody Monday…

After I sent the kids, I came back home and sat down.

Actual fact, there are so many things I thinking back…

The blue Proton Satria car using my name to get a hire purchase loan, then using by another woman;

All the personal loan using my name too, just because he was unable to get the loan due to his bankruptcy issues, finally he is freed from that, whereby I am still stuck in all the loans applicant and repayment person, he is paying it still;

All these while, I want a better living environment for both kids, he was keeping mentioned that because I am not hygiene enough to take care the house;

All the not coming back because he need to rush the projects things, are all lies, he got another rented apartment with another woman outside, paying her phone bills, paying the rent, the internet, everything and everything, etc.

Just once in a while, buy me a new laptop, a new watch, a new hand phone, a new handbag, a new purse, and I was so excited and happy about it, so appreciate…

And, all these 7 years of marriage, what a hard time he gave me? How he treats another woman? I think I am just a biological mother to his 2 children, for him.

Annabelle is almost 4 1/2 years old now. He is maintaining his relationship with another woman for almost 5 1/2 years. And, according to him, he just settled.

Then, here comes a new one.

Why? Why?

I had been living with a man that I totally do not know at all, am I?

And, where is the man I knew when I was getting marry?

Gosh, what will the children think of their Daddy is a person like that?

Especially Issac, he is very adore his Daddy, and Daddy is a super hero Daddy for him.

I prayed that he will never find this out, because he is such a very sensitive boy and unconfident boy. I have to take more time to shape him out, be a brave and responsible boy.

Last Wednesday until today is the 6th day, I just cannot keep on drowning like that…I will die sooner or later.

I have to think what am I going to do.

Like Lionel said, “Too Yi Peng, these few days I recalled back you are such a great achiever during your schooling time. Please get up. This is your stage! Your ShowTime is NOW!”

THIS IS MY STAGE, I DO NOT ALLOW ANYONE JEOPARDISED MY LIFE STAGE!

AND I AM ON AIR NOW!

Our Playground USJ1 25 Mar 2012

Both of us woke up early in the morning.

He told me he wanted to go to the church St. Ignatius Petaling Jaya around 10:30am. This is the first time he went back after 30 years according to him leaving the Catholic Church.

We had our usual breakfast with the kids at the Factory Food Court nearby our house. During the breakfast, he did not order the food for me, just for the kids.

He just asking something about the buying property can do the withdrawal from the EPF. I did ask him, why is there any interesting property that he looking at? Which area can be invest? He said, it is nothing, just seeing only.

“This thing previously if I bring up to you earlier on, you would never think and consider about it.”

“All these while, you are the kind of person do not want any commitment at all.” He just looked at me and said nothing.

We went to the playground that I went with the children yesterday. Both are so happy. There were no people there as usual, except 2 person. One is walking on the reflexology stone pave, and the other middle aged man is doing the Taichi.

He just walked towards the reflexology stone pave, took off his shoes and walked on it. I am the one who are playing with the kids.

I think Issac knew it, because he kept on asking me to snap photos of him while playing. Annabelle is playing the swings.

After a while, around 9:30am, he told the children went back to the house. Before leaving the playground, Issac was walking towards to the middle aged man, and the middle aged man looked at him and said, “Young boy, you are so lucky and blessed, because your Daddy is bringing you come to the playground.”

At that moment, it is really strikes my heart, thinking: is he listening to whatever that man told our son? I can feel my tears came out from my heart.

We packed a Roti Planta at the mamak stall then we went back home. He took his bath, then went out to Church. Before leaving, I requested a hug from him. he refused to do so…

The children and I just stayed at home playing Lego, then it was around 2:00pm when I wanted to bring them out for the KFC as lunch, the rain started down pour heavily. I just postponed a bit later, then he came back. Never said a word and talked to me, just bring all of us went to KFC.

After the meals, drove us back home. He just packed a few things and go off. Before leaving, he said,” Do you consider whatever I emailed to you?”

“ I just replied to you, didn’t I?”

“So, you just want me to reply to you in the email lah?”

“I do want you to reply me in the email or anything, but I just want to know why now? Earlier on, mentioned that wait for the children to grow up, but suddenly so rush for it?”

He just walked out, when I was asking him where is he going? he said, “Find a comfortable place for me to work lah, I’ll be back when I work till I tired.”

He really do not seeing into my eyes when we are talking. Very annoying looks.

For the first time, I felt so it is an unusual Sunday that normally that we had together with the children. I cried after he went out.

Annabelle and Issac were playing the Lego, they saw it. “Koko, mummy is crying and sad. We do together the high high cake for Mummy,ok? Then, she will feel better.”

She took her just completed Lego and gave it to me, “Mummy, are you feeling better now? ok?” She smiled at me. I looked at Issac, Issac just looked at me with a very quite face…

What a pair of wonderful children I had…